Tuesday, January 16, 2018

Of all the hows and the whys #1

I still remember those days when my heart felt so suffocated. I don't like people coming any closer. The closer they get, the higher the walls get. I could literally see that glass wall trapping me inside. When people tried to get closer, my mind would scream 'Don't! Go away!'

So I ended up being alone most of the times. I know a lot of people. People who love me. People who admire me. People who were genuinely concerned about my well being. But I couldn't let them in. I always run away. My guard was up to the max.

To be honest, it was painful. That loneliness that no one could understand. It was so painful. But the pain was familiar, so I felt safe. Behind that wall, I seek comfort in that pain that no one knows about.

It started with a betrayal by a precious friend and it all went downhill. Precious people passed away. My aunt and my father's death left a very deep hole. I was so sad but I had to be strong. I don't have much chances to stop and grief. And that's how it started.

For quite sometimes, I couldn't let people in. I felt overwhelmed. When I love, I love too much. So it struck me so deep when I had to face the loss. So I keep on telling myself, you cannot let anyone in anymore. You won't be able to handle any more losses.

Redha or contentment. That's all I have to do and everything will be okay. It's easy to say but to actually do that, it's hard. It's so hard.

Allah had designed such tests for me that it took years for me to finally understand and embrace them fully without any questions.

I question a lot of things honestly. Why did Allah gave me this test? Why did this happen? How can that happen. Why? Why and Why? And in this pursuit of all the hows and the whys, I continue to grow.

For quite sometimes, my heart was dead. There were times when I would pray to god and asked for a new heart. I was scared of His tests though. So, I asked for an easy life.

Allah, He is Al Jabbar, the one who mends.

One day, He flicked a brand new feeling. Something that I had never felt before. Honestly, it made me feel lost. It made me feel so lost that I had no one, no other place that I can turn to, except Him. That feeling created a new pain. It was so painful. My heart and my mind suddenly get stormy. So I did what I could, I begged for His help. I begged and begged. He didn't answer right away though.

So, I gave up at one point and I run away again. Just like I always did. But, this time, no matter what I did, I couldn't get it off my mind. It's funny and sad at the same time.

So, I turned to Him again. I begged and begged, and one day, He drew my attention to this verse, Al Baqarah, verse 45; And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah ]

Honestly, I still didn't have a definite answer to that particular question. But I got the answers to all my questions before. I got my answers to an almost 8 years worth of questions.

It's true, when I look back, all the puzzles fitted perfectly.
How could it not? The Designer is perfect. (Yasmin Mogahed)

Each time He gave me the tests, He wanted to bring me back to Him. He wanted me to come to him. But I was too proud. I was lost in my own world.

I learned about Him but I didn't truly know Him.
I keep on looking at the creation instead of the Creator.
I mistaken things for the Real thing.
I didn't realize that in my heart, there is a place created by, and for, Him alone.
I didn't fully understand Him, that He is our murabee - the One who raises us with more mercy than a mother raises a child.

May Allah continue to guide me to Jannah. Amin..

Peace doesn't exist outside. It can only exist inside.

And the peace that is on the inside cannot be taken away by anyone. 
No matter what they do, No matter what they say. No matter what they threaten.

If your paradise is in your heart, no one can take it.
-Love and Happiness, Yasmin Mogahed-