End of 2020

Finally... We're at the end of the year. 

2020

And I'm choosing 'At My Worst' by Pink Sweats to be my background song as I write this post.

'I need somebody who can love me at my worst
No, I'm not perfect, but I hope you see my worth
'Cause it's only you, nobody new, I put you first
And for you, girl, I swear I'll do the worst'

In the beginning of the year, I had so much hope, so much energy, so many things that I wanted to do.

Then we were hit by Covid-19 and everything stops.

I'm nearing the end of my twenties and for a moment, it feels like I achieved nothing worthy.

Yet surprisingly, it feels okay. 

I remember the sense of urgency that I had when I was 25, 26, 27. 

Allah gave us humans different tests at a different pace, different timeline. 

When I was a teenager, I struggled a lot in finding meaning to life. 

In my early twenties, I struggled a lot in letting people in. I struggled a lot to keep my emotions at bay. 

In my attempts to heal myself, I was indifferent to many who tried to get to me. I was selfish.

I had many regrets regarding this. Yet from this, I learned the valuable lesson of Shukr or gratitude. 

Then as I hit 25, I feel like time started to move really fast. I couldn't catch up.

From then on, Allah has been teaching me about Sabr or patience. 

He with His infinite mercy taught me that no matter how hard I try, no matter how hard I pushed myself, I alone wasn't enough. 

I'm learning to patiently walk through the process while giving my all. 

I'm always impatient. That is one of my bad qualities. 

Even when I'm sick, I wanted to heal fast. So I'd diligently eat my medicine, eat nutritious food and get frustrated when I didn't heal fast enough. 

It's the same with other things. I'd put my best effort, push myself to the limits then get frustrated when it can't be completed as fast as possible. 

There are many things that is way beyond our capabilities and I'm learning to tolerate that. 

I'm learning to be patient with myself. I'm learning to be patient with everything around me. 

Again and again, I have to remind myself that I'm walking through my own path and I'll walk this path with confidence and grace.

And in Allah we put our trust. 

 لَا حَوْلَ وَلَا قُوَّةَ إِلَّا بِٱللَّٰهِ ٱلْعَلِيِّ ٱلْعَظِيمِ

There is no power nor strength except in Allah, the Lofty, the Great

May Allah ease

Amin

 

 

This Moment

 

Remember this moment.

Remember the things that you went through.

Remember the people who stayed with you through thick and thin.

Remember the pain that you had to embrace.

Remember the tears that you shed silently.

Remember this moment.

 Never ever forget this moment.

Rest in Peace Kak Gjue

 

 

“The shattering of a heart when being broken is the loudest quiet ever.”
― Carroll Bryant 

 

Choices

Sometimes, it struck me out of the blue.

Did I really make the best choice?

What if I made a wrong choice? 

What if... I lose the chance to gain something better just because I made this choice?

But then again aren't I a believer? I believe in Allah.

If Allah wills it to happen, It will happen and vice versa.

Then, we don't have to put in any effort? Just sit back and let fate runs its course?

 أَحَسِبَ النَّاسُ أَن يُتْرَكُوا أَن يَقُولُوا آمَنَّا وَهُمْ لَا يُفْتَنُونَ

Do people reckon that they will be left (to themselves at ease) on their mere saying, "We believe," and will not be put to a test? 

Al-Ankabut, 29:2 

Za'ba wrote in his book 'Takdir', there is no good fate or bad fate. Imam Al-Ghazali also wrote similar things.

The good or the bad came from how we react to the courses of events that we went through in our life. 

When we go through something big, something heartbreaking, something that could rip us apart, it's much easier to put up a wall, let the wound remained untouched, turn it into a blaming game. We tend to blame others or worse, blame ourselves. 

Yet we forgot. Aside from us, aside from the others around us, aside from whatever that weighing us down, there is Allah The Most Merciful, The True and Ultimate King, The Ultimate Judge.

On the day of judgment, we will be judged on how we lived our life, according to the best abilities bestowed upon us.

The poor and the rich... do you think they would go through the same course of judgment?

Embrace the Pain

 

You're doing great syasya. 

Keep standing tall. 

This too shall pass. 😊

Merdeka

Bye summer. 

Hello winter. 

Seems like you'll be here for a long time. 

Syasya, brace yourself, it's gonna be a very long winter.

🙂

-Words I Couldn't Say, 31st August 2020, Merdeka-

15 years of friendship

Let the pictures speak

 

💗

Stuck

He left on 4 October 2011, 7.00a.m. 

8 October 2011, I changed my FB profile picture and used it until today. 

I was in deep heartache and grief. 

It took me 7 years to understand my grief. 

It took me 7 years to let go and make peace with myself. 

It took me 7 years to wholeheartedly accept what that has been decreed by the Almighty or in other words, 'Redha'. 

So perhaps my life was stuck. 

Stuck on the day I entered the emergency room and saw him lifelessly lying on the bed.

What Hurts Most

 You know what hurts most?

When the person you love the most, accuse you with sharp words, sharper than the sharpest knife. 

When the person who is supposed to trust you, turn his/her back on you.

When you are always the second choice. 

When no matter how hard you try, you are never going to be someone's choice. 

Words hurt. Even after 20 years.

Words I Couldn't Say, 6th August 2020

2020 Raya Celebration

 

Happy Birthday Along! I'm glad you could celebrate your birthday and raya at home.