End of 2020

Finally... We're at the end of the year. 

2020

And I'm choosing 'At My Worst' by Pink Sweats to be my background song as I write this post.

'I need somebody who can love me at my worst
No, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worth
'Cause it's only you, nobody new, I put you first
And for you, girl, I swear I'll do the worst'

In the beginning of the year, I had so much hope, so much energy, so many things that I wanted to do.

Then we were hit by Covid-19 and everything stops.

I'm nearing the end of my twenties and for a moment, it feels like I achieved nothing worthy.

Yet surprisingly, it feels okay. 

I remember the sense of urgency that I had when I was 25, 26, 27. 

Allah gave us humans different tests at a different pace, different timeline. 

When I was a teenager, I struggled a lot in finding meaning to life. 

In my early twenties, I struggled a lot in letting people in. I struggled a lot to keep my emotions at bay. 

In my attempts to heal myself, I was indifferent to many who tried to get to me. I was selfish.

I had many regrets regarding this. Yet from this, I learned the valuable lesson of Shukr or gratitude. 

Then as I hit 25, I feel like time started to move really fast. I couldn't catch up.

From then on, Allah has been teaching me about Sabr or patience. 

He with His infinite mercy taught me that no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I pushed myself, I alone wasn't enough. 

I'm learning to patiently walk through the process while giving my all. 

I'm always impatient. That is one of my bad qualities. 

Even when I'm sick, I wanted to heal fast. So I'd diligently eat my medicine, eat nutritious food and get frustrated when I didn't heal fast enough. 

It's the same with other things. I'd put my best effort, push myself to the limits then get frustrated when it can't be completed as fast as possible. 

There are many things that is way beyond our capabilities and I'm learning to tolerate that. 

I'm learning to be patient with myself. I'm learning to be patient with everything around me. 

Again and again, I have to remind myself that I'm walking through my own path and I'll walk this path with confidence and grace.

And in Allah we put our trust. 

 لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِٱللَّٰهِ ٱلْعَلِيِّ ٱلْعَظِيمِ

There is no power nor strength except in Allah, the Lofty, the Great

May Allah ease

Amin