eVeRyThInG I aM

a so-called me (30/1/2012)

2012-01-30T03:14:00.000+08:00

current mood : so-so
listening to : A Thousand Years (Christina Perri)
thinking about : LDV powerpoint. Muahahahaha! (Aaaa! tak siap2 lagi!)

I spent my Chinese New Year holidays in Malacca this time along with my cousins, uncles, aunties and another two brother who happened to share the same parents with me. >_<

Many things got me thinking again. Sometimes, I wished I could find someone to answer this unending questions. Coz the one person who always answered my questions just happened to already transferred to the next 'world'. and I don't know when am I going to meet him again.

though I really wanted to... now.

First time arriving in Malacca, it doesn't feel awkward at all. No feelings surfaced. only the

unending feelings of responsibilities towards this family. Towards his siblings. Towards 'em all.

I couldn't really describe it in words when I heard Mundzir giving some 'tazkirah' after maghrib to

them. That kid has really grow up. and I'm proud of him. I always have...

Sometimes it's really hard being the one who saw it all but not being able to say anything.

I know that feeling. and I know we all felt the same.

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I'm actually kinda busy these days. or rather that it's the me trying to busy myself. I don't want to be alone coz I know I can't be alone.That day, on that very day, will always surface in my memories. Playing like a broken tape.

Though I know that it's hard,but never thought that it'll be this hard...

So even if I want to be alone for awhile, I still want someone to accompany me in silence.
and I kinda know that'll be very hard.
Coz there are only a few of them who can comfort me without saying anything. and none of them is here.

I chose this path. This is my fate. Therefore I believe that I can withstand it all.

Coz I always believe that God won't hurt you.

Even if it's the thing that hurts you the most...

it wasn't really all that

2012-01-09T00:22:00.000+08:00

seems like I haven't visited this blog like...forever?

No wonder jun-chan had been nagging me a lot lately to update this blog. =_=

well, again I should warn you guys that this post is going nowhere and since this is my blog and my post so you can't do much about it...

In other words, just bear with it. or better yet, just leave.

This really reminds me of 'Chained Mistakes'. Being random is the charm of this story. ^^

A lot had been going around lately. Sometimes I really feel the need to yell at everyone.

Yeah, me included. sadly...

I still have a long way to go with my temper.

and no need to mock me. Jun-chan had done that. courtesy of vivian.

really... Did I actually took life for granted?

Don't know. and since sometimes, I kinda hate reality, so let's just put a dot here.

Enough of that part.

Last time, I had a talk with mundzir while making donuts together. yes. together. Since he'd like a smaller and cuter version of donuts so I let him made some for himself.

But the size of the donuts are not the major topic here. We actually talked about each other. and how he said that he really hate girls like me.

and I was like... hehe... hey, no biggie bro. Actually, the feeling is kinda mutual here babe. muahaha!

We talked some more and I told him why I don't think I'm going to get married. It's simply because of the guys like him. lol~

and another thing is... I hate being dominated. I don't like people telling me what to do.

Well, it's okay for me to say this because I'm not being tied down yet. and I don't have that kind of thoughts yet. and most importantly I'm not hopelessly in love now.

<-----Well,,, maybe if I'm like this in the future, I'll take back my words. lol~

In simpler words, I'm afraid of someone like me. lol~ It's really ironic. Haish~ even I myself don't want to find someone like me as a partner. hehe~

I'm really hateful right?

*depressed mode*

But though I'm saying this and whatever you're going to think about me in the future, I still love the people I love.

Yeah. Maybe the things that I said are true.

and maybe sometimes I hate how Mundzir or Dudin act. or even always get pissed off with Kinah and Adek... and Along too. lol~

There were really times when we feel that we couldn't stand each other... but that's just it. It's just a feeling, not the reality. The reality is that we accept each other for what we are. Flaws and all.

so actually, hatred, fear, confusion, anger... it wasn't really all that.

After all, they still love me for who I am.

p/s: even though they were always being scolded for no reason... hehe.

Al'olio

2011-11-25T02:47:00.001+08:00

Hey guys! ^^

It's school holiday and of course it's my holiday too!!! lol~

I've been watching some episodes of the Korean drama 'Pasta' while giggling, blushing, etc well... practically all the stuff that girls did when they watched drama.

It's a cute story I'd say. and for the records, I'm not actually into K-drama. I'm more into Taiwanese drama. No offense but I think Taiwan made a better romance-comedy dramas.
and for the 'comedy' part itself, I think none can beat Japan though. lol~

and truthfully, I don't really understand Malay's comedy. I don't want to name any show/drama/movie but I think some of them are just plain stupid. or maybe is it because I'm just too stupid that I don't get it no matter how many times I watch it?

Hmm... That could be the reason. o.0

Whatever.

Well, generally, I don't really like dramas coz they're just a bunch of actors and actresses acting in front of the camera.
Why'd waste time watching 'em if there are too many dramas going on around me. Geez~

For this one thing, believe me, just look around. You can really buy popcorn and watch the people around you.

One-sided love, love triangle or 4-angle maybe, unrequited love, unconditional, full with condition, heartbreak, tears, anger, smile, joy, laughter... name it. all because of the typical theme; LOVE.

God! They're just too entertaining.and don't forget this one tiny little tidbit. You are also the actor.

or maybe in my case... actress. lol~

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Okay, I'm actually not here to do some critics on dramas. lol~

Today, I'm gonna put up the new recipe that I tried.

Pasta Al'olio. Yeah. It's because I watched 'Pasta' so I thought I'd give it a shot though spaghetti related thingy is not really my cup of tea.
Well, It's still a good practice for my soon-to-be~~-maybe-non-existent-~~green-eyed husband. ^^

Pasta Al'olio is the easiest and the most basic pasta. Someone who can't cook can give this one a try because it's just too easy.

So, here's the ingredients;
1 pound pasta (about 450 grams)
Salt
1/2 cup extra virgin olive oil
4-6 garlic cloves, peeled & chopped
1/2 cup chopped fresh parsley
Freshly ground pepper

Before we get to cooking, I should explain a little bit on the ingredients.

For the pasta used, you can just buy the dry factory-made spaghetti. Other types of pasta is not really suitable for this recipe.
Use Extra Virgin Olive oil. Now, there is many differences between extra virgin olive oil and the normal virgin olive oil. The former is a little bit expensive and I'm lucky that my mom actually used this oil for cooking.^^ The difference is that Extra Virgin is cold pressed (no use of heat or chemicals allowed) and it comes from the first pressing, and has a maximum Oleic Acid (bitterness) content of 1%. Virgin olive oil on the other hand comes from the 2nd or 3rd pressing with a maximum Oleic Acid content of 4%. Anyway, it depends on you though. You can use the Virgin olive oil if you want. I don't bite. ^^
I'm actually spending almost an hour understanding the parsley leaves. Basically in Malay it is called 'Daun sup'. It is different from celery though. So, keep in ur mind that 'Daun sup' and celery is a different thing. Parsley smells and tastes about the same with Malay's 'Daun sup'.

Now, let's get back to the cooking.

First, boil the water to cook the spaghetti. add some salt (about 1tbsp per pound) then add the spaghetti.
Use wooden spoon to bend the spaghetti slowly as it cooks. (Don't break the spaghetti!)
Stir it to prevent sticking.
Cook it for approximately 8-10 minutes but check it frequently until it is well cooked. As soon as the spaghetti cooked, drain it. (Don't OVER cook the spaghetti)
Heat the pan. Fry the garlic and oil over medium heat until the garlic turn pale gold.
Remove the pan from the heat and add 3/4 of the parsley, salt & pepper to taste.
Add in the spaghetti and mix them well. Toss the spaghetti so that it can mix well with the oil.
Make sure it is all coated and serve on plate. Use the remaining parsley to garnish.

*I consider my first attempt as a failure because the oil and the spaghetti were not mixed well causing them to play separately. You can see this when you served the pasta, the oil drained onto the plate causing the spaghetti to be a little bit dry. I figure out that this one is quite tricky. For the spaghetti to mix well with the oil, you need to toss them with constant speed and medium heat.

My second attempt, it turned out quite well. But I still have many things to improve

How is it?

It looks GOOD right? lol~

TRY IT!

~ciao~

Just like him

2011-11-19T02:05:00.001+08:00

It's been quite long huh?

I've been here for so many times before, yet I couldn't move a finger to type even a word.

I just don't feel like writing anything...

Yeah... Many things happened. No joke.

Things that made me laugh. Things that made me cry...

"You're strong..."

I've heard that way too many times. and to be frank, I don't need anyone to tell 'em to my face.

No thanks. I think I'm good...

I guess I don't feel like leaning on anyone right now.

Though I really wanted to...

I can't. I just can't.

I don't want to be strong by one's presence. Just like how I used to be...

It'll only make me more vulnerable. I'll be weak...

I think I can still hold onto this life simply because I believe God won't hurt me.

No, HE won't.

I believe in fate. and that life isn't a b*tch.

Life is a b*tch. I used to see that a lot.

But I came to realize that it's actually not.

Life is never a b*tch. It's us.

Don't blame life when you yourself is the b*tch.

It's as simple as that. yet not many can actually understand it.

Now that I had closed a chapter in my life, I ought to write a new one.

I don't know what will I write for sure.

But I believe everything is fated.

and I will try my hardest just because I don't want to regret anything...

I won't.

Coz now I'll live twice as hard. I'll love twice as much.

So that when I close my eyes. I'll smile.

Just like him...

09092011

2011-09-10T00:07:00.001+08:00

lol~ I should say I feel soooo relaxed today~

No KKP, no lectures, don't have to think bout anything. Nothing! lol~

But, tomorrow I'll go back to my busy life.

with KKP, class' matter, friends and whatnot... x__X

and not to forget the piling up requests from all over the net... Geez~ have mercy on me, please~

Anyway, let's ditch those for awhile...

Today is 0909!!!

God! Can't believe it's already 5 years.

But, first let's wish Nur Wahidah Kamilah a.k.a Wahidah Lee a happy birthday!!!

May you'll always be blessed in ur life. present? lol~ I baked a cake for her.

Other than that, it's 5th anniversary. I think many of you will be like o.O about the anniversary.

Don't freak out, it's just a very special date to a 'chocolate' like me... hehe...

and this time I went to roam in Chocolyn again after it was reopen today. They shut it down for awhile to reconstruct before. and truthfully, though this new layout is a lil bit confusing, but I still like it.

Okay, this one is the view for the member's profile

well, I also went to soriin.com and I was like O.O when I saw the banner.

I like it. lovely and simple.

But I still love chocolyn though~

and guess what, I forgot my weibo password... T___T

so I can just wait for update from here;

Anyway, I also baked a choc cake this time along with marble cake.

But I just took a pic of the choc cake.

It's for adek and of course dedicated to 'Chocolates' all over the world as well...

tempted huh?

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Okay, now let's get back to real world.

I'm way too tired!!! Feel like wanna let go everything...

so, let it go~ don't bother about 'em anymore. They only know how to give you pain sya'ak...

Back to my heartless state???

yes.

Arrggghhh!!!

Damn!

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An epitome of simplicity

2011-08-13T22:41:00.000+08:00

and I called him 'The Black Wing Angel'

out of many, he impressed me.

he's an epitome of simplicity. Truthfully, I never see him as one before simply because appearance-wise, he's not.

and only God know how I feel when it is shown to me. It feels as if someone just slapped me.

Take that b*tch! You're also one of the many who judged him

Well, it kinda hurts when your inner conscious just casually mocks you.

and the black wing angel. I bet he'd laugh if he read this.

*preparing to run to the end of the world*

God! why do I have to befriend ~~this a little bit too annoying jerk~~ ahem... I mean him...

when the day comes

2011-08-08T05:37:00.000+08:00

It's been quite sometimes since the last time I'm here. Somehow I kept thinking of writing something on my blog but ended up Zzzzzzz on my bed~ hihi~

Life's been good. Not really smooth but at least, it can be considered as not bumpy either. Slowly, I'm adapting myself to this 'new' environment where there's no longer Hajar to talk to.

Where there's no longer Shaby-kun and Umi to fool around.

Where there's no longer ctie to lean on when life's getting hard.

Where there's no longer teasing and fooling around with TST 8.

True enough I did said that if I were given chance to go through that one year again, I won't. It hurts way too much for me to bear at the end.

But, I already have gone through it somehow and I already happened to encounter all these people and fell in love with them.

Love made us strong, yet weak at the same time.

I won't deny the fact that maybe, there will be the day, in the future, tears might fall because I missed them way too much.

and when that day comes, I just know that I still love 'em way too much.
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God, I don't mean this entry to be a sad one. lol~

I should change the song now. Funny how much songs affect my feelings at that particular time.

Maybe I should reconsider pop as my favourite instead of ballad, R&B and soul. lol~

One problem though. Not much pop songs are written to depict life. Most pop songs nowadays, should I say dead?

Well, maybe lack of feelings is a much better term.

Enough about songs.

Now what? love? lol~

hey, I got a present for 'deklamasi sajak' last time. Hehe~

and for the 'Kuiz' Kemerdekaan' too~ lol~ I never expect that...

but that's what happen here. Expect the unexpected. That happens to me so many times that now I'm not really surprised anymore.

Instead, I feel grateful to God. coz I had always believe that He'll never even once let go of us.

It's always us who let go. Told ya, human is a cocky prick.

I don't want to think anymore.

I want to sleep~ T___T

and yeah... I kinda know that someway somehow, I am also a cocky prick... lol~\

Just ignore me... ^^

A person we are...

2011-07-28T01:48:00.001+08:00

I really wanted to update this blog these few days back, but I think all the works were draining me out. Though I still have lots to do but I guess I'll just take some time to write something...

despite all the piling works...T__T

This one isn't written due to any particular reason. Just feeling like reflecting on my own mistakes...

When God created us, he never promised us that life is going to be easy but he did promise that He'll always be there...

But, how many of us actually REALLY realize that?

to really realize that Most of us failed to hold on to that...

Why?

Because not much of us had that ability to keep holding on.

To REALLY depend on him. No. We.don't.

Thinking we're better than everyone else

Always the cocky prick we are...

Always being conceited... continue to live in vain.

Judgmental. That's what we are.

That we're better than anyone else.

That the others were just a mere nuisance...

But actually,,, if only... just if only... if only we think a little bit deeper. Just a little bit.

Put ourselves in the person's shoe... Feel his pain... Then, I guaranteed we won't even dare to look into that person's eyes.

If only we think.

So far,,, is it really that tough?

2011-07-17T23:51:00.000+08:00

I'm actually having an inner conflict on what to write for my 'English Studies' essay... Our lecturer asked us to write an essay based on this,

"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"

What would you write? Pretty hard huh?

Honestly, after giving much thought about it, I came to a dead end... I don't know what is actually the so-called 'tough' moments I've ever had.

It'd be an absolute lie if I said I don't have any

But, now, I don't feel like all the 'tough' moments are really tough.

At least,,, I think Li Yin had it harder than me... lol~

True it was tough at that one moment but I'd say, if I didn't undergo through all the 'toughness', would I really be who I am today?

Would I?

I think the best part of it all is that after going through it all, you'd be a better person...

if you really learn...

In Malay, they describe it as "tak mudah melatah"

That's why most of time now, I'd just smile or laugh...

Because when I feel like "this is hard", I always recalled back all those moments when I had to fight with myself, my will, all alone...

Friends? I have them...

But most of the time, I don't want to drag them with me. Coz one of my principles is; "Never drag the people I love to die with me"

Sometimes when I'm having a really hard time, there are times when I stopped and think, then I'd smile and thank HIM for not giving this hardship to the people I love.

Coz it's much painful seeing them in pain rather than experiencing it myself.

Okay, seems like my nagging is slowly getting longer...

I'm soooooo lazy~

T___T

I've lost my mind~

2011-07-14T05:36:00.000+08:00

God! Luckily I'm wearing something decent tonight or else the fire drill would've been a nightmare...-_-"

and yeah... I was awakened by the "kebakaran! kebakaran!" and shouts here and there...

and I just grabbed my jacket and wear it then waited for my roommate before the both of us join the crowd...

I'm really debating whether to grab my notebook or not... thinking whether it's really 'a fire' or just a fire drill coz everything seemed like real...

and yeah, I left it... but not my phone... well, at least if something do happen, I could still make a call and said my last words... lol~
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T__T I still got many works to be finished...

I still haven't finish filling in the 'borang tuntutan'... arrgghh! so much trouble! The thing is even if we don't want to claim anything, we still have to write a letter stating that we don't want to claim anything...

OMG... so much trouble...

so, better claim 'em...

and what's up with the OMG thingy???

lol~

It's our class trademark... the story behind it? ermm... maybe next time... ^^

Arrgghhh! I still got many works to do... ES, LDV, LDS... etc -_-"

Life is not that easy after all...

I think I'm getting lazier each day... way to go Sya'ak Lee...
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Just something random...

I think compared to Ikkun, I'd prefer Anth more... Though Ikkun is more kiyowo2!!! ^^

but since I'm more mesmerized with Anth, so Ikkun could only step back... lol~

I want to go back!!!

since I cannot go back next week... T__T (ayam goreng~ T__T)

but at least next week I'm going to Perlis! hahaha!

Forget to tell you guys, I'm now under 'Lajnah Ekonomi' BADAM which stands for 'Badan Dakwah Dan Moral'. so basically, we're doing all the things we could to find money for BADAM minus robbery of course... ^^
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another random thing...

I don't know how and why but I heard things bout how some of them here couldn't stand the way I talked...

like "I joined the debate tea...bla...bla...bla.." "I was in PUM as a bla...bla..bla.."

and to think that they said they're afraid that I'd become riya' if I kept on saying that... and that I should just keep my mouth shut and stay at a corner...

God! That's soooooo not me. (My father would never approve me doing that)... and I'm not bragging, I'm being thankful of who I was and who I am today...

but again they don't know... They would never know...

of how much I had sacrificed to be who I am today.

of how much I've gone through to be who I am today.

Keep on making excuses...pfftt... riya'???

How much did you learn about this to ever say someone like that?

and don't you think it's you making 'fitnah' instead? ppfftt...

I think I've written it clearly on my fb, for the 'favorite quotation' part, I did wrote this> Back off haters coz I won't give a damn!

and I.meant.it.

At least, if you really want to hate me, do it proudly. Tell it straight to my face. Don't just talk behind me as if I would never know anything.

If you think you cannot compete with someone, don't tell them to keep quiet so that you can shine. You're gonna make a fool out of your own self.

coz I've had it harsher than this.

At least, I never stepped on you guys or anyone else to be who I am today...

If you feel like hating me would make you comfortable, go on... be comfortable...

I don't have any problem with that.

and I'm not angry with you guys either... not even a bit...

coz at least I know, you hate me coz I'm just too good...

and please... just cross that "takut jadi riya'...bla...bla...bla..." and "kami sayang...bla...bla..." thingy...

I can still live without your so-called 'sayang'...

and In fact, I've lived for more than 19 years without it... ^^

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Who's 'you guys' and 'them'???

Let it just be a secret... and no. no one told me who 'they' are...

I found it out myself... and no. I'm not judging 'them'.

I read them... It's a simple thing that everyone could do.

All you need to do is just look around you carefully...

Okay, I still need to finish my works...-_-"

p/s: riya'= http://hikmatun.wordpress.com/2009/10/03/riyak-syirik-yang-terkecil/

Please... at least just learn islam a little bit deeper before you point your fingers...

God, why do I feel like this is just toooo funny???

^^

I refuse to love and be loved...yet

2011-07-13T01:10:00.002+08:00

I know... you guys are going to think like "What's with that title?" or maybe... "OMG! WTH?!!"

Well, I'm now listening to JYJ's fallen leaves... The very first song from JYJ that I'd give 8/10... Though I do know they sang with all their heart (I've no doubt that they're very good) but the melodies and the lyrics couldn't reach my heart... Well, that should be another whole different story...

or should I just continue to give comments about songs?

lol~ Just kidding~

So far, now I think I'm starting to live a very hectic life (on certain days) but still, somehow, though it's not easy, I could still go on, not wanting to lose...

Something I hadn't felt for quite a very long time...

So, what's up with the lonely title? lol~

Actually, I'm just wanna share something here. So that it won't continue bugging my mind...

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There, it started off rather nicely... though many things happened but I'd still consider it as a nice start but the ending... I know there are things that better left untouched...

Ignorance after all is a bliss

Here, I'd say that it didn't start out nicely to begin with... I don't know why... maybe it's because I'm just too good that they're so jealous with me? lol~ Just kidding!

but, how come I didn't feel anything being accused like that?

How come I'm not hurt at all?

How come this is nothing compared to the things I've gone through before?

and again... I kinda know the answer.

because I don't love them yet... and I know why...

It's probably because we've just known each other less than a month...

but, deep in my heart, I know I'm being more cautious this time. I cannot vow to myself to not to love anymore or to despise love coz I know, somehow, one day, that wall will definitely break.

and the most I could do is being more cautious...

So that I won't waste my tears for those who never appreciate my love

Coz love always come with a price tag...

and the price you had to pay sometimes is just too great

way too great...

that you could never afford it.
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Though I kept my head up high all the time... I'm still a girl and that's a fact.

Girls are not like men. Why did they said that girls are fragile?

coz for every girl, every woman, love is their whole life...

what kind of love it is? you judge it yourself...

How about men? Don't they love?

Yes. They do... But for men, love is only a portion, just a part of their life...

Therefore, even if a girl kept her head up high, she's probably even more fragile than the men who never had the gut to look up...

if you betray their love...

Here in IPG...

2011-07-06T17:05:00.002+08:00

I'm missing USIM!!! lol~

Okay, feel honoured Ex-Tamhidians... coz I'm missing you guys sooo much!!!

Especially my ex-housemates, D-3-6 and TST 8 students and also some account students including shaby-kun, shiro...etc2... Ahh!!! There's so much~

huhu

but most of all, I'm missing FSU cafeteria... hak3

Food here far more expensive than in Nilai and there's not much choice either. So, as always,,, biscuits would be the best choice coz actually I'm very particular about the food I ate when I'm far from home...

I hate getting sick when I'm far from home... -_-

and as I said before, I'm not picky when it comes to food but never ask me whether it's delicious or not coz it'd be another looooong story... huhu...

Enough bout that...

Basically I'm happy being here though there are certain things somehow been bugging my mind but basically,,, that's it.

.I.AM.HAPPY.

I think being here had really change me somehow and I think it's gonna give a very huge impact to my life.

Nevertheless, it's a good change. and I liked it.

I'm grateful to HIM for giving this to me.

Sometimes, it even made me think that if I were to die without knowing so much things, it'd be a pity.

I think that's why I'm still breathing today.

and to think that I've given up on life before... -_-"

Sometimes, looking around made me unconsciously smile.

Compared to my friends back in USIM, most of them here are really matured.

Things that I rarely found in my friends back then.

but of course, there're certain things that they're still lacking such as life and experience...

Funny how that one year made so much difference in our way of thinking.

but that isn't how it is actually. Be it 1 year apart or even 10 years apart, if you're reluctant to learn the lessons, it'll be just a waste of time...

and yeah~ it's a pity...

So here, I got more 'adik'... haha!

and one of them even asked my opinion about love. lol~

Though I really want to answer him that "That kind of love is just a waste of time..."

but, I know I can't corrupt their point of view with my radical way of thinking.

lol~

Life here is a lot more easier than USIM, i'd say... Though there's lots of unexpected things but it's more fun that way. Isn't it?

Being a 'cikgu' is not bad at all~

but one more funny thing is there's only 'cikgu' here, therefore if you want a husband who work as a lawyer, or engineer, or scientist or whatever... you can't find them here... lol~

Here, we have class untill 1.15p.m, then finish! There are days that we've to go back on 3.30p.m but I'd say it's much much much better than my schedule in USIM.

and I just have to walk back to my hostel which is not that far. It's just like from FSU to the bus stand in front of FPQS...

lol~

and to think that Appa said it's quite far when he lead me to the hostel, the first day I'm here... -_-"

So, far I also liked the hostel here. It might not be that new. But I like it....

I think it's long enough...

I'll be right here again next time.

Should I write about my hostel or my course here? Hmm~ Tell me your opinion...

Till then~

p/s: Happy 19th birthday to diB. Welcome to the club 19th!!! hahaha!

Sometimes, I wish I'm 18 instead of 19.... T___T

I'm old~

chalgayo nae aegi (Goodbye my aegi)...(^.^) (T_T)

2011-06-20T01:13:00.000+08:00

I'm giving an honor to my aegi by putting her name on the tittle... lol~

Should have written that tittle in Korean but my lappy is broken again. This time it's very serious...

and I don't even know when would Mr. Lappy come back to me. T__T

Who's aegi? lol~

Don't feel like writing about her yet, but I will... soon~

Oh, aegi actually means baby in English...

Wow! Can't believe after all that chaos here and there, finally tomorrow I'll be the official IPGM's student.

Nervous???

I don't feel anything truthfully... Not even excited...

Well, let's just say this time I'm just hoping for a life without fakers and haters...

I bet that hope will never come true... lol~

Actually I haven't finish packing up my things... hehe~ The truth is all the forms was filled in by Along... huhuhu~

Without Mr. Lappy, I spent my times fooling around with my siblings, rocking the house literally... -_-"

Poor them for having to stand my antics these days~~~ ngee~

How many pillows should I bring this time? Hmmm~~~

I haven't even found the shoes to wear tomorrow. Apparently... after looking through all my shoes which actually composed of heels and sandals, none of them (sadly) are close enough to the word 'decent'...

Mom is soooo gonna get mad tomorrow... hehe~

Maybe, I should really drop by the shop tomorrow...

and I haven't put Keroro yet in my bag... Ssshhh~ Don't tell appa or mom...

They don't like me bringing that 'frog' to my hostel... hihihi~

Sssshhhh~ It's our secret, k?

Look, even Yin Yin agree with me... huhuhu~

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I'm soooo gonna miss Ikkun too~ T___T

Ikkun my love...

Now that I'm going, I have to leave him for awhile... It's okay,,, I'll be back on weekend anyway...

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

So basically, I'm back to the path again after straying for over than one year. I never regret those times nor did I despise it... I'm sure, it's all for good...

I'll be back to Nilai again... Not as a student...but as a friend... :-)

Arrrggghhh!!!! I don't wanna leave home yet~

I still want to play~

huhuhu~

It's okay... when holiday comes, I'm gonna drag Am or Addin to accompany me to Negeri Sembilan and Malacca... hihihi~

Just so you know, I'm getting creepier these days than usual~

Okay...

Done fooling around here~~~

See ya!

5/6/2011 - Al-Fatihah....

2011-06-09T01:15:00.003+08:00

Even when I started to type this, my mind is still debating whether to write this or not.

afraid that my tears will still fall the moment I write this...

but I know, memories will fade...

though it's sad, I don't want this memory to fade away... I never want to forget it...

because this will be my last memory with her... the very last one...

Even until now, I couldn't believe that she's already gone.

Gone from this world... Moving on to the next phase...

Somehow, it felt as is she's still there. waiting for us to come back to Malacca.

with that smile on her face.

Semuanya berlalu terlalu pantas untuk aku percaya...

untuk kami semua percaya... untuk dia percaya...

saat kami sampai, suasana suram... terlalu suram. sebetulnya aku langsung tak menangis saat aku menerima berita itu.

Mungkin aku terlalu terkejut.

Aku terbangun dari tidur tepat pukul 12.00 tengah malam bila terdengar suara abah bercakap dengan seseorang ditelefon.

"Kak ngah aku meninggal baru tadi, sesak nafas..."

Mak Ngah dah meninggal?

Mak Ngah dah meninggal?

Mak Ngah dah meninggal?

I don't really have the words to describe my feelings when we arrived.

Aku tak mahu menangis. Mesti kuat. Bila masuk dalam rumah, salam dengan pak andak, mak chik dan orang lain... Perasaan aku dah jadi lain... Sebak...

Masuk lagi kedalam... Kaki aku berat melangkah kedepan... Tahu bahawa aku tak sekuat yang aku sangka...

Akhirnya, ditengah ruang itu, terbaring dia... sayup-sayup suara orang membaca yassin.

Mak menghampiri jenazah dan perlahan kain itu ditarik...

Saat aku melihat wajah itu, aku terus berpaling. Hati aku tak sanggup.

Air mata mengalir laju.

Selepas beberapa ketika, mak menutup kembali kain tu.

Kami semua duduk. Yassin dicapai. Perlahan aku baca satu persatu...

Tapi, aku terus menangis. Saat itu terdengar suara abah membaca yassin. Hati jadi lagi sebak.

Tahu bahawa kakak yang abah sayangi sudah pergi...

Selesai baca yassin, kami semua bergerak kembali kedapur.

Dan bermulalah proses mengemas. Air mata aku dah berhenti. Aku dan anak-anak mak chik kemas bilik arwah untuk dijadikan tempat jenazah dimandikan.

Bila segalanya siap, tiba masa jenazah diangkat untuk dimandikan.

Aku menangis setiap kali aku lihat mundzir dan dudin angkat jenazah...

Perlahan kenangan menyapa kembali.

Dia yang suatu ketika dahulu mengangkat dan memimpin mereka, kini diangkat...

Tubuh yang kaku itu kini diangkat oleh mereka...

Hati aku sangat sebak. Terlalu sebak.

Mak Ngah, mereka dah besar... Tengok, Dudin dah jadi kuat sekarang...

Tapi, kata-kata tu hanya mampu dilafaz dalam hati...

Aku tak masuk saat jenazah dimandikan. Aku tak kuat... Langsung tak kuat.

Diri seakan ditampar saat melihat wajahnya.

Aku mahu menerima takdir ini dengan redha.

Dengan hati terbuka...

Tapi aku tak mampu menahan air mata saat aku melihat wajahnya.

Selepas dimandikan dan dikapan, kami beratur untuk melihat dan mencium arwah buat kali terakhir.

Aku sangat takut aku tak dapat tahan air mata bila melihat arwah.

Tapi aku mampu menahan air mata saat itu. Dahi itu dikucup. sejuk.

Sangat sejuk...

aku tak dapat tahan. terus aku berpaling dan keluar dari orang ramai yang berkumpul sekeliling jenazah.

Aku peluk Kak Adawiyah dan menangis.

Terlalu sedih...

Maaf, tapi aku tak dapat lagi menahan air mata ini...

Selepas tu, aku pergi ke kubur bersama dengan mak...

Akhirnya semua telah selesai...

Akhirnya selepas 5 tahun Pak Ngah pergi, Mak Ngah pergi jua...

Saat tu banyak perkara bermain di fikiran aku...

Perkara yang tak dapat aku luahkan disini...

Mungkin sebab sibuk didapur, perasaan sedih dihati aku berkurang...

Selepas beberapa ketika, aku dapat juga berbual dengan Kak Adawiyah...

Kata akak, sebelum Mak Ngah pergi, dia ada cakap nak datang Terengganu...

Nak tengok anak saudara dia yang sorang ni jadi cikgu...

Hati aku jadi sebak lagi... Tapi aku tak nangis.

Aku tak nak akak nangis lagi...

Kali akhir aku jumpa Mak Ngah, masa kak teh anak mak long bertunang...

Waktu tu aku sangat gembira dapat jumpa dengan semua orang...

Kak Long tak ikut sebab dia balik Terengganu. Jadi aku wakil keluarga kami ke kenduri tu dengan mak chik.

Aku ingat lagi, Mak Ngah ketawa tengok aku makan lauk pedas. Dia kata aku dah tukar jadi orang Negeri Sembilan.

Tak sangka, itulah kali terakhir aku dapat makan dengan Mak Ngah...

Itulah kali terakhir aku ketawa bersama - sama dia...

Kali terakhir aku cium tangan dia...

Waktu didapur, aku dengar abah kata dia buat keputusan yang tepat...

Tahu apa yang dia maksudkan...

Aku tak berani pandang abah sebelum tu...

Aku akan menangis setiap kali aku pandang abah. Sebab aku tahu, abah sangat sedih.

Tadi, abah sendiri kata dia rasa seolah olah mak ngah masih ada... dan sejujurnya... aku pun rasa begitu...

Semua orang masih sedih... dan tika ini pun, aku masih menangis...

Dan saat air mata ini mengalir,

bibir cuba mengukir senyum...

Tahu bahawa diri ini masih merindui dia...

Tahu bahawa diri in terlalu merindui dia...

Tahun ni, aku akan beraya di Melaka lagi...

Hari Raya tahun ni, kami akan sambut dengan abang izwan dan Kak Adawiyah...

Semoga hari mendatang dapat kami semua tempuh dengan sabar...

Al-Fatihah buat arwah Mak Ngah...

Redha adalah menerima sesuatu tanpa sebarang persoalan...

dan semoga semua orang redha menerima takdir ini...

Semoga roh arwah ditempatkan dikalangan orang-orang beriman...

of a birthday and a farewell...

2011-05-20T02:44:00.000+08:00

and just like that, my birthday passed...

Just like any other day, it doesn't really hold a meaning to me, except for the bunch of wishes and everything.

at least, now I don't really sees my birthday as something special anymore.

actually I've been online for these few days but apparently, I'm more into my ffics rather than logging in to FB.

and yeah, I've returned! and I guess I still got that passion as a writer. ^^

Apparently, on my birthday, she posted up this on her weibo -:

TT___TT

that's sure made us really really upset. but truthfully, aside from having a comeback, I am happy that she's living a peaceful and happy life. Sometimes, I do want her to stay like this forever.

but well, life should go on, right?

19th May 2011

is it a wish come true?

Partly I think...

and so,,, I officially bid farewell to all USIM students.

and now, I'm officially, no longer a USIM students.

I think some of you could already see this coming.

I guess I'm right this time... HE do wanna show 'something' to me there.

and that 'something',

it's a secret between me and HIM.

somehow, I'm not really afraid anymore. Coz I know, everything had been written in my fate.

and due to a promise, I'll continue living this life to the fullest.

a promise that I'll never back off and continue to run.

a promise that I'll never surrender to a heartbreak...

Just because of that promise I made years ago...

and by choosing, this, I'm not going on an easy road either. I'd rather choose a bumpy one.

and even if it's not, I'll just make one.

Anyway, I guess that's all from me...

To tst 8,

Don't miss me coz I'm not worth it.

[Review] DGNA/The Boss/Daikoku Danji (First Japanese Album, Love Power)

2011-05-16T04:08:00.005+08:00

Daikoku Danji : First Japanese Album, Love Power

Official Release : 13th April 2011

Reviewed by : aiLee (16th May 2011)

Dae Guk Nam Ah (DGNA) or The Boss is a Korean boy band debuted in 2010. Despite hearing many good comments about this group, surprisingly I never took any interest in them mainly because they’re being compared to TVXQ. I neither have anything against TVXQ nor these boys but to me, having your very own image is very important. Yes, you do have to look up to the sunbaes (seniors) but it is not necessary to be similar to them or else you’re gonna live in their shadows.

Their first song that I really listened to was from this Japanese album (Love Power) entitled “もう最後になると (It Will Be the Last)”. I like the way how the music blended with their voices really well. I guess the thing that attracts me the most was how their voices blended with each other really well. I’m quite satisfied with their live performance considering that they got quite a stable vocal throughout the whole performance proved their ability to be a singer despite their young age.

I won’t compare them with other groups but truthfully, for a newbie, they deserved recognition. The fact that not much idol groups nowadays have the real ability to perform live is what made them differ in my eyes.

In this album, 4 songs are released including an instrumental for Love Power. Love Power, 奪いたい今すぐに (I want to steal you right now), もう最後になると (It Will Be the Last), and まだ見ぬその未来へ (To the Unseen Future) are the songs titles in this album.

Going through one by one starting from “Love Power”, this song is a song about the power of love itself that could make one person change. I find the lyrics quite funny and how it depicted the real situation when someone fell in love. This cheerful song with a very cheerful MV has a different feel from the usual “happy” styles depicted by most idol groups nowadays.

I would say 奪いたい今すぐに or in English I want to steal you right now, is rather a sad song. Usually, lyrics like this made me feel like the song is pathetic but this one brought a different feel I guess. Rather than feeling like the person is pathetic, I feel sympathy towards that person. After all, a one-sided love is the most painful out of all. Isn’t it?

まだ見ぬその未来へ or To the Unseen Future is my favorite one from this album. This song is an inspiring song giving one a feeling of forgetting yesterday and continues to look forward. I think I’ll post up a different post about this song later (if I have enough time).

I think out of 4 songs, 2 of them are rather sad. Anyway, this group’s average age is 19.4. Beginning their career at such a young age, I think with proper promotions and songs, they’ll be able to reach to the top soon and maybe even surpassing TVXQ’s success.

And I think the stylists should give them a different style. Watching Karam feels exactly like watching the young “Kim Jaejoong”. I think it’s mostly due to his hair and the way he sings onstage. It exactly the same. But seeing his face up- close, I think this guy has his own charm.

He's different from Jaejoong though. Looking at his pic here reminds me of Taemin from SHINee. Somehow his face give that vibe.

Together with TVXQ. This one is backstage during TVXQ performance "Keep Your Head Down"

I guess people should really stop comparing them.

To the fans, support them just the way they are and don’t forget to be nice towards other fanclubs too! ^^

What am I doing here?

2011-05-15T05:02:00.036+08:00

Current time : 05:00a.m (+8.00)

Current temperature : Don't know but a lil bit cold >__<

All the things above totally proved that I don't have anything to do... or... is it just me??? Okay,,, the truth is there are looooootsssss of things to be done.

But I guess I've been cursed with the word >>>> L.A.Z.Y

lol~

Not really I guess, coz at least I'm trying hard to keep the kitchen clean. >__<

which apparently requires really LOTS of work... and time.

It seems like regaining back my "Princess"-like position + reigning the dictatorship again here will require lots and lots of time...

Nope. I'm not kidding. The person who live here would know it better.

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It seems like I'm still fond of FO...

This is one of the traits that I got > once I'm grew fond of something, it'll take a very long time to disappear.

is it a good trait? or a bad one?

I guess both... lol~ Why?

coz at least I'm being faithful here... (trying to)

anyway,,, bout FO or Family Outing... Actually during 2008, ever since the first broadcast, I've been keeping myself up-to-date until the last episode of F.O. That time Ramen Soup Subs was the only subbing team that subs the whole episodes.

and now, since I got the full episodes, it's like heaven! :p

I stopped watching FO when season 1 finished coz none of the casts from season one are in the season two.

Season 2 was full of idols = I'm.not.interested.

Did I ever tell you guys that I'm not really into Idol Groups Newbies ever since 2007?
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Oh, seems like I forgot to...

I'm not really into the idol groups that debuted from late 2007 until now. Except for one or two of course. There's always an exception for every rules right?

Well,,, actually if I think about it deeper,,, I'm not really fond of the idol groups in the first place... except for one or two of them... lol~

Zhang Li Yin? pfffttt... She's not considered as an idol. Mind you.

and so, now I'm officially joining weibo though seriously I can't really understand much words in that page...
can only understand simple ones like 男 and 女 and also this >>>> 张力尹...

Weibo is actually the Chinese version of twitter since twitter is not allowed in China just like how Tudou is for Youtube.

Basically, in direct translation, it is a mini blog. and it seems like the Chinese are getting addicted to Weibo... lol~ Just like how we're addicted to Twitter or FB.

and why all of a sudden weibo??? Geez~ of course because of the particular reason above... -_-"

Though seriously,,, I think this one suits me better > Zhang Li Yin : Archive

Aha! Just now, while strolling through my very own collections, I found this.

060909 음악중심 timeless 장리인with시아준수

Imma just translating this for you >>>>> 장리인 = 张力尹

I got this video after going through thousands and thousands of downloading and deleting process until I found this HD version. lol~

Yeah~ basically,,, I kinda know that I am insatiable~ :p

Don't bother me... ~~I'm not even close to being sane~~ >___<

The start of the loooonnnngggg holiday

2011-05-03T14:54:00.001+08:00

Greetings boys and girls!

so what? It's the long holiday again!!! ~~Though I doubt that mine is that long... -_-"~~

I'm still in 'relax mode' so I don't feel like being active on fb... and fanfics, oh, I 've been on hiatus for too long~ TT__TT

I kinda miss writing... and my readers too~ It's actually feels really good to read the comments made by the people who read my stories... *Grin like a pabo*

I've been spending my times watching FO (Family Outing) again and again and again! Funny how it never fail to make me laugh and... hungry. -_-"

aside from that, been strolling on the net to find yin yin pics. ~~am I a stalker??? Creepy~~~

anyway, found her updates on weibo since Chocolyn hasn't been posting any lately...

This one is my fav!!!

Dork~

and this is the newest info bout her album... ~~I'm tired of waiting though. just like that puppy...~~

lol~

and just now I reread all the comments on my Ffic.. ^^ and it does make me feel happy!

that one from my 1st fanfic, Moving On. I've posted it here before...

Next in line is my 2nd Ffic...

This one is written by me out of the blue and it really surprised me to see the number of subscribers is quite a lot.

and this Ffic is a twist from BoF... huhu...

Now I feel really bad being on-hiatus without any notice... :(

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See ya!

You're wrong then...

2011-05-02T02:55:00.000+08:00

If you ever think I'm being the way I am now because I don't want to be fake or I'm just being the way I am,

then, congrats. you're wrong.

I actually choose to act differently in front of different people. in other words, I.am.fake.

~~I proudly present myself the award for the best actress.~~

I don't know if any of you ever realized but I do act differently with my friends too.

Please do remember though, I'm not going to act the way you want me to. Unless you're someone really significant in my life, then if you want me to, I'll change. for the better...

In fact, I'd usually act according to your level.

Not because I think I am a mature adult. But rather because the way we think are different.

If any of you ever think that I considered myself as matured, think again. because again,,, you're wrong.

I do whine. In fact, I whine more than my youngest sister.

because apparently, being matured = no fun

People judge through our actions and when they're not pleased, they'd bash.

I better not care about what people think about me.

Ignorance after all is a bliss.

So, if you think that I don't know that some people don't really like me, again, you're wrong.

because eventually, I know.

~~don't ask me how. People would think that I'm creepy if I told them how.~~

only that I choose to ignore. hurt??? I can only feel it if I allow myself to.

Mess with me or with the people I love and I'll give you hell.

coz I'm not that kind to forgive people.

If you ever think I am a kind girl, you're wrong then.

saya penat dan bosan... dan juga lapar

2011-04-29T10:30:00.000+08:00

Tiba-tiba hari ini tidak terdetik dihati ingin menulis dalam bahasa inggeris. Sebab saya malas... Walaupun,,, sejujurnya.... menulis dalam bahasa melayu lebih memenatkan bagi saya kerana saya sudah kekurangan apa yang disebut dalam bahasa inggeris sebagai 'vocabulary'.

Saya mahu pulang kerana saya sudah bosan berseorangan disini. Nilam court.

Saya penat sebab saya tidur pukul 2.30 pagi semalam. Apa yang saya buat? huhuhu...

Perkara biasa... Tengok video, movie dan sebagainya... paling tak pun, termenung dihadapan komputer...

Sekarang, saya lapar. Walaupun saya pandai masak,,, tapi dekat sini tiada bahan untuk dimasak. Jadi selepas 2 hari berturut - turut memerah idea, membuat suatu keajaiban dengan memasak sesuatu yang sedap dengan menggunakan bahan-bahan yang ada, saya sudah kekeringan idea.

Esok baru abah datang untuk mengeluarkan saya dari sini... T__T

Malam ini,,, berseoranganlah saya dalam rumah itu... Sejujurnya saya tidak takut bersendirian tetapi saya lebih takut kepada memori - memori yang ada didalam rumah itu.

Memori kami semua bergelak ketawa bersama - sama.

Itu lebih menakutkan...

dengan itu saya tujukan lagu ini kepada mereka...

p/s: I'm using 'mereka' here... Feel free to include urself in that 'mereka'... huhu...

Doughnut's Haven (^o^)

2011-04-20T21:03:00.000+08:00

So, for the first time I'm posting up the pics of Doughnuts that I made on 19/04/2011 right after finishing my final paper, Biology II... huhuhu~

Actually it's Hajar and Syafiqah a.k.a Saidatul's birthday (~~which I actually forgot... >__< I'm soo bad~~~)... and since we don't have much money to buy cake,,, so, I can only make doughnuts...

After around 1 hour I managed to make approximately 60 doughnuts... This time, the doughnuts are rather soft compared to the one that I made last Saturday...

and like I said, since we don't have money,,, we made a doughnut cake instead... lol~

Initially, I did these alone,,, until Dibah came and help followed by the others... ~~That's why you can see some disoriented doughnuts~~... lol~

and so,,, that's how I finished my evening making doughnuts... ^^

seeing them eating the food I made, make me feel somewhat happy... hahaha ~~(God! I sound like a mother!)~~

p/s: To those who already tasted my cooking (which includes all TST 8 students and my housemates and some others) please kindly write a testimony ~~so that I can easily get married in the future~~... lol~

~~Though I did already have someone in mind... ^^~~

How about him??? *wiggle eyebrows* ^^

Hahaha! Just kidding! ^^

I see many disappointed faces just now, huh? hahahaha~

Zhang Li Yin and ????

2011-04-17T14:13:00.000+08:00

This is just a random post to decrease my boredom... hahaha....

In the end, this blog becomes the victim due to my so called 'boredom'...

(p/s: I haven't finish reading BIO anyway...x_X)

and so while strolling in my collection of Zhang Li Yin's pics, I found many pics of her with her labelmates (singers from the same company is called labelmates)

Who's the most compatible with her??? huhuhu

Honestly, ~~though I don't really like Junsu, but~~ I'm one of the Timeless shippers. hehehe... but I preferred the archangels more though... *thinking hard*

Let's start with the members from Super Junior shall I? Actually, she's really close to Super Junior and DBSK during her earlier debut years since she debuted with a duet song with Junsu... and as for suju, since there's Hankyung... that should explain isn't it?

For those who doesn't know, Zhang Li Yin is the 2nd chinese scouted by SM ent after Hankyung or Hangeng. Different from other trainees (aside from BoA), she debuted as a solo singer (currently the only Chinese that debuted as a solo in Korea)

In suju, she's close to Hangeng (of course! lol~), Siwon, Zhou Mi and Henry.

Now that Hangeng is no longer in Korea, she's closer to Zhou Mi and Henry... I remember Zhou Mi replying to one of chocolates message asking him to take care of Li Yin... and he replied saying that he will and something bout eating together with her... lol~

Note the white earphone... lol~ that thing always with her

This was at the airport during SMTown concert in L.A

During MKMF in 2006

Though I don't really like HaeYin, but because they got some shippers, I just add a photo of them... hehe

Honestly, I think Suju looks more like an oppa to her than a boyfriend... I know because she's close to Super Junior-M, usually her antis came from the new fans of Super Junior. Those who knew her since her debut in 2006 (i.e : senior cassies and ELFs...lol~) won't hate her since she's the only solo hoobae (junior) to Suju and DBSK at that time.

Next...

of course it'll be DBSK or also known as TVXQ...

Let's meet the archangels first or better known as JaeYin. They got quite a number of shippers (fans) and they have their own fansite.

Next one is YooYin... To me he looked more like a brother just like Yunho (my favourite...^^) and Changmin...

and last from DBSK, of course Junsu... lol~

SuYin or the Timeless couple got quite a huge number of shippers or fans and also their own site. The number of the shippers surpassed any other Zhang Li Yin's pairing...

Enough of the Timeless couple pics...
p/s: I can't reveal more than this... lol~ There's actually 'something' going on between these two or maybe were going on...

Next will be SHINee... They're her hoobae + dongsaeng in SM ent.

Since she's preparing for her comeback in Korea, she's also the one who help in SHINee's album, Lucifer...

She recorded a Chinese duet song (title : Wrongly Given Love) with Jonghyun which was released in her 1st Chinese album (I Will)

The last one,,, will be An Chil Hyun or better known as Kangta... Who is he??? he's an ex-member of H.O.T... A 'super' senior in Korean music industry, SM ent specifically... Their age gap is 10 years... Actually I preferred him more than the others... lol~ >__< (SuYin shippers,,, pls don't kill me...)

That was the pics of her with the male labelmates... lol~ Actually I'd like to post up pics of her with the female labelmates as well, but there's not so many since she rarely encountered The Grace, SNSD and f(x). (she's been promoting in China for the past 3 years since 2008)

I cannot resists the temptation to put this pic of her with.... hehehe... guess it yourself. This pic was the pic before her debut... I love her smile. Happiness is written all over her face...^^

I'll give a hint >>> This guy is not a singer but he sang a duet song with her in her 1st album

~~I don't wish she'd find a singer to be her boyfriend... Hmmm... Just someone rich would do...~~ lol~

Okay,,, my boredom is cured! Hahaha! Thanks to this blog.

If you don't like this post or just think that I'm ridiculous, Please kindly click the 'X' on the top...

Thanks for Everything... =)

2011-04-14T09:36:00.003+08:00

Today, while waiting for Mary (who's still sleeping -_-") to go the campus, I decided to post up something I wrote 2 days ago...

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I have to admit, I am badly affected by this. Maybe because it came when I was really unprepared.

It indeed hurts more when you’re unprepared. That moment you smiled and next, the smile vanished from your face. Not leaving even a single trace.

“Lemparkan dulu mslh tu ke tepi buat masa ni, struggle untuk final dulu nursyakirah.lupakan mereka yg tak menghargai awk,hargai diri awk sendiri, kerana dirimu begitu bermakna.=)”

Sender : mir

+6014517****

Received :20:43:30

12-04-2011

She’s right. I have to appreciate my own self. Ignore them all.

But, somehow, it’s still suffocating remembering all those glances. All those hatred shown through their eyes.

How can I see them? Because I look into people’s eyes with my heart. You may smile, you may lie. But your eyes showed them all. Your emotions, your hatred. Everything. It is shown through the eyes. Though I can’t read it all, but I can read most of them.

I admit, I can’t be alone nowadays. I’m afraid to be alone. Coz it reminds me to all those hatred. To all those fake smiles.

How much does it take for you not to judge me?

How much do you actually know me?

Just how many of my pasts do you know for you to judge me?

My love, my anger, my tears, my broken heart, how much of these that you know for you to judge me?

Ironic isn’t it? I told myself to never cry because of a man.

Yet, I forgot one thing. Just this one thing. I forgot to tell myself to never cry because of friends who forgot to appreciate me.

I’m really unpredictable huh?

Well, this is what happens when I am depressed. The moment I smile and the next I may cry.

I’m thankful to God though.

~~Coz this time, I hadn’t had the thought of making my hand bleed just like the last time or sitting in the dark alone praying for HIM to ‘take’ me back.~~

For I know because HE love me that HE want me to not forgetting HIM.
````````````````````````````````````
and the day after that, I guess HE 'heard' my prayer...

I already decided this time...

Hopefully it's the best choice...

and I know they'll support me no matter what I choose... =)

Ignore...

2011-04-12T13:37:00.000+08:00

because I am frustrated today, I'm posting an entry...

ridiculous isn't it??? Yeah... I know...

Arrggghhh!!!! I came down here with a determined heart to set my future and when I opened that particular website... -_-"

it's not there??? WTH?!!! Arrgghhh!!! Geez~

````````````````````````````````````>>> Random rant...

I used to like Lee Donghae... but that was before he filmed the MV with Zhang Li Yin.

after that MV released, I was like... x__X

Actually, I'm cool about this but not till I saw some of his 'so-called fans' comments>>>

"WTF?!!! THAT SLUT BETTER GET OFF MY DONGHAE OPPA NOW!!!"

I read that comment and many others and that's it!

Lee Donghae, I hate you.

I know it's not fair to hate him for these immature comments.

hate is a harsh word... hmm... let's just say,,, in suju, I don't really favour him...

I favour Hangeng or Siwon more though... Not because of their looks... but because of her...

huhuhuhu... I'm going!
p/s: before someone kill me for posting this 'random rant' hahaha

baru sedar

2011-04-10T23:19:00.002+08:00

credits to Mir for the title... lol~

Finally, that sense knocked back into my head...

lol~ and that silly girl made me smile again today...

I wish my only and beloved Along will do well in her exam!!! :)
p/s: Hopefully my whispers would be brought to you by the wind... Along, saranghae!!! :)))

can't believe it! Now, it's the study week and the final exam is almost here!!!! Arrgghhh!!! I'm feeling pressured now...

huhuhu... really??? Hehehe

Don't know~

Mom called last night saying that she kept thinking of me... TT___TT

I'm missing home~ coz it's the only place that where I can be as strong as I can and show how weak I am... The only place where they'd protect me from the most painful words thrown by others...

These days, I kept thinking and thinking...

Thinking of Along used take care of me when I got that very painful headache.

Thinking of how Mundzir used to take care of me when I cannot walk.
Thinking of how Sakinah always cook for me though she said the opposite.
Thinking of how Dudin used to make me feel protected when we go out together.
Thinking of how Wahidah used to get angry when I asked her to do some work.
Thinking how they used to protest when I gave them the order to do the house chores.

Thinking back,,, my little brothers and lil sisters had already grown...

In the future, will I get the same love they've given to me from others???

I don't think so...

If I were given a chance, whether to go through this one year again or not??? if it's two months ago, I would never hesitate to say YES. but, now, it's a definite NO.

coz the pain I've been through is not worth it. Somehow,,, it's not.

Teacher's right, sometimes, it'll start happily, but the ending is ..........

Let's forget all of these. Let's forget all the pain. Let's smile again.

: )

Life after today

2011-04-04T22:38:00.001+08:00

I started to write this on 6th March 2011... but, my mind got stuck... and tonight,,, I suddenly got ideas to continue this...

I won't call this a story coz it's not really qualified to be one. One-shot or drabble??? hmmm.... I don't know what to call this...

Okay, I'll call this a one-shot then since it is written in 1st person point of view...

So,,, enjoy!

Sorry for if my entries nowadays are a little bit gloomy... I'm having a hard time facing all these heartbreaks...

Maybe I am wrong after all... I thought girls would understand girls more since they're girls, that's why I favour and love girls more than boys,,, but in the end,,, >_< (no comment!)

Maybe it's because I easily love people around me... and due to that, I easily get hurt...

Conclusion : Don't love...

Life after today

It felt just like yesterday we were saying goodbye to each other and smiled as I watched you disappearing from my sight. Your smile, just like any other smile you gave to me. That reassuring kind. The smile that always made me smiles whenever I frown. It can make me laugh even. Somehow, I could still feel your presence beside me. It gave me a calming effect. The kind you’d get when you drink a chrysanthemum tea. Also, the very same kind you’d get when you inhaled the sweet scent of lavender.

Life after today… Can it be any harder?

Remember when I used to frown if you made me wait for a long time? You will try to talk to me even if I ignored you. With the same chuckle and the same laughter that even I myself couldn’t stay mad at you. You’d smile when I laughed feeling relieved as you know that you had already forgiven. I’m asking myself now, can I really smile after today? Can I?

Life after today… Can it be any harder?

This place. Walking here, it feels as if I’m picking up the pieces of memories. Just like puzzle. Matching one by one with the other pieces. In the past and the present, nothing changed. All these memories. They’re still the same. Only that the other owner of this pieces of memories is no longer here. You’re no longer here.

Life after today… Can it really be any harder?

In fact, it wasn’t the first time we separate. Yet I know this will be the last. Your smile, your laugh, your tears, your words, everything about you… I’ll remember it. I will. How can I not? You’re the only one. The only you in this world yet the He love you more. So, in the end, I’ll give in for we all know that we’re His. One day, I will also follow your path.

As for now, I want you to know that I really love you…

Life after today, though it might going to be harder, I’ll be strong… For you…

Monday, April 04, 2011

coz I love you more than anything else...

2011-04-03T23:40:00.000+08:00

There goes a story of a 'prince', who's still angry with his sister...

I'm sorry okay... Don't be angry anymore... I just want u to have a taste of your own poison...

because I love you more than anything else...

and please stop ignoring me...

*********************************************

Sometimes, I do wonder what have I done to deserve you guys that stand behind me...

Thanx Dely....

"Ask us something"

Be a man and face me!

I HATE PEOPLE TALKING BEHIND ME... and ACCUSE ME OVER SOMETHING RIDICULOUS!

For all those 'SORRY',,, I'm really sorry but I.won't.give.a.damn.

I don't demand apology,,, but you work for it...

Let's stay strong

2011-04-02T17:11:00.002+08:00

They say if you live with endless pain, in the end, you won't feel the pain anymore...

but, it's a lie

a pure lie, indeed...

Dandelion... to me, is a symbol of strength

the symbol of unrequited love

the owner of the unbreakable strength

the significant of freedom

yet

it's very fragile

- aiLee-

This time, let's stay strong and ignore all the omnipresent stench...

Now, I'll let it go...

2011-03-28T19:11:00.000+08:00

What hurts the most?

Being hurt by someone you know?

Misunderstood by someone you love?

Though I perfectly know how it hurts, I can't stop myself from letting them become significant in my life...

yet

again, I failed to protect my own feeling

For now... I'll let it go...

I won't say anything anymore...

No need to apologize

coz it's not your fault.

It's never yours.

It's mine.

For loving you guys with all my heart...

2011-03-25T16:58:00.000+08:00

Dorks~

and sooo~
Zzzzzzzzzzzzz.....

Before I let it go, I demand all of you to retreat

2011-03-24T14:05:00.001+08:00

Feeling tired again and again...

Thinking back, I don't even know how did I get myself into dis mess. Stupid, isn't it???

But, somehow,,, I know one day, in the future, I'll suddenly woke up in the middle of the night thinking about all of these... thinking about the past... of how it used to be... and suddenly smile...

If I don't say it, it feels as if it won't end... It feels as if it'll forever be like this...

But we all know,,, there's no forever... Forever had never even exist in the first place...

The smile

The laughter

The happiness

The satisfaction

The pain

The hidden tears

The damn painful words

If only they knew how painful it is...

Life is like a huge stage; whether you're willing or not, at some point you will have to go onstage with powder and makeup on.

Only, the roles we play are different.

but somehow,,, the powder and the make-up made me feel damn tired.

I'm tired being a clown...

If I were given a chance to let it go, will I let this go?

Maybe yes. Maybe no.

It's all a maybe...
for this is the only thing that tied all of us

and yet it also attached me to them...

Perhaps time is keeping all the answers hidden.

Perhaps...

Angels without wings or Devils with halo???

2011-03-21T01:28:00.000+08:00

I'm actually somewhat feel like laughing when putting the title for this post... I feel like writing something today and while strolling through the pictures,,, I found these precious pics...

and so,,, finally, after Mir, NaD and DiB posted the n3 about us on their blogs,,, the next,,, should be me ryte??? huhuhu

Let's start with NaD first. Full name; Nadia Syazwani Iskandar. Nadia Syazwani is her name and Iskandar is her father's. A best friend of mine for almost 7 years already... huhuhu... Starting from Form 1 beside the lake at SHAMS. hahaha.

She got this 'I don't care' personality and appeared to be ~~very~~ arrogant. hahaha... but, she's actually rather nice when you got to know her. ~~She's from Siam or in standard language, Thailand~~... hak3 (Opppsss...shhh!!! I'm not supposed to reveal dis. Hahaha!)

She likes to eat. and... hurm... what else??? and always got this dream to travel to an island together with us. In the future... lol~

She's the kind that rarely says anything when I do something. Always quietly supporting me though I know sometimes she hates me neglecting my studies because of other things...huhuhu
Actually,,, it's not sometimes, always is a correct term... hahaha

She's the one that taught me how to use Friendster and forums on the internet back then...and also my add math teacher!

I remembered once, during a trip, her lips were swollen due to the air-conditioner. hahaha

Now, she's in UTP doing engineering... (I think so...)

Though I said she looked arrogant, but her heart is quite soft... only for certain things and certain people. Her frowns when she didn't like how something goes,,, strongly attached to my memories. Indeed, she's one of the truest out of the truest friends.

Next, Nur Adibah Yusra Md. Noh. Nur Adibah Yusra is her name and Md. Noh is her father's. A neighbour of mine for more than 15 years and a best friend of mine for almost 7 years. We're from the same primary school and from the same class. But, we're not really close back then. When we went to SHAMS, since it's only the two of us, we got closer. Hahaha. With her, I use 'Saya' instead of 'Aku'. Funny right?

Our family are very close. and she's one of my trusted companions. Instead of a friend, I'd call her a companion since she's always with me every day and sometimes till night. hahaha.

A very picky eater. When we had to live in hostel for 2 days and 1 night, she didn't eat anything except for bread and biscuits. -_-"

She's someone that would show her emotions through actions. But only with the people she's close to. And since she's close to us, she showed a lot of emotions. Lol~

She loves Soya very very very much... and chocolate cake. She's half chinese since her mother is a chinese. We live and die together. Literally... hahaha... Outing together, went to school together, went home together, went to tuition together.... and everything. Since our fathers are close to each other. That should explain ryte? huhuhu...

she's also the one that taught me add math. Since I'm very very very bad in Add Math.

Like to play with babies. and... urmm... what else??? Ah! she's now in UiTM, doing accounting, fast track.
huhuhu...

Looking forward to meet her this upcoming semester holiday... hihihi

Siti Aminah Ibrahim or ctie, she's now in USIM, doing Medic while I'm doing Science... huhuhu

she's a strong girl with a very fragile heart. Very supportive and she's the one who replaced me as the TGC's financial manager when I was on my so-called 1 month 'holiday' in 2008... huhuhu

Now, since we're here in USIM, she'll be the person who frowned when I didn't eat or forgot to eat. hahaha

Compared to Nad and DiB, ctie is more matured in certain things. Only that sometimes, she's bound to get confused with her own mind.

Hmmm..... what else??? MIC president??? Hahaha

Aha! She's the ex-president of taekwando club. I preferred her teaching me math more compared to Nad... hahaha

We knew each other for almost 7 years and I think it's during form 3 that we started to get close to each other. Since we're kinda awkward to each other during form 1 and 2. hahaha.

Sometimes, I felt somehow guilty for not being able to always be with her whenever she's sad. But,,, I believe, she's a strong girl. Therefore, though it hurts, I believe she can overcome it.

Amirah Nabila Azhari... She's very charismatic and I admire her personality. But,,, just like a normal teenager, she get confused with her own feelings easily.

A great friend and a great sister.

She always asked me for a solution to her confused mind,,, but compared to the others, she just had to listen to the same things over and over again. -_-"
So,,, in the end, I am tired telling her what to do...

Compared to ctie, Nad and Dib, Amirah Nabila Azhari came quite late into my life. So, we're initially the F4, then added with her it's F5... huhuhu

She's my partner during TGC era... A very hardworking girl and a strong girl. The most understanding one. hahaha. Since we got the most similar personalities and interests. She's also interested in psychology... huhuhu

Anyway, Mirah,,, I don't have much to write bout you... coz my mind is blank now... ------

^^

and so,,, that's about 5 of my angels without wings... They're all strong but with different personalities and weaknesses. Like I said, we're imperfect alone but together,,, we're perfect!

hihihi...

I'm tired of typing all these... -_-"

Anyway, sometimes I do ask my own self, what have I done to be loved by all these people. I am contented having them in my life and that also of course includes all the people around me. Coz they're the people that I love and love me.

and the fact that they love me made me feel complete...

~~which is the reason why I'm not really thinking about finding a soulmate~~... hahaha... just not yet... maybe another 10 years... hahaha

Okay...

soo,,, are they the angels without wings or the devils with halo??? hahaha

Debate pics...

2011-03-10T08:12:00.000+08:00

Finally, I got myself some times to write something bout debate... (I have a quiz at 9.30a.m dis freaking morning!!!)

We lose.
Lol~ at first, we managed to win over FSU B and I felt so happy at that time. Then, it's only us, KKNC team that managed to go to semi final. It's kinda sad.

But, due to that motion, we lose...

~~WTH!~~ I don't even know who's ana rafali. and I. don't. give. a. d*mn as to who she is.

whatever~

Okay, let's not waste the 'precious' time, shall we?

anyway, it's kinda funny how us, tamhidians get along very very very well with FSU teams.

Let's start with the coaches first... lol~ "University Debaters"


Afifi with Farah's camera... (very focus~)


Dely???

In the motion room...

FSU teams... Team A + B

Us!!! Tamhidians!!! PT. A + PT.B + KKNC

and again... let's pose!

Lol~ KKNC (no gossips please~)

another one... (To be fair to fifi...hahaha)

PT.A (Fatinah, Afiq, Alia and Kim)

PT. B (Farah, Syida, Nasri and Farah K.)

P.O.I please... huhuhu

Dely presenting his speech... fuh!

Pls give way, the whip speaker is here~

Listening to the adjues...

FSU team in motion room...


and now, he's the prime minister... hahaha

What's this?!!! Okay, this is the team for arabic debate... (caya r Ama!!!)

It's this

2011-03-03T02:57:00.001+08:00

I don't know what title should I write this time... Hmm... Currently listening to 8eight's 'Without a Heart'... This song~ I can't remember why, but it feels so damn hurt listening to this song...

I did say once, I stored all my feelings in songs...

Tonight, I accidentally fell asleep after maghrib, and as a result,,, I didn't go to the training... T__T

Sorry guys... *buat muka comel*

I miss writing so much... T__T

I think my fellow readers are ~~anxiously~~ waiting for my next updates...

3 stories in line... How can I actually cope with that???Geez~ definitely not with the NC cup + quizzes now... -_-"

1.D.B.Z.J.Generation
2.H.T.L.I.Y
3.L.I.A.A

hahaha... For privacy purpose, I'll just put the abb for the titles... huhuhu

and... actually,,, ~~I almost missed an important date~~... 28/2 is 尹尹 bb's birthday... huhuhu... Luckily, I managed to join the party at Twitter and Chocolyn before that day end...
and also there's lots of updates from Weibo + new pics released by Eithtoo... <3 <3 <3
Definitely will join the 'Spring Birthday Package' project... ^^

Enough for that... lol~

I figured out many things today... and indeed one of them is about someone who is currently undergoes the same damn things I experienced in the past...

~~Wait. Why did this song played at this very same time?~~ (Reset by Suju)

I won't comment much on this but I'll just write a little bit, how I actually felt that time...

I don't really remember, but the feeling of emptiness with nothing to hold on... It hurts... It feels as if you're already dead when you're obviously still breathing.

You laugh, but then you'll feel nothing.
You cry, then, that's it.

I did wrote something like a poem. Now, I'd like to declare, it's not a poem, it's actually what I felt...
http://syaaklee.blogspot.com/2009/06/lost-in-space.html

It feels as if you're struggling to come out from a very dark place, but something held you back... Engulfed by the darkness. You'll eventually feel very tired trying to run away...

okay, for now, I can only write this much...*privacy purpose* lol~
I'm not secretive bout my past, but if you want to know this further, you can ask me directly... I just don't feel comfortable writing it.

Actually, I'll give you a very simple solution, ~~out of all complex solutions that I have~~ -_-"... If you want to actually 'come out' from 'that place'...
You can actually find this simple solution in every Surah in the Quran...

One of it is from the verse 30:11 Surah Ar-Rum

اللَّهُ يَبْدَأُ الْخَلْقَ ثُمَّ يُعِيدُهُ ثُمَّ إِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ
"Allah menciptakan (manusia) dari permulaan, kemudian mengembalikan (menghidupkan)nya kembali; kemudian kepada-Nya-lah kamu dikembalikan"

What I want to highlight here is ثُمَّ إِلَيْهِ تُرْجَعُونَ

One day, we'll definitely go back to Him... All those feelings,,, it's actually still there, but you failed to feel them coz ur mind is too cloudy to figure out all those things...

Like I said earlier, find your way back to Him...

Of all the people you loved and the people who loved you, one day they'll leave... but He'll never leave... It's actually you who chose to leave, to forget Him...

Find ur way back...

Love You, Sorry...

2011-02-27T02:08:00.000+08:00

Hey guys...
lol~ I'm so tired because of the debate today... but,,, we managed to win all the first 3 rounds... and I'm actually quite nervous for tomorrow~

~~~~~ I'm sooo afraid~

Okay, cut that crap. Anyway,,, I'm going to do my best along with my team mates Dely and Afifi and also Sarah... Let's fight together!!!! GO KKNC!!!!

Actually tonight I'm just feeling like writing something so I choose a title 'Love You, Sorry'...

Enjoy!
*********************************

Love You, Sorry...

If someone were to ask me why am I here? I would simply answer I don’t know and that’s what I do now. Hands reaching the paperwork on the other side of the table I stopped for a moment as my eyes caught a glimpse of a very familiar book. It’s been a long time. I know that.

I stared at the book for a moment before reaching it, completely forgetting about the paperwork earlier. I can’t really tell how I feel but I know my heart is somehow aching as I flipped through the black diary.

20^th January 2009

Looking into his eyes, my heart seemed to stop beating. The world seemed to stop moving as I could only see him, only him. There’s no other. What is the definition for this unexplainable feeling? How would I know? I had lived all my life loving only one person who just couldn’t love me back. It’s hurting me but all I know I just can’t forget about him though I tried. It’s hard. Loving someone who couldn’t love you back, is just hard…

23^rd January 2009

It’s that feeling again. GET. OUT. OF. MY. LIFE.

5^th March 2009

Denial? No. definitely not.

I stopped flipping the pages. Short but every single word have its own meaning and only I, know the meaning behind them. Perhaps it's because that I am the one who cause the owner of this diary to write every single words inside this black diary.

The image of her still strongly glued inside my mind. I can't really tell why. Perhaps, it's due to this feeling. or perhaps, it's because I haven't forgiven myself.

Perhaps...

All that I know is that only now I know how does it feels to be left. How does it feels to be wronged by the people around you...

But, it's already too late. Too late...

Perhaps, all that I can say now is forgive me.

Love you, sorry.

*********************************

It's very short... lol~ Actually the former title for this story is 'Look only at me' or in Korean 'Na man bara bwa'

and it's not actually a story... us writers call this as 'drabble'...

P/S: You know what, when I write the last word, 'drabble', my mind was like somehow suddenly give a P.O.I, "Can you define what is drabble." Lol~ So much for being a debater... Geez~

*P.O.I > Point Of Information (Some of us make it as a joke by saying that it is the Point Of Interruption... lol~)

P.O.I means 'Izin Laluan' in malay....

Till then,

<3 <3 <3

Just sooo random~

2011-02-19T23:07:00.000+08:00

I'm practicing for the debate tonight.... and so,,, while waiting for them to finish, I went to Umi's group discussion on the other side of the cafe...

and so,,, we take ~~some~~ pics... me, umi and shaby-kun... lol~

Especially for ctie! Happy Birthday

2011-02-18T23:15:00.000+08:00

Huhuhu~

I know I post up this quite late, but forgive me... :)))

internet is sooo slow nowadays~

lol~

Ctie already seen this but I'm dedicating this to my friends and those who I appreciate the most...

I already translated the song this time... keke~

It's very hard~

Anyway, enjoy!

Song : Happy Together by Super Junior

Dedicated to ctie!!!

Diri ini tersangat letih

2011-02-15T00:07:00.000+08:00

Akhirnya tergerak jua hati untuk menaip entri dalam bahasa melayu... Entahla... Mungkin rasa tensyen yang sedang mengusai diri.

Tensyen menghadapi sakit di kepala dan di kaki

Tensyen menghadapi dunia yang entah apa2

Tensyen menghadapi penerimaan orang

Tensyen menerima tohmahan yang dilempar dari belakang oleh mereka - mereka itu tapi enggan untuk berdepan dengan diri ini

Kata si dia suatu ketika dahulu kepada aku, 'Baliklah kamu kepada Allah, Tuhan yang mencipta kamu'

Lantaran itu, diri ini tiba-tiba masih mampu tersenyum kerana 'setitis derita melanda, segunung kurnia-Nya'

Siapa diri ini? biarlah Dia yang menentukan segalanya kerana apa yang tersembunyi dihati tidak pernah mungkin mampu diselam oleh seorang manusia pun.

Manusia hanya tahu menghukum tidak pernah mahu memahami.

Mahu difahami tetapi gagal untuk memahami.

Apa guna baik dimata orang jika dimata Dia tidak?

Adakah sesiapa yang sudi menjawab persoalan-persoalan ini?

Apa guna hidup mengharap pada pandangan manusia sedang langsung membelakangi Yang Maha Esa?

Apa guna mengharap dihormati sedang diri tidak pernah belajar untuk menghormati?

Diri ini sangat letih cuba memahami...

Terlalu letih...

Sehingga hati kini menjadi beku.

Diri ini terlalu merindui mereka...

12:05 a.m, Selasa, 14/02/2011

bla... bla... bla...

2011-02-09T07:25:00.000+08:00

Just one short entry before going to campus...

so bla... bla... bla...

I'm so sleepy... not enough sleep~ Only 2 hours...

I need to finish the script for english drama ASAP!

so... what else? Critical thinking!

Brilliant!

lol~

so, let's post up some pics shall I?hahaha

During Arabic presentation

Eating!

Lol~ Mary~

In Tutorial class


Amalina and Ida

and finally, here's another one...

Borhan! hak3

so... I'm going!

Bye!!!

Ignore this (Ridiculous!) X___X

2011-02-05T19:03:00.000+08:00

I'm going to use this little time to post one last entry before going back to USIM... ok,,, Nilam to be specific...

Time do passes by quickly... T___T

It'll be another 3 months before I'm coming back again... huhuhuhuhu...hu...huk..huk...huk

lol~

Currently listening to 'How Can I' by TVXQ (HoMin) but not gonna write any review bout this song... just not yet...

It's cold in Terengganu this one week. Why did I say that? Because in Nilai, I wear a 0.5 inch-thick comforter as my lovely blanket but here, it's 1 inch-thick toto as a blanket and I just put the speed 1 for the fan in my room... Okay,,, I know I'm not normal...

I'm too sensitive to temperature... *sigh*
(That's why I don't think I'm going to visit any country with temperature less than 16 degree Celcius... Brrrrr~ It makes me freezing already...)

so,,, going back meaning
1. More work
2. More headache
3. More sigh
4. More craziness
5. Less internet...

-_-"... Okay,,, I know I'm being ridiculous...

Arrrggghhh! ~~Someone just please marry me already!~~

I'm dead~

x___X

1...2...3...Smile!

2011-02-03T23:48:00.003+08:00

feel like updating now...
and 1...2...3 and smile! What's that?

It's actually a title of a malay novel (1...2...3...Senyum!) that I tried to make, once... but now,,,, -__-" I guess the passion doesn't last long huh?

Today I went to a DATE... and it was very very very fun! (minus the nagging that I got from Along) lol~ but, I think I'm gonna write bout that later after Mir uploaded that pic...

Currently listening to a song... Me & song...(it's common right?)
hahaha

No mood to make cover songs... the last one I did with shaby-kun and umi which by the way, is not complete yet... Just so you know, I.am.lazy.

so,,, 1...2...3...smile!
what's that???

Sya'ak : don't know *shrugged off*

so, let's ditch the title and nag for awhile, shall we?

Being wronged, being judged by people made me damn depressed... not always... just sometimes.
tsk...tsk...tsk...
No matter how much I tell myself that you Sya'ak, should never depend on others! should never care bout how they look at you!
It'll make you weak...
It'll make you cry...
and most importantly,,, it'll make you lose the faith...

Once, I told a friend... don't expect people to be on your side all the times. coz they're just human being.
one day, they'll leave you...
No matter how much you love them... One day, they'll left.
Instead, be strong and always believe that you have Allah...
be on bright days or stormy days...
but,,, how many of us actually do that???

Ahem,,, I guess, some will misunderstand my words if I don't do further explanation...
It doesn't mean that you don't have to find friends... friends are necessary...
they're important in one's life...
It's just that,,, never expect them to always be on your side... even your families...

I think there are some words I always tell people around me, especially to those who I treasure the most...
"If one day, you finally found your future, your life, something that you value, or maybe just something better than being with me... Just leave me, I won't mind, I won't stop you, just don't expect me to walk along with you once you've chosen... One thing though, you must remember, when you don't have anyone to turn to, just look back and you'll find me..."

I'm not kidding, I did told them... maybe some... not all...
It's just that I usually use Malay... (Don't expect me to always use english...lol~ my tongue need a little break~)

What I want to imply in my nagging today is just,,, never expect for sympathy nor empathy...
It's pathetic...
Being sad is okay, telling others is okay, but don't expect for sympathy... Expect that from Allah!

I know some people around me like this...
and I don't give a damn!
coz you don't even try to face the life, yet wanting me to be with you...

Apparently, I.won't.do.that.

When you try to face it strongly yet you failed, I'll give my hand and pull you up again...

and once I give my hand I would never back off and leave you...

I'll make sure, in the end,

It'll be you who'll left...

so,,, 1...2...3...Let's smile!

p/s : This post is dedicated to all my friends and specially written for someone... one word for that someone, let's stop living this life pathetically and open your eyes...

I Will

2011-01-31T04:38:00.003+08:00

I just suddenly thought of updating today... yeah...

No idea for the drama script T___T

How can I finish it??? lalala~

Anyway, let's talk bout other things then. Actually,,, nothing much... hehe *sheepish grin*

Okay2... I wanna share with you guys another one of my fav song,,,
(though I know NaDWaN might not prefer this song...huhu)

It's a korean song called 'I Will'... Just 1 week I sang this everyday, and this song already stuck in their minds... *evil laugh*

I like this song for its strong and stable notes. and as always, this song is a sad ballad... TT___TT

and this song is my ringtone...(which is why all my roommates got this song stuck in their head... hak3)

but,,, once, a friend of mine said she heard this song being used as a ringtone by her housemate not long ago. and it made me curious like hell...

Who is she? coz this song was released in 2008 and it is not even being promoted in Korea back then. unless,,, if she used the S.E.S's version. But not many knew about S.E.S's existence and most importantly, not much people know that Zhang Li Yin is or should I say,,, (was???) a k-pop singer. Maybe, she just found that this song is good and listen to it...

k,,, enough with that ???? marks in my head...

so, I put this download link for you guys since it's quite hard to find korean version on youtube... hahaha

>>>> Jang Ri In - i will [Korean].mp3

No need to watch the full video,,, just please skip to 4:10... (I really really agreed with the host!!!) hahaha

as for the lyrics,,, well after going through much trouble, so, here it is...

I Will
(korean) -In case any of you can read korean- hihihi
오늘 하루도 몇시간 남지 않았죠
난 그대 생각으로 온 하룰 써버렸죠
나의 바램은 이루지 못한 꿈처럼
새벽을 그리다가 지쳐 잠이들겠죠
난 정말 궁금햇어요
하루에도 몇번씩 내가 보고싶어하는 맘을 알고있나요
그대안에서 나는 숨을쉴수조차 없어요
당신의 넓은 가슴안에 잠든 꿈이 깰까봐
작은소리로 말할꺼예요
그대 사.랑.해
Baby you will last forever my love

키작은 연필로 가득히 써내려갔죠
모자라는 마음들이 채워질수 있도록
그래요 하지만 그게 잘 안되나봐요
아직 나의 사랑도 키가 작은건가요
온종일 기다렸어요 혹시라도 한번쯤
잘못누른 번호만이라도 걸려와주길
그대안에서 나는 숨을쉴수조차 없어요
당신의 넓은 가슴안에 잠든 꿈이 깰까봐
작은소리로 말할꺼에요
그대 사.랑.해
Baby you will last forever

만약에 그대가 내곁에 없다면
나는 울다 지쳐 쓰러지고 말겠죠
그대가 준 사랑이 내겐 얼마나 소중한지
이젠 알것같아요 영원하게 할께요
그대안에서 나는 숨을쉴수조차 없어요
당신의 넓은 가슴안에 잠든 꿈이 깰까봐
작은소리로 말할꺼예요
그대 사.랑.해
Baby you will last forever
My Love

(Romanized)
Onul harudo myotshigan namji anajyo
Nangude sengakuro onharul soboryojyo
Naye baremun iruji mothan kumchorom
Sebyokul kuridaga jijyojamidulkejyo
Nan chongmal kumkumesoyo
Haruedo myotbonshik
Nega bogoshipo hanun mamul algo itnayo

Gude aneso nanun sumul shwilsujocha opsoyo
Dangshine nolbun gasumane chamdun kumikilkabwa
Jalgun soriro marhal koyeyo gudel saranghe
Baby you will last forever, my love

Kijakun yonpilo gadukhi soneryogajyo
Mojaranun maumduri jewojilsu itdorok
Kureyo hajiman kugejal andwenabwayo
Ajik naye sarangdo kiga jakun gongayo
Onjongil kidaryosoyo hokshirado hanbonjum
Jalmonurun bonhomanirado koryowajugil

Gude aneso nanun sumul shwilsujocha opsoyo
Dangshine nolbun gasumane chamdun kumikilkabwa
Jalgun soriro marhal koyeyo gudel saranghe
Baby you will last forever, my love

Manyage gudega negyote opdamyon
Nanun ulda jichyo surojigo malgechyo
Gudegajun sarangi nege olmana sojunghanji
Ijen algotgatayo yongwon hage halkeyo

Gude aneso nanun sumul shwilsujocha opsoyo
Dangshine nolbun gasumane chamdun kumikilkabwa
Jalgun soriro marhal koyeyo gudel saranghe
Baby you will last forever, my love

(Translation)
Even today, there isn't much hours left,
I spent this whole day with just thoughts of you,
My wishes are like those dreams which will never be accomplished,
While waiting for the dawn, I'll probably fall asleep,
I was really curious, do you know how much I miss you everyday?

I can't even breathe while I am in you,
With the thought of my dreams in your chest being waken, (?)
With a small voice, I'm going to tell you,
I love you,
Baby you will last forever, my love

With a short pencil, I filled a page,
Hoping that it would fill my empty heart,
Yes, however, it doesn't seem to work,
Does that mean, that my love is also short?
I waited all day, just in case for you to call the wrong number

I can't even breathe while I am in you,
With the thought of my dreams in your chest being waken, (?)
With a small voice, I'm going to tell you,
I love you,
Baby you will last forever

If you aren't by my side,
I'll probably fall with the exhaustion of crying,
How special the love you have given me is,
Now, I think I know, I'll make it last forever

I can't even breathe while I am in you,
With the thought of my dreams in your chest being waken, (?)
With a small voice, I'm going to tell you,
I love you,
Baby you will last forever, my love

-Actually I already memorized all the meaning as well as the lyrics,,, that's why I often listen to Korean or Chinese song. It's just because I know the meaning behind them...

I am indeed very choosy when it comes to songs. can't blame me though~ *pout*
I'm a writer afterall,,, how do you expect me to write when you can't grab the emotions of life...

end of that *fullstop*

Enjoy ur day!

lol~

just soooo random!

What makes a human?

2011-01-24T16:12:00.000+08:00

I told a friend once, to be a human you should never hide when something goes wrong... Face everything straight away and never afraid making mistakes... never be afraid to say your opinion. There's no right or wrong in opinion, only the evidences that made the difference.

but suddenly today, I realized... that they're still far away from that....

way too far...

am I being too harsh? or is it them that still couldn't understand the reality?

That the world today is far more harsh than that...

Am I wrong? Trying to teach them the way it is?

Or should I just let them? and watch from far away?

and smile when they experienced the pain?

No, I could never do that.

What's wrong? I don't even give a damn if they hate me.

but today, I felt something pricked my heart.

Tell me... How are you going to face the future if you're going to be like this?

19 years living in this world and you still couldn't figure out this heartless world.

and yet grumbling when I'm being firm...

whatever...

Living this life is tiring~

BBQ KTS 3

2011-01-22T16:47:00.001+08:00

lol... after wandering around facebook, I found pics taken when we had our first BBQ last Thursday which happened to be Thaipusam day...
That day started at 7.45 a.m when Nadiani came and wake me up (which I strongly refused to)... hehe... then she said, "Sya'ak, dah pukul 9..." and with that, I instantly got up and dressed within 5 minutes and the next 3 minutes, we're already down waiting for Mariah, and at approximately 9a.m, we're on the way to Nilai 3... to buy 7 err... no... 8 chickens (since I'm also cooking for my housemates)
so, 9 a.m, I started to clean the chickens and prepare to cook...
so and so... we started with soup and then with the chicken rice... At first, it's just me and Nadiani... then, I called Mariah to help... lol... and so, the three of us 'live and die' together... literally...hahaha

5p.m, we started barbecuing, starting with the sausages... and started to serve all the chicken rice...
Teacher Bio, Madam Shams and Teacher Math, Miss Faeza also joined us.
We also had ice -cream... haha

Afifi and Borhan

Waiting for the chicken

KTS 3 Group 8


KTS 3 Group 7

so, that's all... huhuhu....
I hope that we'll all do well in mid-sem this 27 and 28 January 2011...

My RoOmMates ^^

2011-01-06T22:21:00.002+08:00

I realized I never write about my roommates inside this blog... lol...

Ned, you'll have to bear with this coz you don't have any... hehe :p

I have 3 roommates because the room occupied by us now is the master bedroom. It's not that large though... Imagine, 4 person, 2 lockers, 1 table, 2 double-decker bed.... Nevertheless, we are happy... Hahaha!

I'll introduce Hajar (the one with black tudung) first then since her pic is on top... She's from Pahang, a second daughter just like me. We got the most common interests and she, though I don't wanna write it here (since she might continue to brag bout this) okay2, fine,,, she's quite kind... A nice girl indeed but she's a little bit manly in her actions but definitely not her feelings... Hak3

The 2nd one would be umi ( the one at the back with glasses)... Actually the chubbier one is Ctie's roommates named Shabirah. But I called her Shaby-kun... lol... Okay, back to umi, she's also the second daughter but the only difference is she doesn't have any other siblings aside from her older brother. She's from Klang, Selangor.

Hajar, Umi and Shaby-kun are the accounting students which is the reason why many accounting students know me... lol

The last one would be Nadiani, a cute girl indeed... Hahahaha... she's in the same course with me, Science and Technology... We live and die together... hak3... Well, not really. We're in the same lecture group but in different tutorial group since she's in group 7 and I'm in the group 8...

She's a Kelantanese... This pic was taken when we're waiting for the bus together. Hahaha...

Okay, so... what else? Anything else?? Hmmm...

I think that's all for this n3, I'm actually waiting for pizza from umi... One more thing, actually, though our room is quite crowded, but it gets really lonely when they're not here.... Like now,,, huhuhu.....

Okay, that's all... Daa~

Letting Go (One-shot story) (Fanfic)

2011-01-04T12:10:00.001+08:00

A/N : I put this on my Facebook before... Just in case, if anyone haven't read this yet... lol

This is one of my one-shot fanfics that I'd like to share... :)

Flashback

“How can you be so short?” he ruffled her hair as the girl in front of him pouted.

“I’m not!” she puffed her cheeks in annoyance. Suddenly a woman entered the room making them both jumping in excitement towards her.

“Mom!!!” Both of them hugged her as she smiled greeting the twins.

“Did you take a good care of your sister?” she asked the boy as the boy nodded while grinning. The woman kissed them both on the cheeks.

End of flashback

“When will you sign the contract?” The young man just stared at the window ignoring his friend. A moment later, he looked back at his friend.

“Cancel it,” he stood before grabbing his coat and walked away from the room leaving the other soul in the room yet again.

Flashback

“It’s mine!”

“No! It’s mine!” He grabbed the coloring book from the little girl and ran away. Not wanting to lose, the younger girl ran after him but he was too fast. Her eyes are getting teary. Feeling angry, tears rolled down her cheeks as her cries getting louder and louder. Hearing her crying, he suddenly stopped running. He turned around and went back to her. Kneeling down, he gave her back the book.

“Here…”

“Nappeun saram (bad person)!!!” she cried louder and threw the book.

“I hate you! I hate oppa!!!”

End of flashback

Driving to the beach, he remembered when they used to come here with their parents. Him and Jaejin. Every time they came here, Jaejin would become so excited and she wouldn’t stop jumping in excitement.

He pulled up his car and turned off the engine. Again, he’s here. This feeling. So close yet so far away. He sighed. It just couldn’t be described with words.

Flashback

“Oppa! Look! A starfish!” she pulled him with all her might as the 7 year old boy chuckled.

“I thought you said you hate starfish,” he teased her. She pouted.

“I only said I hate Patrick…”

“So what? Patrick is still a starfish,”

“Uggh! I hate you!”

End of the flashback

Tracing his hand along the picture, he found himself missing her again.

How could he not? She’s his other half. Her heart is beating for him.

Long hair, chocolate eyes, thick eyebrows, rosy cheeks… she looked so happy in the picture.

How he wished, he could trade his life for her instead of the opposite…

Flashback

“Mom! Why can’t I play with oppa?!!!” She whined. It’s been awhile since she played with him and she started to miss him.

“Oppa is sick honey…” her mom caressed her long hair.

“Why?”

“Oppa’s heart is weak… So, he has to rest…”

“Can’t he take my heart?” she asked again with her bright eyes only to be disappointed when her mom shook her head.

“So, can I stay beside oppa? I don’t want him to be lonely…” the woman smiled and nodded.

End of the flashback

The pure crystals yet again trailed down his cheeks. He missed her – again. His dark chocolate orbs showing how fragile he is. How fragile he is when she’s no longer here. Having to accept the reality that his other half was no longer here. She’s no longer here…

Flashback

“He won’t last that long…” he hid himself behind the door with Jaejin. He knew it already though they refused to talk to him about his condition. He knew that his heart is weakened.

“How about the heart’s transplant? There must be a person who compatible with him,” he heard the doctor sigh and from the cracking voice earlier, he knew, his mom is crying again.

“There is…” “Really?!!! So, my son still has hopes…” they heard a silence inside the room for awhile before the doctor spoke again.

“Only Jaejin’s heart is compatible with his… I’m sorry…” He wasn’t really surprised with the fact. Really. He knew it already, long ago. He felt someone tugging his shirt as he was lost in his thoughts. Turning around, his eyes met with Jaejin – a-crying-Jaejin indeed.

“Oppa… Are you really going to leave me?”

End of flashback

Holding the tickets on his hand, he walked into the airport rather casually far different from his usual serious style. His thumbs gently caressed the two airplane tickets on his hands. After checking in, he walked to gate 9. With a determined expression, he took a deep breath before moving his feet.

Flashback

“Oppa! Look! An airplane!!!” Jaejin jumped excitedly showing the plane on the sky. He laughed as he saw her jumping around. After the plane disappeared, she sat beside Jaejoong on the bench. There are some other patients who walked around the park accompanied by their families. Just like him…

“Oppa...” “Hmm…” he mumbled.

“After you got better, let’s go to Japan. I want to visit our trees there,” she said as she leaned on his shoulder. He could feel his shirt wet. He knew that she’s crying again. But, he didn’t say anything because apparently, the tears also happened to stain his cheeks.

End of the flashback

His eyes looked at the scenery outside the window as Seoul slowly fading under the thick cloud. Leaning against the seat, he looked at the seat beside him. He slightly smiled before looking out to the window again.

Flashback

His heart was thumping madly. He knew something bad happened to her. He just knew. He wanted to go out when his parents and the doctor suddenly came.

“We’re going to do the surgery tomorrow…” the doctor said to him. He looked at his parents questioningly. But they just nodded. He noticed his mom’s eyes were red and puffy.

“Where’s Jaejin?” he asked as the room suddenly silenced.

“Honey, let’s do the operation first, I’ll bring Jaejin later, okay?” he shook his head furiously.

“No!!! I want to meet Jaejin first!” the doctor signaled the nurse to pass him the syringe.

“Noo!!! Something happened to her right?!!! Tell me!!!” his struggling slowly fading as he slowly doze off.

End of flashback

This place. They used to play here when they’re still small. When they were 5 years old, they planted trees here. Two to be exact. He caressed the big trees. 20 years already passed. He remembered their vow to come here again. Together.

“Jaejin… you’re a liar…” he mumbled.

Flashback

“Promise me… live happily…” she gave him one last smile before fading away. He held his hand out not wanting to let her go. But she disappeared… fading along with their memories.

Months passed, he finally could accept that she’s already gone. The day before his surgery, Jaejin was involved in a car accident as she was crossing through the road. She got an internal bleeding inside her brain. The doctors said she could’ve fight for her life but she didn’t…. and he knew why…

End of the flashback

‘You said we’ll come here together, remember? How come you let me come here alone? You jerk…’ he kneeled down in front of the trees. His hands slowly dug the ground. He then placed a necklace inside the small hole and buried it. Smiling, he looked up the trees.

‘I’ll eat as twice, smile as twice, cry as twice, work as twice and try everything as twice as hard, so that you’ll know I’m living happily. I’m living this life for you… for both of us. You’re sly. Leaving me behind to do all this huh? Saranghae…” he whispered as tears slid down his cheeks.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

5:41a.m

-Sya’ak Lee-

After (Hou) by Zhang Li Yin

2011-01-03T11:30:00.001+08:00

since I'm lazy to write new things, I just post up something I wrote months ago... hehe...

After is a track from Li Yin’s 1^st album, I Will. This song shows off the strong and independent strength of a girl. Li Yin’s strong vocal really blew me off every time I listened to this song.

This song has no MV for it but I’m planning to do one since I like this song so much. I’m doing a One-Shot story based on this song but since I’m quite busy with other things, I got a writer-block lately.

After or Hou is a Chinese song with a deep meaning. It’s the opposite of Timeless, her first single. Timeless is a promise between two lovers. But After is a sad song that implies the aftermath of a broken relationship.

“Love is an extravagant form of loneliness”

This line means how the love that once the source to warm the heart turned into the loneliness that couldn’t even be bear by one’s heart. From the lyrics, we know the girl leave the guy first but she never realized how much it hurts until the guy choose to leave.

“My breath is dying down, tears are mocking my foolishness
My heart has no energy left to turn back”

These lines indicate that she realized that she’s wrong but she knew, it just couldn’t be changed and as a result, she lose faith which is the source of energy for the heart. Faith is one of the most powerful things in the world. It can make you smile but yet kill you at the same time... Why? Because when you keep your faith in the wrong things, you’re holding onto things that aren’t yours and thus it’ll slowly kill you… Aren’t you going to agree with me?

Lyrics Translation

After

For me who had already lost my memories
Love is an extravagant form of loneliness
My shaking hands, the warmth that can’t be caught
My heart had already fell to pieces

(I DON'T KNOW) why you left
(I DON'T KNOW)
(I DON'T KNOW) your love
(I DON'T KNOW) will never return

Love has no excuses
There was a time in this world where you were the sole beauty
The gray sky; the end of memory lane
Ever since I lost you
My heart finally knew how much it hurt

For me whose heart had already stopped beating
Is shrinking into the distant background
My breath is dying down, tears are mocking my foolishness
My heart has no energy left to turn back…

(I DON'T KNOW) why you left
(I DON'T KNOW)
(I DON'T KNOW) your love
(I DON'T KNOW) will never return

Love has no excuses
There was a time in this world where you were the sole beauty
The gray sky; the end of memory lane
Ever since I lost you
My heart finally knew how much it hurt…

(I DON'T KNOW)
(I DON'T KNOW)
(I DON'T KNOW) You said you’d leave NO NO NO NO NO NO

(I DON'T KNOW)......

The lonely melody; the suffocating air
A lost love is the only reality
Who is willing to hear me out?
My heartbreaking cries, my longings till the end
It was then did I know that only pain was left
(No more turning back)
(Love has no excuses)
(There was a time in this world) this world (you were the sole beauty)
(The gray sky; the end of memory lane)
(Ever since I lost you) you’ve left already (my heart finally knew how much it hurt…)

After I left you

Cr; Chocolyn.org

p/s: Along, ble nk belanje ak??? hehe

The truest of the true, honesty?

2010-12-27T00:18:00.000+08:00

Feeling bored now but with mind full of thoughts... Arrgghh! I'm thinking too much again...

Right, blame the definition essay... yeah, rite...

I, Sya'ak Lee, definitely hate factual essays! But, I did found out something...

Honesty is really such a lonely word. Walking throughout life, it's hard to find honesty in people. Even I, myself often lying to myself.

I'd rather have someone being honest to me and cry rather telling me pretty lies to make me smile. Coz after sometimes, the truth will be too painful to be accepted and I'd end up lying to myself.

Even so, it's hard to find the truest of the true. Funny isn't it? I never believe in sweet words. Because like I said, being honest might be hard sometimes, but better had it hard earlier rather than having a broken heart later.

It's hard enough living with the reality, don't lie just to make others happy for in the end, there'll be neither you nor me smiling upon the lies...

Through the memories

2010-12-20T16:09:00.000+08:00

How long has it been? 1 year? Or maybe less… But, deep in my heart, I always those moments we’re together. I admit, there are times that I feel so down… but, even then, we’re always together… People may change but my love for you will never change…

Memories... How precious...

Just a little words

2010-12-10T14:01:00.000+08:00

Sometimes short

Sometimes long

Sometimes laugh

Sometimes frets

or sometimes fears

Sometimes tears

Maybe... Just maybe...

would it make a difference?

As the wind passes by,

followed by the unnoticeable dust

would it be me?

Maybe... Just maybe...

This is a dream...

-Sya'ak Lee-

Friday, 10/12/2010
1:57p.m

Life... It's just like that...

New semester, New start

2010-11-30T13:25:00.000+08:00

Coming back to Nilai, I was literally dead when I arrived at my so called lovely dorm... ermm... more like house actually... lol... It's already the 2nd day we're starting the 2nd semester. I was quite shocked hearing the number of students eliminated and here I thought it's only me couldn't really follow the flow.

We, the science tech students were divided into 3 now. Truthfully, this 2nd semester seemed to be somewhat 'dry'... I don't know, but I don't really sense the passion. well, maybe the fact that we're dividing into three or something.

Maybe I should continue watching this scene... Given that there might be any interesting scene in the future... lol...

"Never stop believing for it's the source of ur strength"

That's what I put on my desktop... somehow I felt how ironic... I always have this kind of battle inside my brain. Sometimes I felt that there's no use in hoping when I, in the first place never initiate everything. I mean it felt somehow ridiculous. Not giving enough and then hoping for something in return when you, in the first place neglect everything.

Well, it seemed like I had already activated the sarcastic side of me again... Better be careful coz this side of me actually have had enough caring for others so instead it became somewhat... sarcastic.. lol...

I'm still hoping that those who had been eliminated would be back... Well, let's pray for them then...

Anyway, new semester, new start! Let's work towards our goal or dream!

Even if it means 'die'

lol...^^

Till then,

Bye!

Dont cry anymore...

2010-11-02T00:14:00.006+08:00

Entah...
Tak dapat pikir pape pun skrg...
Bukan,
sebetulnya, terlalu banyak yang bermain dalam fikiran sekarang...

Melayu? English? Mandarin? Hangul?
Nak gune bhs ape utk describe semua ni?

Lepas bce N3 kat blog Kak Kiah.... Finally, I had the gut to accept it... to admit it... that, she's already gone...

Tapi, kenapa baru start tulis N3 ni, aku tetibe rase lain?

Sedih?

No... It can't be sad... Sebab pengakhiran dia disini adalah permulaan kehidupan dia yang bahagia di sana...

But, why does this tears won't stop flowing???

*********************

That day, 5.30a.m... Aku tibe2 terbangun... Ada orang call? Rumahku syurgaku? Mata masih dalam keadaan separuh terbuka bile aku angkat call...

"Assalamualaikum. Kak ngah, mak nak bagitau ni... Mak Su dah tak de... Mak akan gi KL pg ni dengan flight..."

Innalillah... Aku msih mneruskn perbualan ringkas ngan mak. Bgtau dia, ak ade exam BI n BA hari ni... Mak kate, tak payah la datang...

Beep... Talian diputuskan...

Funny how I refused to admit it. I stood and went out of the room. Hanya ade Hajar kt luar. Nak bgtau ke tak? Tapi, mulut aku terkunci... It really felt like there was a large lump in my throat...

Msuk ke bilik pikah n dbah utk gosok baju... Lampu tak buke... Slowly, the tears flowed. My lips formed a small smile in that dark room... can't let others saw it... I just wanted to be alone...

Lepas gosok baju, masuk dalam bilik. Langsung tak cakap ape2 kat umi n hajar. Baring atas katil n selubung dgn comforter... and the tears flowed again... wanting to sleep... hoping that when I woke up, it's just a nightmare...

6.30 pg... bangun lg... Rupenye tu adlh realiti...

Dalam bas, duduk tepi Hajar... Tapi, tak nak ckp ape2... Cume tersnyum pahit jer bile Hajar cakap... Nak bagitau... Tapi, kate2 tu tak mmpu keluar... Hajar, Mak su aku da tak de... tapi, ia tetap tak keluar...

Sampai kat stadium nilai... aku tepuk Hajar... "Aku nak bagitau something... nanti aku msg"... Tapi, bazir kredit jer... so, aku terus taip. Tangan terketar sikit... then, pass kat Hajar...

Hajar, Mak su ak da tak de

Dia terus pandang aku lepas dia bace. "Iye ker? Innalillah... Bile?"

"5.30 pg td..." ak ketap bibir. Air mate b'tkung lagi kt mate... Ak senyum kat dier... n berpaling utk keluar... nampak ctie...

aku tak nak orang lain nampak aku nangis... aku tak biase... ak tak suke... mungkin aku ego... Tapi, air mata ni jela yang aku ada dari dulu lagi everytime I'm depressed..

coz tears are human's weakness... and I refused to accept sympathy from others... I don't need others coz I know, I have Allah...

then, aku msg ctie...

kuar kejap, aku ada kat luar...

tak lame lepas tu, die kuar. aku diam jer. Taip lagi kat hp, then pass kat ctie...

"Innalillah... bile?"

"Pagi tadi... mak aku call..." and finally, I cried freely... but still controlling it... afraid that it would catch others' attention...

I already taught myself not to let others see my tears... It's a vow...

But... of course ctie is a different case...

Lepas, BI, petang... aku keluar awal... sorang jer... then I walked to the quite isolated place... but not too far away...

There, I look up at the sky... Talking to myself... hoping that she could hear me...

jenazah dah ditanam mase tu... aku tau... coz, sebelum tu abah call...

Ak senyum lagi... Air mata mengalir lagi... murahnye air mata aku saat tu...

Cepatnyer mase berlalu...

Teringat bile mak su datang umh...
mak su selalu gaduh ngan din... sbb din nakal... tak dengar cakap mak... mak su marah...
mak su anyam sesuatu gune tali... Dia kate tu ikan paus...
mak su selalu gune bedak echanteur... warne kuning...
mak su suke nyanyi... "Padi la padi... sayang ku sayang..." bunyinye lebih kurang cmtu la...
bile mak su nak tengok drama melayu, confirm mak tak marah... (mak mrh ktorg tgk drama2...)

Bile kitorg sampai umh mak cik esah, dia la org pertama yg kami nmpk...

Tapi, tu dulu...

Bile aku tau mak su kene kanser, aku tak kate ape2... tapi, aku sangat sedih... takut suatu hari dia akan betul2 tinggalkn kami...

tapi, pengakhiran dia disini, adalah permulaan dia disana... aku patut hepi kn?

Mak su tak ada dosa... Mungkin sekarang mak su dah jumpe ngan adik Madihah... kan? Ak selalu senyum bile fikir tu... Mak su n adik Madihah dah ada kat syurga sekarang...

Bile aku melwat mak su, tiap2 kali, aku harap sangat dia tak lupe aku...

Dia tak pernah lupe...

Dia panggil aku kak ngah...

Dia tahu...

Mase kat ICU, aku masuk sorang2... Tengok tangan dia ada banyak wayar. Aku nak dia sembuh...

Aku tau dia sakit...

Hari last aku jumpe dia, sebelum minggu study... dia nangis... kate nak balik...

dia kenal kami semua... aku, along, k.chah, k.eda, Mak long yah... aku tak tau nak buat ape bile dia nangis...

aku tau... dia sakit... n aku tak nak dia sakit...

***********************
Pagi sabtu baru2 ni... mase aku baru sampai terengganu...

mak cakap... dia cam dengar suara mak su... suara mak su mengaji...
mak ketawa pahit... dia kate dia tahu mak su memang la tak pandai mengaji... tapi, dia cam terdengar je... suara tu...

aku tau mak rindu kat mak su... satu2nye adik dier...
dulu, mak selalu cakap, dia nak suruh mak su datang cnie... dia nak jage mak su...
dia tak punye peluang yang banyak untuk jage mak su...
aku tau dia rindu mak su...

Dahla...

Don't cry anymore...

Mereka yang dah pergi nampak kite menangis...

Therefore, Let's not cry anymore...

Back again~

2010-10-18T02:41:00.005+08:00

If you notice, I already removed the on-hiatus term. Meaning that I'm back! lol...

Ignore it...

so, Why the sudden change?

I got an e-mail recently from my so called secret admirer telling me to quit living like this. Strange. Seemed like she understands me so much though we just only knew each other not more than 6 months. But, no matter how, I know she's telling me to live my life not to waste my life. Knowing that writing is my life and all that...

Now, people might question why they always see me carrying my laptop around? lol...

Simple. Coz it's my life. What did I write? Diary?

No. Not necessarily... coz if any of you ever read my diary, you won't really understand what I wrote. It's pretty much like a poem rather than a diary.

In a simple word, I've already grown attached to this lappy...

Final exam is coming soon... Yeah... I know, I know...

I'm a mess... T___T

physics? Math? biscuit? hp? and definitely my beloved lappy? ^^

Life is really that difficult, huh?

Currently listening to random songs... x__X

I.DON'T.WANT.TO.GO.TO.THE.CAMPUS.TOMORROW!!!!!

Enough with the whine...

So, anyone have the song Saleem, tinggal kenangan??? I've been wanting to listen to it... Missing home? probably... coz I called it as our song...

I'm getting strange cravings for plum nowadays...lol... Not really strange coz I've always like that fruit... Last time I tried to find plum at Giant Nilai didn't found it... T___T

Final

2010-10-14T09:39:00.002+08:00

It's really been a long time since I visit this blog. Not that I already forgot bout this blog, but it's just due to other things I got to do. I'm actually also on-hiatus term for my fanfics and other blogs except for one.

I'm still actually on-hiatus but today, I just felt like posting up a new n3...

2 weeks more... It seemed like I'm hyperventilating more nowadays... Even the slightest mistake could make me suddenly angry (well, given my temper)...

Don't know how to describe it. But, it definitely got something to do with the final exam... I wish I could calm myself now.

Sometimes, I asked myself, what am I doing here? and the answer??? that's for me to know and for you to figure out.

Now, just please don't ask me that question coz I couldn't give the answer to you...

Yes or No???

2010-08-19T10:41:00.002+08:00

I'm still contemplating whether to post or not an n3 written by me yesterday. Basically it's just too long... lol...

I got to see Li Yin's new selcas today... hehe...

Maybe after this, I won't be updating this blog for a period of time. I think I spent too much time on this blog and neglected my fic's readers. It actually made me happy reading their comments. An author will be happy if someone like her story right? that's typical...

This blog is made because of .... I can't remember why I made this blog around two years ago...

It always made me wonder whether if there's anyone reading the n3s here... or is it just me? But, one thing for sure I know a very certain someone who would read my entries... and she's the reason why I always updated this blog. But, I guess she'll be too busy nowadays to spend some of her times to read my rants... lol

and therefore, there's no point if i update this right?

definitely...

Besides, I have to finish some projects on9 which involved me...

sooo tired~

Okay...

So, Yes or No??? urmm... still thinking~

Please take notice, if there's a -on-hiatus- notice, that's mean, I'm not going to update until the end of September or maybe october... it depends...

Daa~

Chalgayo~

Another Rant~

2010-08-17T14:02:00.004+08:00

Yesterday... if anyone notice my post on FB which stated "After all these years, you just failed to understand me...." is it? I think it sounded pretty much like that.

I don't know why I was so upset yesterday reading something somewhere... and you know what, that's what I feel... I thought I already knew it. I thought I could already live with it. I thought I could just let it pass. But, finally I know, I can’t… I just can’t.

Don't want to talk much bout that.... actually, becoz of that, I was moody until Hajar and Umi said something funny.... Hak3

I'm going to Along's place this weekends... First and foremost, got to claim my RM20 from her... hehe

lalala~

Okay, study2!!

Daa~

p/s: Another one week and we got to see Li Yin again.... :)

It's tiring

2010-08-16T13:07:00.002+08:00

Isn't it?

Today, wake up at 5.00a.m then sahur then go back to sleep then wake up at 6.45a.m then solat subuh then take a bath then dress up then take the bag then walk down the stairs then wait for the bus then wait and wait again...

hehe

I arrived at USIM around 8.17a.m... Class started at 8.30a.m... still early~ Living a life like this is tiring right? waiting... waiting... and waiting... with no end!
Pathetic isn't it? -_-"

I missed being home~

I spent my weekends with along, ctie and Mak chik's family... and we go back to Melaka... but not nyalas... and we went to visit Mak Long in Malacca Hospital...

and just like that, I finished my weekends...

This coming Thursday, there'll be a math quiz... Geez~ These quizzes will definitely be the death of me one of these days...

Oh, did I mention I got a very bad result for the recent bio quiz? The answer is simple, I forgot to study~ T___T

Depressing isn't it? I think people around me are more depressed when they looked how I manage my own life... Well, can't do anything bout that... I'm living my own life... haha

Not funny...

19 days to go... Urm... So, what am I going to eat for berbuka today??? It doesn't matter... After all we eat because we're hungry... So the aim is for the hunger to go far far away...
Okay, I think I'm being ridiculous here...

Definitely....

Time's up! Got to go praying now...

Daa~

Selamat Berpuasa!

2010-08-10T14:09:00.003+08:00

and as the title said; Selamat Berpuasa kepada semua pembaca2 'It's yOu anD mE' yang beragama islam... hehe...

First time fasting far awaaaaaayyyyy from home... T___T

Anyway, we're planning to go to Mak Chik's house this saturday... Me, along and ctie... huhu

I was very2 upset that I couldn't really answer the mid sem question... T___T

Domu2 himdureo....

Thanks to all the people that wish me luck for my exam... Friends in USIM, dib, Mir, Teen2, ctie, Friends in fanfic community... etc2...

Looks like I have to work harder from now on!

Sya'ak, Jia you!

Thanks!

Daa~

p/s: I'm so happy with the Chocolyn's new theme...^^

(Review) 庚心 (Hangeng's album, Geng's Heart)

2010-07-31T08:00:00.007+08:00

So, who's exactly this dude?

He's Hankyung, a former Super Junior member as well as the former leader of Super Junior M... I'm not going to talk about the lawsuit thingy coz it made me feel quite sad...

Anyway, it's a relief that he's leading this kind of life. Hangeng didn't sign any contract as an artist with any other companies right now. He just signed a record label for his album to be released in asia...

I didn't really pay attention to this before because I know his vocal would never manage to impress me. Suddenly, I have a thought of reviewing his songs today.... and I did!

First of all, in terms of vocal, I'm not really impressed. I would just say, okay, he could sing... that's it. He got this typical chinese singer's type of vocal which is slow and calming... It's far away differ than Li Yin's vocal which is so strong...^^

Surprisingly, it managed to capture my ear. He managed to portray the emotions in the song very well! Which song did I talk about? It's 'Say No'... I'm impressed! Really... I'm not going to post up the lyrics for that song, but, just so you know, 'Say No' really reflect Hangeng's life. It's like telling people what he felt when he was in Super Junior. You'll understand me if you're a true ELF...

Another song managed to capture my heart is 'Wings of love'... The song was written by Hangeng's fan back in 2007... It's a touching song and the lyrics was written beautifully. Somehow I think this song managed to give courage to Hangeng to keep holding on during his hard times...

After all, it's the love between Super Junior and ELF made me drawn into them in the first place...

The latest song released is 'My Logo'... This song is a collaboration between composers from all over the world. “My Logo” is a work featured as dance music, the creation, record, production of this song can be said as a large scale of international collaboration. Four American producers, Tearce Kizzo Keaz, Craig Williams, Rene Van Versaveld, Francesca Richard, allied with godfather of Taiwan dance music A Zai Di, all worked together to make this song accomplished. The dance for this song is devotedly composed by Michael Jackson’s team.

I'm really looking forward to the live performance for this song...^^

Hangeng and Michael Jackson's dance team...

Also, when I said Hangeng didn't sign under any company before rite? It's because neither SM nor him were backing off from the lawsuit. So, basically, he's still under SM in certain terms.

In Taiwan, his album would be released by ‘Golden Typhoon’, and Han Geng is officially Show Luo’s junior in the company. He's pretty close to Show Luo...^^

If you ask me about 'My Logo', urm... the music at the beginning reminded me of xiahtic... Nevertheless it got a new fresh feel in it...

"Han Geng was once chosen to be the ambassador for protecting the Great Wall of China. He held his press conference at the Great Wall of China on 22nd June. 5000 balloons printed with ‘Geng’ were released into the air over there. He also announced that he will hold two solo concerts in Beijing on the 17th and 18th of July. He most probably would be in Taiwan to meet his fans in August.

Han Geng who seems to gain weight, was smiling throughout the conference and expressed that he is very happy at the moment. He also stated that being a soloist is to be more loyal to his heart. He also revealed that he is learning under Michael Jackson’s choreographer, becoming Michael Jackson’s junior.

As for the concert, Han Geng is really excited. He expressed that this is his first time holding a concert as a soloist so it means a lot to him. He uses his concert to promote his album, other than singing his songs; he would also be exposing the songs in his new album as well. As for his concert’s guests, he is not willing to say anything."

I'm wishing he would somehow bring back Li Yin to China... I mean... Li Yin would've probably got tons of songs if she's not under SM now.

and I think I know why Li Yin didn't participate the World Expo in China... It's because Hangeng is one of the ambassadors for the the World Expo...

Geez~ SM already lose someone who made Suju managed to break into Chinese market. If SM lose Li Yin, it would probably take forever for them to break into Chinese market again. We did know China is one of the biggest market range in the world and the fact they're losing TVXQ to break into Japan's market is just...... and same with China market, to break into Japan's market alone is very very hard...

Now, it seemed like they only have Korean market... So, do u think by using SHINee, f(x) and SNSD would made them much money? I don't think so... because if you look closely, though SNSD, SHINee and f(x) got sooooo much fans all over the world, but hey, did they really buy the album? Or just download them from the internet??? Think over it...

Illegal downloading is strictly prohibited in japan. So how do you think fans of TVXQ listen to the songs? Yeah, of course by buying their albums... After all, TVXQ is the only korean artist who got the biggest fanbase all over the world... and the first korean group to become the 1st in the world to break the highest album sales record!

lol... the last 3 paragraphs are so out of the topic... But still, I need to vent my anger... and I did mention, Chocolates are not as much as other fanbases. But, the fact that cassies and ELF also support Li Yin warm our hearts.

In fact, she really produced a good album. Or else her 'I Will' album wouldn't manage to get into Melon charts (for the album sales)...

Okay, enough for the rant....

That's all

I hope everyone would support Hangeng's album as well...^^

Bye

No Other and Lucifer???

2010-07-30T20:57:00.004+08:00

Currently I'm listening to I have nothing... *sigh*... such a beautiful song... I'm listening to Zhang Li Yin's version though.

The way she pronounce some of the lyrics is actually quite funny. I bet she don't know much of english based on what I know bout her... she's lucky she's a chinese... lol... I mean, chinese people are everywhere... so, shouldn't be much problem rite? and her korean is actually better than Hangeng or Hankyung... keke...

I'm going back tomorrow.... T___T I'll be missing home again... Abah had gone to Malacca this evening because Mak Long suddenly admitted to the hospital due to... urm... I don't really know bout that.

Super Junior's No Other did manage to make me smile... Did I mention before, Bonamana didn't even get close to my expectations? That's why I'm not really surprised with the popularity of the song. No offence here E.L.F... I would never offend E.L.F coz most of them always support us chocolates...^^

What I mean here... same with 'Moving On' from Li Yin's 2nd single. I don't really like the song at first and her image is too... -_-"
But, as time goes by, I could accept it simply because I like her way too much. Her vocal on stage is really something... always leaving me in awe...

urm... where were we just now? Ah right, Super Junior's No Other... Yeah... the song portray so much fairytale like love stories.... and I like the music there...^^

Talking bout music, it made me suddenly thought of Lucifer, SHINee's album. At first, I didn't really care bout that, but when one day chocolates started to spazz around about Minho thanks to on the album... and he mentioned bout Li Yin in there. (if you ask me why a simple thanks made us spazz like mad, then, figure it yourself...^^)

and so, I paid attention to Lucifer... okay, mainly because of Hajar... First time I heard the song, compared to the other songs before, the music sounds more vigorous. Some didn't agree with the use of the word Lucifer. If any of you don't know, Lucifer = the devil/satan.

Basically, in bible, Lucifer was created by God, and was once a perfect and beautiful cherub or angel (Ezekiel 28:14-15). He was created to serve and worship God, but he was created with the ability to have freedom of choice. Lucifer chose to serve himself instead of God. His heart became filled with pride because of his beauty, (Ezekiel 28:17) and he became rebellious (disobedient) against God. He believed he could be like God the most High (Isaiah 14:13-15). God then cast Lucifer out of heaven because of his sin (Isaiah 14:12; Ezekiel 28:15-19).

I know in this song, lucifer would be described as the devil who trapped someone in the love game. So, it didn't mean it in religious way but more in literal way... So, why lucifer? Because lucifer tempted people... lucifer is also full of pride because of his beauty.

Lucifer had always been used from long ago to reflect a girl's behaviour literally...

Okay, enough with this lucifer thingy because it made my head ache...-_-"
Lucifer got too much definition from christian, jews...bla...bla...bla

From the album, I found one song which I think at least reach my expectation. I think that song contains mostly Onew and Joghyun voices. Well, at least this album got some songs with meanings rather than their songs before...

Thinking about it now, wow... It's been quite long since I started viewing k-pop. I'm pretty much a sunbae now... Lol...

Like one of my friends said, "tsk... tsk... ai... nin lao le!!!" lol...^^

That's all!

Till then,

Bye...

Home again :)

2010-07-27T23:07:00.003+08:00

I'm home!!! Couldn't really describe the feelings but it felt really different being here again. I can't believe I'm finally back to the place where I belong. Somehow, the last day I'm at USIM, before holiday, I could feel something tugging onto my heart. I don't know why but it seemed like I'm also belong to that place. Hard to describe... But, it's nothing.

4 days left before going back to USIM... *sigh* I know eventually, I have to go... I have to go back to claim my place...

I got many new readers and I'm really excited about that. But, I have to curb my enthusiasm from letting myself posted all the chapters or else I would have nothing to post later... Aiisshh! So much for being a writer here... -_-"

Currently listening to Untouchable, 'It's okay'... a very beautiful song indeed and also the inspiration for my story, PIECES...

I think I have to start packing or else I wouldn't know what to bring back. I want to bring some clothes... and (many) food...^^

I'm waiting for e-mail from that chen hao guy. Who is he??? hehe... my boyfriend...
Gotcha!!! Hehe... Just kidding. He's a friend of mine. Let me tell u one secret, his english sucks... but, he still try his best to write to me. Well, I don't really remember much chinese vocab for me to read chinese. It'll take forever!!!

Anyway, though I do have many chinese friends but since their english is very good and fluent, we don't have much problems to communicate. I just use simple chinese words written in pinyin with them...

Like, 'wan an', 'wo xiangnian ni', 'wo ai ni', 'wo jue de bu shufu', 'Ni hao ma'...etc...

haha... curious much? I guess you know what those words mean...

okay, DearlC just updated her fanfic. I'm going to read them... hehe...

Have anyone listened/watched/saw Taeyang's 'I Need a girl'... Gosh!!! It's gross!!! Geez~ Where's the innocent boy I knew before??? But, got to admit he's charismatic on stage... But, still... my heart already belonged to Zhang Li Yin... Ha3

her latest pic made me jiggy all over... Hua3... Got to stop that!

Daa~

Happy Birthday to Kinah!!!

2010-07-20T13:59:00.004+08:00

I guess it’s just an epic failure trying to keep myself from posting new entries into this blog. -_-“

Anyway, welcome to the new readers! And also hello to old readers or is it just a reader??? x___x

In this not so humble entry of mine, I’m just going to rant as usual. So, if you’re already…-_-“…. as soon as you read this, please politely click the ‘x’ button up there…

It’s now, 7.15p.m and I’m at my home… oppss… I mean hostel listening to songs like I always do…

I wonder what’s up with my other friends out there. Or are they already forgetting me??? If so, then….. *sigh*…

Maybe, I should sing ‘I have nothing’ since I really have nothing to say about. Boring right? Again, please politely click the ‘x’ button up there if you feel so…: p

Okay, practically I have many things to rant about but I don’t feel like writing it here anyway. I don’t expect you guys are happy to read them. It’s definitely boring right?

I don’t care anymore.... One of these days, chemistry will definitely be the death of the great (???) Sya’ak Lee... x___x At least, I can understand physics but definitely not chemistry. It’s just -_-“

Practically, there’s nothing easy right? But, chemistry is just too…. -_-“

Enough about me…

Okay, It's Sakinah's birthday today... so, what else?? Happy Birthday!!!!

I can't wait to go home (i mean in Terengganu) and sleep... :p

Till then,
Daa~

Written on Monday, 19th July 2010

Moving On (1st story...^^)

2010-07-13T07:45:00.004+08:00

I thought I already posted up 'Moving On' here before. But, I just realized, I posted it up on my other blog and in Chocolyn... Hehe

Anyway, I decided to post it here. Please comment on my writing...^^

Now, that I thought about it, it's actually not my first story. But rather the very first story in english that I published here...

Just to warn you guys, it's definitely a sad story...

Moving On

Inspired fully by Zhang Li Yin’s song, Moving On a.k.a Sunny day, Rainy day

“I’m sorry…” with those words, he walked away from me leaving me alone. Why? Why did he do this to me? Unconsciously, my body already slumped onto the ground as my knees weakened. Tears flowed uncontrollably. Is this the feeling? Is this the feeling of a broken heart? If that’s so, then Lord, please kill me for I can’t stand this feeling anymore. It’s unbearable. My chest tightened. I don’t care if people said I’m crazy since to me, life is worthless. I’m already broken…

I came out from the bathroom after the long shower. I’m so tired today considering that we had to work overtime to meet the deadline. My left hand reached for the mug while my other hand took the spoon. I made my favorite coffee with mind full of thoughts. Well, mostly about work. The smell of the coffee filled my nose as I poured in hot water. After finished making the coffee, I went to sit on the couch in front of the big window. The night view here is very beautiful which was the reason why I bought this condominium. Sipping the coffee, memories flowed back into my mind.

Some people said that five years are quite long. But to me, it felt just like yesterday I went home crying and crying again until my brother came and asked me what happened. Our parents died in an accident when I was 2 years old so my brother brought me to country side and took care of me. I barely remembered them. I just grew up only with the irrevocable love given by my brother and the pictures of our parents. I fell asleep after hours of crying. As far as I remember, after that day, we moved to U.S and I finished my studies and graduated there. Finally, I came back to work here as my brother assigned me to take over the company’s branch here. As for him, he had to stay in U.S to manage the company. I think he felt that I’m already big enough to live by myself.

My lips curved to form small smile thinking about how protective he is when it comes to things involving me. My gaze suddenly diverted to the painting situated on the wall beside the window. It was the first thing that caught my eyes after I went back to our old house. I don’t know why, I just couldn’t throw it even though it reminded me so much about him – the one that broke my heart. As if on cue, rain suddenly started to fall. Through the window, I could clearly see the rain. I just couldn’t deny the little shattering pain that slowly burning in my heart. Yes, it’s hurt but I’m already too used to it. That’s why I said five years wasn’t long – it’s just not long enough for me to forget him…

I was on my way to meet a client at a café when I spotted a very familiar figure stood in front of my car. When I saw her, my feet immediately froze. Sensing my presence, she turned around and smiled at me. With all my might, I smiled back while trying to hide my mixed feelings. I can’t let my guard down in front of her. I just can’t. It was then I realized that she was no longer wearing the diamond ring that he gave her 5 years ago. Instead, she wore a very simple ring which suddenly reminds me of something happened 5 years ago.
Flashback…
“I think she will like this one,” I pointed a simple yet elegant ring to grab my brother’s attention. He turned his gaze to the ring pointed by me and smiled.
“I’ll take this one!” He said excitedly.

“Can we talk for a while?” her voice suddenly brings me back to the reality. I looked at her for awhile before nodding my head. I called my one of the manager to replace me meeting the client. We then proceed to the restaurant near my office. It’s a high class restaurant and there’s only two couples eating there that time. It’s surely a perfect place for us to have a serious talk. I ordered cappuccino and she ordered latte, my brother’s favorite drink. After the young waitress gone, she took out a black box and a letter.
“I’m sorry for everything happened 5 years ago,” she narrated. I sensed a trace of regrets formed in her eyes.
“I think you should read this first before I explain everything to you…” She handed the letter and the box to me. My hands slightly trembled as I opened the letter.

My dear princess,
I hope you’re doing very well now. I know you will because you’re a very strong girl. If you’re reading this, it means I didn’t make it. But, don’t cry because you’ll hurt me. I’m watching you from up here… I’m sorry for breaking your heart because I don’t want you to see me dying. Don’t get angry at my ‘girlfriend’, she just trying to help me and she’s in love with your brother!

I loved you and will always love you…
With love,
Your Prince

I noticed tears flowed down wetting the letter. My heart shattered again into pieces. You jerk! Why did I ever fall in love with you?!!! How could you abandon me just because you’re dying!

“He got a brain tumor. The moment he was being told by the doctor that his chance of surviving was less than 10%, he asked me to become his fake ‘girlfriend’. I finally agreed when he begged me. He loved you so much that he didn’t want you to see him die because he knew you also loved him as much as he did. He thought if he broke up with you, you’ll move on and find another guy. Your brother went to find him the day he broke up with you. I saw your brother punched him but he didn’t hit back nor ran away. Luckily I was there and I was the one who explained it to him. He begged your brother to bring you away as you might hear people talking about his death. After he died, I went to U.S to find your brother and give these to you. But, when he told me about your condition, I know, it’s not the right time to give these to you. After you came back here, we discussed about it and he finally agreed that we can’t keep this secret from you anymore. I’m sorry…” She looked in my eyes and I could see tears threatened to fall from her eyes.

“This is the ring that he wanted to give you as your birthday present…” she continued. I opened the box. It’s a diamond ring with the word ‘princess’ carved on it. “Tell me where his grave…is” I tried to speak calmly almost whispering even if I already couldn’t hold the tears.

I put the yellow acacia on his grave. The diamond ring shone brightly on my right hand. I smiled.
“How are you? See… I’m smiling now. Remember you used to give the yellow acacia before we started to date. Let me tell you a secret… Actually, I already know the meaning of yellow acacia. But, I just wanted to torture you a little bit by acting dumb…” I chuckled when I remembered the days before he confessed to me. My vision suddenly blurred as tears formed in my eyes.
“I wish I would never do that and we would probably spend more time together…” I whispered.

My brother had moved here since he’ll get married by the end of this month. He already moved the company centre here as he planned to settle down here. I quitted my job the day after he came back. I knew, he was worried about me but I assured him I would be just fine because I’m no longer the little girl who always clung onto him before. I joined the volunteer team to help children around the world.

As for my memories with him, I decided to keep it deep in my heart. Some of my friends said that I still couldn’t let him go. I didn’t deny it. He’s my first love and probably my last love because even if I want to let go and walk forward alone, I know, I’ll never be alone for his memories still live inside my heart forever…

The sound of the rain outside the window echoes throughout the empty room
In my dreams I pray tomorrow will be a sunny day
The last kiss goodbye; how can I not yearn for you
I'll regard it as a keepsake, a memento of your farewell

Memories keep me company throughout the long lonely nights
Sunlight quietly streams into my room
Why do I feel this little shattering pain
Slowly burning into my heart; I miss your face

Standing at the boundary between a sunny and rainy day
Should I smile or should I cry
Just let myself fall apart

Standing at the boundary between a sunny and rainy day
I want to let go and walk forward alone
But I discover I haven't gone far at all

My thoughts spread, my steps refuse to go forward
Retreating to once again welcome that dilemma
Why can't I reach the side of the sunny day
My expression is already exhausted, but I still don't regret

Standing at the boundary between a sunny and rainy day
Should I smile or should I cry
Just let myself fall apart

Standing at the boundary between a sunny and rainy day
I want to let go and walk forward alone
But I discover I haven't gone far at all

Standing at the boundary between a sunny and rainy day
Should I smile or should I cry
Just let myself fall apart

Standing at the boundary between a sunny and rainy day
I want to let go and walk forward alone
But I realize I can't stop these tears

Date finished: 15 March 2010, 06.25p.m

p/s : To those who don't know about this, yellow acacia means secret love

Standing at the boundary between a sunny and rainy day means like the person doesn't know what to do and where to go... That's why this song also named as 'Moving On' as the person actually couldn't let go the past and open up to the future. Basically, it's what you feel when you broke up.

Thanks for reading...^^

Me as Sya'ak

2010-07-06T07:48:00.002+08:00

I’m actually writing this on Microsoft word first before posting it on this blog. Maybe I think I’ll need a longer time to edit this post… urmm… don’t know.

Not that I never realized this, but this blog is like my own diary… But, it’s more about what happened in my life compared to my real diary. Yes, I did have a personal diary and it’s in this computer… hihi… Probably I’ve accustomed myself to type rather than writing it with my own hands. Remember, I’m a writer… You don’t expect me to write them all on papers right. I still loved trees though sometimes I do realize about my certain habit of wasting foolscap papers… After all, it’s just a foolscap paper right? Indeed…*nodding2*

I tend to write about my feelings in my diary… I mean… describing my feelings very detailed without telling the events on that day and the reason why I felt like that... After all, someday, I’ll read it back right? And I don’t like the idea of me remembering back the sad or painful or embarrassing events that happened at that time… Just reminisce about the feelings I experienced that time. We should let bygone be bygone right? So, no need to fuss over the past… when I read my diary back, I realized, life is indeed not a bed of roses… of course… Come on guys, we’re standing on the earth now!

Well, maybe some of you are hoping for me to continue writing about my life in USIM… but sad to said, I don’t have that intention… yet. Because currently I’m quite pissed off with certain things that happened here. Just give me some time to calm my anger down… I think most of you already know about my temper… ^^

I’m actually having fun visiting Chocolyn nowadays though there’re certain things made me became…-_-“ Anyway, there’s more news about her nowadays and that made me really happy. *sigh*… I hope I could read mandarin characters… T___T

The secret to being Sya’ak Lee… Haha… Is it really important??? Anyway, looks like I’m just going to write random things today… What’s actually the secret??? Walking confidently under the rain??? Hak3… Actually there’s no secret… I am just me… huhu… Anyway, the random things I’m going to post now is the clash of personality between Sya’ak Lee and aiLee… to those who doesn’t seem to know aiLee, she’s actually like my other personality mostly when I’m writing stories or fanfic… No need to be scared… I’m not a psycho… Geez~ I did write on the ‘about me’ section, ‘The real me is the one that lies within me’…. Just figure it yourself and that’s the time you’ll finally realize the real me… ^^

Clash of Personality (Sya’ak Lee vs aiLee)

Sya’ak Lee

Get mad easily when things didn’t turn out like what she wanted
Love her family and friends too much
Doesn’t drool on hot/cute/handsome/good looking guy like any other girls…LoL…^^
Prefer to sleep a lot when problems come up rather than facing the problems =) (Kata Cg Hamid; “Tidurlah… bila kamu bangun, semuanya akan hilang…”)
Good at giving excuses, but always messed up with the stories…hehe
Love cooking...^^
Has the tendency to be biased when it comes to the person she loved.
Like to read psychological/philosophy books
Can change 360 degree minus celcius when facing people she hated. (Didn’t really show in front of someone when she hate that someone)
Procrastinate a lot…
Dominating
Like her eyes because it scares people…huhu
Love Keroppi/Keroro because all it did was only smiling and looking at her with its big eyes even when she cried or mad or simply happy…
Love means hurting and it’s tiring
Talk a lot

aiLee

Doesn’t get mad easily because she’ll just laugh at others stupidity and sometimes her own…^^
aiLee is an escapade from Sya’ak’s ‘crazy’ life…huhu
Creative at creating stories (work very well with Sya’ak when didn’t/couldn’t/ mostly just lazy to finish the homework…LoL…)
Prefer cute guy…^^
Rarely being biased (Prefer to view things from both sides)
Cooking?? hurm… prefer to eat…^^
Always daydreaming to find a good storyline… (blamed by Sya’ak when got bad results in exams…hihi)
Love to fool around
Like to mock Sya’ak…
Like her eyes because they’re simply big…^^
Doesn’t really like Keroppi (or Keroro like what Sya’ak called that thing) because it’s simply annoying.
Love = Happily ever after… (How sweet…^^)
Prefer to read rather than talk

p/s: This is just a random one... pls don't keep it in ur mind... hak3

Anyway, that's me as a certain Nursyakirah Binti Razalli...

Life in USIM part 2

2010-06-30T08:07:00.003+08:00

I have a thought to write this post long ago but since I don't have that much time.... (busy doing laundry...etc... keke)

I actually got to give my very official statement regarding the students of Science Technology Group B.... They're mostly cute and adorable... Hak3

Starting from the captain (who got this certain habit of eating lollipop during lectures) and to the students who sometimes whining to the lecturers...(except for me of course...)

It made me think, are they just graduated from the kindergarten??? -_-"

Actually, studying here most of the times made me dead tired... Huhu (Is it true???)

Anyway, just to inform you guys,
New definition for beauty is certainly Nursyakirah Binti Razalli (Haha... My housemates just went -_-".... because I kept saying that... mostly to tease them...)

Last night I was having fun through video chatting with My family, and Ned. I should do that often... (Certainly!!!)

Currently, I'm waiting for ustaz Sanusi to come for Arabic... (Gosh! Another Arabic class... >_<... T___T

Still, I'm going to try my best to open my eyes throughout the whole class... (Though I don't really understand what he's saying.... hehe)

It's 8.19a.m now and I have to stop writing...

Just to inform you guys, I'm going to challenge myself writing 50 stories within a month... I think it'll be mostly one-shot... Hak3...

Okay, that's all...

Daa~

Ctie, aku masih disini

2010-06-28T11:03:00.004+08:00

Menulis aku disini hari ini untuk memaklumkan kepada mereka yang belum tahu bahawa abang kepada kawan kita Siti Aminah Binti Ibrahim telah pulang ke Rahmatullah semalam...

Aku agak kagum dengan ctie. Mengenali dia, aku tahu dia seorang yang kuat. But she's quite weak when it comes to family. Aku kagum dengan kekuatan dia menerima berita semalam. Anyway, aku tahu dia akan kembali ke nilai untuk teruskan perjuangan dia ke Pandan Indah....

Dan satu kata2 aku untuk dia,

ctie, aku masih disini dan akan sentiasa berada disampingmu walaupun jauh dimata...

Remember, I'm always here though sometimes you failed to see me...

Be strong!

Currently in D-3-3-1

2010-06-27T09:53:00.003+08:00

Hua3....

Actually, last night I slept at Ctie's home... opps... room to be exact... I slept at 3.00 a.m last night since I got to access streamyx zone here... (thanx to along!!! hua3)

Anyway, I think I got a new habit of downloading from the certain girl named Hajar... haha... But I only downloaded thing involving Zhang Li Yin just because... urm... maybe coz I miss her too much...

Living in USIM taught me so much things involving life. Well, as you grew older, you'll experience more things and from that, you'll grow. Haha... Actually, my housemates said that I'm already 30 years old... -_-" (Well, juz because the way I think is quite... ur... figure it urself...)

Now, I'm still at Ctie's house.... Geez~

Hehe....

I'm going to boost my posts at chocolyn (maybe) before I go back to my house... haha!

Daa~

First time in Pavillion

2010-06-25T13:28:00.002+08:00

haha! Seronok giler maen netball td...
(Bak kate Hajar, S-E-R-O-N-O-K....)

Pagi tadi turun la aku di Pavillion USIM buat pertama kalinya... Ni la sukan first kitorg kat USIM. Tadi gabung kumpulan tutorial, Group 8 & 9... Best2... Ader r aktiviti skit... Then, maen netball. Ader yang maen bola tampar... Tp, yer la... Klu ak maen bola tampar, tampar je 2 kali confirm terus lebam tangan...

Aku jd GK td... Syok giler r maen... (w'pun ak lg ske bola baling...) Kaki aku sakit skit td sbb lps maen terus masuk bilik kuliah... Sejuk2.... Sengal giler... Ye la... Aku kan iron woman... Mne bley duk lam air cond lme2... Beku kang... T___T

Currently, I'm in my room. Ntah camne, tbe2 dpt access streamyx zone kt cnie (Biasenye ak kne turun ke cafe)... Hua3... Best2... I'm listening to Zhang Li Yin's Yeoinniyeoh a.k.a Lover... Don't know why, but I felt like listening to sad song now... Geez~

Yesterday, for the first time, I kept my eyes open for the whole time in Quranic hadith lecture... Hua3... although, I don't really understand what ustaz's said... anyway, that's the first record... Usually, from the bismillah...... till wallahua'lam... I slept just peacefully... Hehe...

Sya'ak, Him Nae!!!!

Hua3!!!

Lupe nak mention, actually, ak jpe sorang bdk lelaki science tech B pakai tongkat... Hua3!!! Terkenang zman dolu2... Nostalgia giler!!!! Kadang2, cian gak tgk... yer r... ak kn 'org lame'.... kire cam senior r dlm bab pakai tongkat ni... Haha...

Enough for that crap... Huhu... Actually, there's too much clothes to wash... Aaaaaaa!!!! Malas!!! Malas!!!! Malas!!!!

Ok la...

Sekian sahaje untuk bebelan saye kali ini...

Daa~