Wednesday, March 22, 2017

Don't ever forget me ^^

      Lately I've been here several times and I find it funny how I stopped saying 'Hi' in my last posts. Part of it, might be due to the realization that no one probably read this blog. Haha. I don't mind though. This blog serves more as a diary towards my future self. So, if you accidentally read my posts, then hopefully you'll get something out of it. One thing for sure, I'm going to keep blogging.

          As I went through my older posts, I noticed that for the past 5 years, particularly after my father passed away, I stopped blogging and writing altogether. Up to one point, I only posted an entry once or twice a year. I have to admit, my father's death was probably my most painful turning point. His death changed everything. Honestly, it was so painful and it still is. Even now, I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Life must go on though. Haha. So, don't worry, it'll be okay.

     I read a story several weeks ago. Honestly, that story was not even the best story I read so far but I cried a lot as I read it. It's about a girl who woke up in the hospital with 15 years of her life missing from her memory. She was a totally different person 15 years later as she became ruthless and cold due to the circumstances that she faced during the 15 years. It made me sad partly because I know, I too could be that cold and ruthless one day.

So today I want to tell you, the me in the future, regardless of whatever happens in the future always always always and always see the good in people.

 
For the phoenix to rise from the ashes
One must know the pain
To transform the fire to burning desire.
-Mark Gorkin-

Saturday, March 11, 2017

Whatever will be will be

Que sera sera
Whatever will be will be
The future's not ours to see
Que sera sera
What will be will be

I once was intrigued by the 'Que Sera Sera'. 
In my opinion, it wasn't a sad song and neither a happy one. 
It's a reality. 
A reality that all of us need to understand and face at one point. 

I still remember, I used to get scared whenever there's an exam or whatever because I felt that I didn't have enough preparation. I would always call my late father, expressing my concerns and worries. 

Instead of scolding me for not studying properly (I wasn't serious enough when I did my foundation or tamhidi in USIM), he would always say it's okay. Just go and face it. Whatever the results are, just face it. 

Most of the time, I wasn't confident at all with every decision that I made. In fact I cringe inside whenever I need to make a decision for myself, let alone for others. 

However at one point, you need to realize and understand that whatever will be, will be. I'm a believer and I believed that whatever that I faced, it's my fate. All the hardships that came along are there to make me stronger. 

What doesn't kill you won't kill you. If it did, don't worry, we'll be dead by then and just like that, we no longer have any business with this world. We will move on to another realm beyond our boundary as a living person. 

So, instead of burying ourselves with something so ephemeral like fears and all the scary possibilities, just take that leap of faith and fly. Everything's gonna be okay. 

It will hurt, it will slap you in the face, tear you down until you are left with nothing. 
But, even then, everything's gonna be okay. 

Nothing lasts forever. 

Just like happiness that came to an end, so is sadness. 

p/s: Syakirah, don't worry. Trust me. You're gonna be okay. Just bear with it for a moment. 😄😉

Saturday, February 25, 2017

I'm alive



How would my life be like after 5 years?

      I posed this exact question to myself 5 years ago and this is how the teenage me answered the question...

"Now~ this is something that I like but I also hate this… Kinda ironic huh?
Why I hate this topic?
Simple. Because it’s something in the future.  Something that you’ll never know until you figure it out.
But still,,, I like imagining things of how it would be in the future…"

       Recently, I had a great time browsing down the memory lane after I managed to recover the hard disk from my old laptop. Those who knew me might notice that my laptop was/is my everything. I always have my laptop with me no matter how heavy it was. I did everything using my laptop. Writing, editing, music, reading... and most importantly, it had a huge chunk of my memories.

      After the laptop that I used back in 2009-2011 broke, all the stuff in the hard disk was left untouched. Like a frozen memory, it's stuck, until I recovered them. Honestly, 5 years weren't that long. Everything passes by in a blink but going through those memories made me realize, I am no longer the same person.

      In the frozen memory, I discovered tons of writings. I guess one thing that stayed the same was the only way for me to truly express myself is through writing. When I think back to those days when I battled depression, it's amazing that I even made it here. It's amazing that I could be positive again. It's amazing how I could look in the mirror and smile.

      It's truly amazing that I could truly smile, laugh and cry instead of smiling and crying when I did not feel anything. During those time, like an empty shell, I could not feel anything. It seems surreal sometimes that I once battled depression in the past.

After all these years, I realize one thing,

I'm alive!