Wednesday, November 12, 2014

End of Semester 4

It's the end of another semester. Time passes by real fast. It has been 3 years since I left USIM and entered IPG. So yeah... I'm in semester 4. The end of semester 4.

and again, I have to go through the examination. 3 papers this semester. As much as I don't want to admit it, I am actually really scared. 
Scared that I would do badly in the exam. 
Honestly, after I flunked my result in the 1st semester degree, I had lose all the confidence. lol~

I guess that's what I got for being too confident. Like Eminem said, when you get too huge, you need to shrink.

So that's pretty much what happened. Now, I feel so pathetic. You pathetic human being!

Well, for the time being, let's just be positive shall we?

"The World is three days: As for yesterday, it has vanished, along with all that was in it. As for tomorrow, you may never see it. As for today, it is yours, so work in it."
 - Hassan al Basri -

So, let's work hard together! ^^

All the best everyone!


Good Luck to my beloved 'siblings'!

Saturday, November 1, 2014

Don't worry, it'll pass ^^

Often I would laugh at myself.


because I kept telling others to stay positive by being grateful but every once in a while, I'll be drowned in my own insufficiencies again. Dealing with it is harsh experience. Too much and you can go straight to depression.

and speaking of depression, these past months, I have learned a lot about this. 

I always thought that I had passed through the time I'd refer as 'The Darkest Part' of my life. 
but as time goes by, I would always fall. Succumbing to my own anger, dissatisfaction, fears, grief and all the negative emotions in the world. 
and it's back to square one. That feeling as if you're running in circles or the feeling of being sucked in by a force. You struggle to go out, but it's not enough.
The negativity, it would always linger around and when there is an opening, it'll strike

I realized this long ago but it didn't really dawned to me that I'd be depressed again until my sister told me something about mental disorders.
The words that struck me was 'It can be treated, but not cured'.

and that is why I felt what I was feeling and the only reason i didn't fell as deep as before is because I stood my ground and fight it. I know I never want to go through those time again.

but chances are always there. so managing it would be the best. There are a lot of ways but I chose to keep myself in check with the 'Living With Depression' newsletter from Everyday Health and yes, I learned a lot.

It might not be much, but as I read the articles, I would always be reminded that 
I am not the only one that have to go through this.

and so I decided to share this one story. I found this story when I was going through a hard time one month ago. 
It was hard and everything just went wrong. and I hated myself so much.
so much that it became unbearable.

I hope this story would inspire someone just as it did to me.

This too shall pass!

Once a king called upon all of his wise men and asked them, "Is there a mantra or suggestion which works in every situation, in every circumstance, in every place and in every time. In every joy, every sorrow, every defeat and every victory? One answer for all questions? Something that can help me when none of you is available to advise me? Tell me, is there any mantra?"

All the wise men were puzzled by the King's question. They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something that appealed to all of them. They went to the king and gave him something written on paper, with a condition that the king was not to see it out of curiosity.
Only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then can he see it. The King put the paper under his huge diamond ring.

Some time later, the neighbours attacked the kingdom. The King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. The King had to flee on his horse. The enemies were following him. They were getting closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing at the end of the road - that road was not going anywhere. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep.

If he jumped into it, he would be finished...and he could not return because it was a small road...the sound of the enemies' horses was heard. The King became restless. There seemed to be no way out.
Then suddenly he saw the diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. 

The message was "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"

The King read it. And read it again. Suddenly something struck him. Yes! This too will pass. Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the kings. Yet today, the kingdom and all the pleasures have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. But just like those days of luxury have gone, this day of danger too will pass.

A calm came on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his kingdom.
The revelation of the message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and forgot about those following him. After a few minutes he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemies was receding. They had moved to some other part of the mountains and were nowhere near him.

The King was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He defeated the enemies and regained his empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fanfare. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory.

Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being showered on the King from every house and from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment the King said to himself, "I am one of the bravest and greatest kings. It is not easy to defeat me."

But suddenly the diamond in his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He opened it and read it again: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS".

He became silent. His face went through a total change - from the egoist he moved to a state of utter humility.

If this too is going to pass, it is not yours. The defeat was not yours, and the victory is not yours. You are just a watcher. Everything passes by. We are witnesses of all this. We are the perceivers. Life comes and goes. Happiness comes and goes. Sorrow comes and goes.
Now as you read this story, just sit back and evaluate your own life. This too will pass. Think of the moments of joy and victory in your life. Think of the moments of sorrow and defeat. Are they permanent? They all come and pass away.

Life just passes away. There is nothing permanent in this world. Everything changes except the law of change.

Think over it from your own perspective. You have seen all the changes. You have survived all setbacks, all defeats and all sorrows. All have passed away.

The problems in the present, they too will pass away. Because nothing remains forever. Joy and sorrow are two faces of the same coin. They both will pass away.

You are just a witness of change. Experience it, understand it, and enjoy the present moment - for this too shall pass.

1. story :
2. photo :

Tuesday, March 4, 2014

It would be being me

Salam everyone.

My first post in 2014.

 There were times when I ended up here with a lot in mind.

But nothing came out...

Now, there are few things that kept swirling around my mind lately.

From my observation, a lot of people dwell in their own self pity. In my opinion, we can only have an amount of it and when that much exceeds, we ended up blaming others.

and I really don't want to end up like that...

Lately, I always have to remind myself that it's not fair for me to blame others when they don't even know what we're going through.

and this is what I've been going through now... 

After abah passed away, his responsibilities started to become my mom's responsibility and being the second daughter, I feel responsible to share that burden.

It was pretty hard for her when Sakinah, Mundzir and Faqihuddin were still in school (Wahidah is staying at the hostel) and I can't help much except for running some errands for her here and there.
Every morning she had to travel for almost 45 minutes to send Faqihuddin to his school when she could've just spend 15 minutes to her school from our house.
Then, there were Mundzir too in SHAMS. It took another 30 minutes journey to his school. Though he ride with my mother's friend to school but he got many extra class. So my mom ended up picking both Faqihuddin and Mundzir from school.

Now, all of them had graduated high school and Sakinah enters University College Bestari (UCB), Mundzir went to further his studies in Mesir and Faqihuddin is still waiting for his SPM result.

Naturally, I took over Sakinah's matter. Her registration, sending her, picking her up...etc

The same routine, added with all the other responsibilities... Sometimes there were just too much things to handle at once and all demand for perfection.

then, there's the asthma, slight fever and everything too...

and I can't even lie and say that it's okay coz mentally, it's not.

Sometimes I feel a surge of anger towards some people around me...
Towards my other siblings...
Towards my friends who kept teasing (I can take a few but not too much...)
Towards all the judging look
Towards all the thoughtless reminders 

In the end, I let it out to the closest people around me. Most of the times it'll be Sakinah. I have always felt guilty whenever I spoke to her on the phone. Sometimes I ended up regretting all the things that I said because I was always angry when I talked to her. I felt as if she did not try to understand me at all.

and after that, I will regret it because it's not her fault at all. She's merely asking for that much from me hoping that I could fulfill that little request.

It's the same with everyone. Everyone around me is just doing the same.

My mother was just asking for a little of my time to run some errands for her.
My best friends (nad, ctie, dbah, mirah) were just asking for me to provide a little of my time for them.
My youngest sister was just asking for a little of my time to send her to shop.

They didn't even ask for much. 

and I feel sorry for that. For not being able to do much.

and yeah, 3 years after he passed away, it's getting harder. Studies, family, life...

but who am I to complain?

I'm pretty sure some had it rougher than me.

I got a lot of questions (and even some unnecessary 'advise') as to why I keep myself being busy with other activities especially with badamd in ipg when I could've just stayed out of it and be happy with my life.

Some may not even understand even if I explained them.

I may not be as kind as an angel. I may not be as pious as others but at least, with all the things that I did, at least I could answer to Him later in hereafter...

My life is pretty much hectic and asking for others understanding was not my priority anymore. Most of the times, I let them to think however they want.

It's too much of a hassle to think about what they think anyway.

But well, being a girl and all... with all the emotional ups and downs...

 and I'm sorry too for being indifferent towards some people.

because at one point it's getting harder to accept other people in my life due to all the things that happened and that includes my past...

I'm imperfect and that's the fact.

and If there's only one thing that I'm really good at, it would be being me.