Monday, October 29, 2012

'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Life must go on, that's what I felt when I first listened to 'River Flows in You' by Yiruma.

There are many times when I thought that giving up would be the best option.

It's true...

I have always had this thought 'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Somehow, tonight I just feel like writing one of the things that have been hurting me all these while.

Being a JPP, it's not easy. Dang. it's way too hard.

But I took the challenge. Maybe it's because of my promise to Appa. or maybe it's because of the responsibility, or maybe it's just me.

I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

The first meeting, I don't know why I had to choose Entrepreneurship.

Yes. I know many things about this. I thought it would be easy.

but again... I was wrong.

I took a much painful road.

I didn't complain though. because it's my choice. Therefore regret is definitely not what I intended to have.

In the past. the present or even the future.

It was my fault. I just couldn't get along with my partner, the chairman of the bureau of Entrepreneurship.

At the beginning, it was between us and he did ask me to be the chairman instead.

but I refused to. It's due to my respect for a senior, I thought he should be the one instead of me.

It's only my second semester and someone older should lead. That's what I think at that particular time.

so it begin.

We had to find the members for this bureau. I couldn't find anyone who's willing to be the members.

In that haste, I turned to my classmates asking whether they could be the members for my bureau. Asking for their help.

and they all refused. The others (from other classes) either have been a member of a bureau or just don't want to involve in this.

He brought in the members from his class and some of the juniors that he knew.

At the beginning, some of them were involved for some work regarding JPP.

but that's it. Then it's just me... and him.

I still remember this one time where I was blamed for being a short tempered person.

and I was also blamed for my failure to bring in the members from my batch.

but it's okay. All the blames, I swallowed it alone. I can do it.

and I did it. Alone.

It was painful. But it was still bearable.

Because it's not enough to 'kill' me at once.

Not long after that, another task given. Out of stress and tension, I snapped and I broke down.

because again I was questioned with the same question.

I was angry cause I have been asking around for a solution but no one paid attention I guess.

I can accept that. Because it's not their problems. why would one bother about it?

But asking me again and again irritate me.

I was reprimanded for that rather rude action.

Though I don't feel sorry at all, I said sorry.

Day by day, I went through it.

It was a foreign feeling at first but as time passes by I got used to it.

Having to cope with my classmates. They sometimes let out some sharp remarks.

I can bear with it though.

I kept on reminding myself that I was the one who made this choice.

At times, I think some of them think that I'm a fool.

A fool for letting myself involved with all these things.

Working with no benefits given.

I grew distant. Not physically.


In a place full of people, I am alone.

That glass wall was suffocating me.

but I felt somehow comfortable inside it.

I'd cry sometimes. but it's okay.

I have Allah.
I have Allah.
I have Allah.

That's what I told myself over and over again.

For sometimes, I had been living my life telling myself that it was my fault.

All of it.

Maybe it's because of me. Maybe if someone else were to be in that post, then things might have been better.

I tried again and again to understand him.

but I failed.

I thought it's my fault because I can't understand him.

It must be that.

Later, I grew tired of that.

In fact, I'm sick of it!

My mind started to rebel. Why is it only me? Why am I the only person who should try to understand him?

I'm sick of it!

I'm sick of everyone!

I feel like no one ever did try to understand me.

I did it all.

I gritted my teeth and did it all... alone.

I swallow the blame all of the blames thrown... alone.

so why can't anyone see that I'm hurting.

I guess people can't see all the other things that I have to face outside. Other than JPP, other than IPG.

My siblings. My fears.

At least, for now, I am secured.

But what about the others? What about the future?

They haven't passed that stage yet. They are still finding their identities.

What if they happened to slip away? and no one will be there to tell them that it's wrong?

In the past, Appa would always told me 'You'd never understand until you have your own children.'

I guess I don't have to wait for that long now.

It's hard. It's too hard.

Of course, as of now, I still have no regrets.

It's true that it's painful but I shouldn't only look at the dark side.

There were still many colourful memories.

and there were still many people that made me smile and made me feel grateful.

though it's not enough to break the wall, but I am still thankful.

and even if some of them made me feel hurt at one time, there would be the times where they were the ones who made me smile.

Because life is like that.

and human make mistakes.

me included.

In fact, I did more mistakes than others.

and imperfection is one of my traits.

Now, I think I have let it go.

I'm not a vengeful person. At least not anymore.

In fact, I won't bear any resentment towards them for a long time.

I will only treat them with vigilance.

So that I would not make the same mistakes as I did in the past.

To those it may concern, this post was not written as a way to promote myself (since I am already fabulous and awesome enough). I did not write this to vent out my angers. It is merely written for those who wish to understand me and to answer all the questions. 
It is not written to gain any sympathy or to bring down other people.

Extra Notes :

Bureau of Entrepreneurship: Biro Keusahawanan
Vengeful : Seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury:
Resentment : Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
Vigilance : The action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.