Tuesday, March 4, 2014

It would be being me

Salam everyone.

My first post in 2014.

 There were times when I ended up here with a lot in mind.

But nothing came out...

Now, there are few things that kept swirling around my mind lately.

From my observation, a lot of people dwell in their own self pity. In my opinion, we can only have an amount of it and when that much exceeds, we ended up blaming others.

and I really don't want to end up like that...

Lately, I always have to remind myself that it's not fair for me to blame others when they don't even know what we're going through.

and this is what I've been going through now... 

After abah passed away, his responsibilities started to become my mom's responsibility and being the second daughter, I feel responsible to share that burden.

It was pretty hard for her when Sakinah, Mundzir and Faqihuddin were still in school (Wahidah is staying at the hostel) and I can't help much except for running some errands for her here and there.
Every morning she had to travel for almost 45 minutes to send Faqihuddin to his school when she could've just spend 15 minutes to her school from our house.
Then, there were Mundzir too in SHAMS. It took another 30 minutes journey to his school. Though he ride with my mother's friend to school but he got many extra class. So my mom ended up picking both Faqihuddin and Mundzir from school.

Now, all of them had graduated high school and Sakinah enters University College Bestari (UCB), Mundzir went to further his studies in Mesir and Faqihuddin is still waiting for his SPM result.

Naturally, I took over Sakinah's matter. Her registration, sending her, picking her up...etc

The same routine, added with all the other responsibilities... Sometimes there were just too much things to handle at once and all demand for perfection.

then, there's the asthma, slight fever and everything too...

and I can't even lie and say that it's okay coz mentally, it's not.

Sometimes I feel a surge of anger towards some people around me...
Towards my other siblings...
Towards my friends who kept teasing (I can take a few but not too much...)
Towards all the judging look
Towards all the thoughtless reminders 

In the end, I let it out to the closest people around me. Most of the times it'll be Sakinah. I have always felt guilty whenever I spoke to her on the phone. Sometimes I ended up regretting all the things that I said because I was always angry when I talked to her. I felt as if she did not try to understand me at all.

and after that, I will regret it because it's not her fault at all. She's merely asking for that much from me hoping that I could fulfill that little request.

It's the same with everyone. Everyone around me is just doing the same.

My mother was just asking for a little of my time to run some errands for her.
My best friends (nad, ctie, dbah, mirah) were just asking for me to provide a little of my time for them.
My youngest sister was just asking for a little of my time to send her to shop.

They didn't even ask for much. 

and I feel sorry for that. For not being able to do much.

and yeah, 3 years after he passed away, it's getting harder. Studies, family, life...

but who am I to complain?

I'm pretty sure some had it rougher than me.

I got a lot of questions (and even some unnecessary 'advise') as to why I keep myself being busy with other activities especially with badamd in ipg when I could've just stayed out of it and be happy with my life.

Some may not even understand even if I explained them.

I may not be as kind as an angel. I may not be as pious as others but at least, with all the things that I did, at least I could answer to Him later in hereafter...

My life is pretty much hectic and asking for others understanding was not my priority anymore. Most of the times, I let them to think however they want.

It's too much of a hassle to think about what they think anyway.

But well, being a girl and all... with all the emotional ups and downs...

 and I'm sorry too for being indifferent towards some people.

because at one point it's getting harder to accept other people in my life due to all the things that happened and that includes my past...

I'm imperfect and that's the fact.

and If there's only one thing that I'm really good at, it would be being me.