I have a habit. Whenever my heart feels heavy, whenever it gets hard, I would always read what I wrote again and again.
It's not a really odd habit anyway. Compared to others, I'm actually very sensitive and it's easy for me to get overwhelmed. And I noticed that people like me tend to write a lot. We express ourselves through writing. Reading and writing keep our thoughts organized. It helps us stay sane. In some cases, it even saves us.
As I was reading my post on January 16, 2018, something suddenly struck me. The reason why it took me so long to really understand 'Redha', the reason why it took me so long to really 'let go' of Abah's death is because I used to pray to Allah,
'No more. Please don't test me anymore. I couldn't take it anymore.'
So He gave me seven years. Seven years of break before He gave me another test.
Alhamdulillah. He broke me down to lift me up. Allah has been really kind to me. He gave me a test to lift all my woes and sorrows. Abah used to be my pillar of strength. I didn't see that beyond Abah, there's his Creator that is supposed to be my pillar of strength.
Allah is Al Jabbar, the One who mends everything.
He wouldn't give us anything without reason. So here's another story.
This person came to me when I was dealing with another winter. This person was different than the others. Many couldn't handle me let alone control me. Yet the way this person handled my emotions surprised me every single time. I fascinate him in some ways. And his ways of dealing with things especially my ups and downs fascinate me. For the first time ever, I saw someone worthy to lean on. I saw someone that I could really trust.
After dealing with my first heartbreak, I realized that I shouldn't dwell much on superficial love. Why should I waste my time on someone who isn't going to be my husband? After istikharah and consulting my brother, I gave it a shot. I proposed to this person. I gave this person 2 weeks and I waited a month for his answer. Yet it never came. From my brother's point of view, this is understood as a rejection.
So, I pulled away. I withdraw my proposal. At that moment, I should have stopped. Yet I didn't. I couldn't let him go. That was my mistake. Without him ever realized I shoved my heart in his hand. Up to one point, he controlled my emotions. I knew that I had to cut him off. I knew that I had to let him go but I couldn't do it. It hurts a lot but cutting him off, pained me more so I couldn't bring myself to do it.
One day, for one stupid reason, I snapped at him. It was probably too much for him. The real me was probably too difficult to deal with. He did what today's modern world called 'ghosting'. He 'ghosted' me which I should say a really effective way to end everything.
I always thought that I would be the one to cut him off. But turns out, he did which is probably better. It hurts. I couldn't write here how it hurts. I can only say that it made me questioned my self worth.
Now that I truly think about it, he probably doesn't feel the same way like me.
This is what they all warned me about.
They know how sensitive I am and how deep I feel for things. They warned me to not let me fall deeper for him.
But I did anyway. I was convinced that I wouldn't break as much as they think I'd be.
I already know how it would hurt but experiencing it was truly an eye opener...
The hurt that I felt showed that I fell for him way way way deeper than I thought.
In a way, he won and I lose.
I lose against him. The scar that I got would be his trophy.
That's one way to look at it.
Yet when I think about it deeper, I wasn't exactly losing.
The fact is, what do I have to lose?
I like him.
I confessed.
I tried everything I could to 'chase' him.
I didn't hide anything from him.
I didn't play any games.
I told him how I feel every single time and even ask him to marry me.
Fact is, I did my best.
But my best wasn't enough for him.
To say that I've moved on would be a total bullshit.
I didn't move on.
I can't move on.
No. Not yet.
But, there will be no more effort.
No more.
I couldn't break my heart any more than this for a man who has no ties to me.
As I dealt with this heartbreak in silence, a thought always lingered in my head. It's something that I read long ago. "What would you say to your daughter if one day she came to you and cried saying that a man broke her heart?" And I immediately have my answer.
InsyaAllah, one day I will get over him.
Do I hate him?
The first time it dawned to me that he is suddenly ignoring me, he abandoned me without any explanation, yes I did hate him.
How could he do this to me?
But as I prayed in my doa, I prayed to Allah that he wouldn't feel the hurt that I felt.
I'd rather be the one in pain than knowing he is in pain.
Because knowing that he is in pain, would break my heart way more.
I wasn't being kind to him.
I'm being kind to myself.
I'm being kind to my soul.
Because I don't need more hatred.
I won't hate him.
Fact is, I can't hate him.
It's not even his fault.
The choice to fall for him is mine.
So it's not right for me to hate him for my own feeling.
I should be responsible for my own feeling.
Will I give him another chance?
Yes. But I won't give effort to build this relationship anymore.
He would remain a friend nevertheless.
Just like any other friend.
He still got a chance. Only difference is, he used to be very exclusive. He used to be my focus.
But now, I don't view him like that anymore.
I'm reserving my focus and attention for my don't-know-where future husband.
I can't waste my energy anymore.
What did I learn from this?
1. Trust Allah
2. Your worth does not depend on others.
3. Take your time to heal but don't take too long.
4. Don't dwell on superficial things.
5. Don't hesitate. Be true to yourself.
Allah is the most Knowing.
Inna ma'al 'usri yusra. Fainna ma'al 'usri yusra.
Verily, with every hardship is relief.
Verily, with every hardship is relief.
Nursyakirah, don't dwell too much in the moment.
Nursyakirah, remember that Jannah is our aim.
May Allah guide us.
Aminnn.
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