New semester, New start

Coming back to Nilai, I was literally dead when I arrived at my so called lovely dorm... ermm... more like house actually... lol... It's already the 2nd day we're starting the 2nd semester. I was quite shocked hearing the number of students eliminated and here I thought it's only me couldn't really follow the flow.

We, the science tech students were divided into 3 now. Truthfully, this 2nd semester seemed to be somewhat 'dry'... I don't know, but I don't really sense the passion. well, maybe the fact that we're dividing into three or something.

Maybe I should continue watching this scene... Given that there might be any interesting scene in the future... lol...

"Never stop believing for it's the source of ur strength"

That's what I put on my desktop... somehow I felt how ironic... I always have this kind of battle inside my brain. Sometimes I felt that there's no use in hoping when I, in the first place never initiate everything. I mean it felt somehow ridiculous. Not giving enough and then hoping for something in return when you, in the first place neglect everything.

Well, it seemed like I had already activated the sarcastic side of me again... Better be careful coz this side of me actually have had enough caring for others so instead it became somewhat... sarcastic.. lol...

I'm still hoping that those who had been eliminated would be back... Well, let's pray for them then...

Anyway, new semester, new start! Let's work towards our goal or dream!

Even if it means 'die'

lol...^^

Till then,

Bye!

Dont cry anymore...

Entah...
Tak dapat pikir pape pun skrg...
Bukan,
sebetulnya, terlalu banyak yang bermain dalam fikiran sekarang...

Melayu? English? Mandarin? Hangul?
Nak gune bhs ape utk describe semua ni?

Lepas bce N3 kat blog Kak Kiah.... Finally, I had the gut to accept it... to admit it... that, she's already gone...

Tapi, kenapa baru start tulis N3 ni, aku tetibe rase lain?

Sedih?

No... It can't be sad... Sebab pengakhiran dia disini adalah permulaan kehidupan dia yang bahagia di sana...

But, why does this tears won't stop flowing???

*********************

That day, 5.30a.m... Aku tibe2 terbangun... Ada orang call? Rumahku syurgaku? Mata masih dalam keadaan separuh terbuka bile aku angkat call...

"Assalamualaikum. Kak ngah, mak nak bagitau ni... Mak Su dah tak de... Mak akan gi KL pg ni dengan flight..."

Innalillah... Aku msih mneruskn perbualan ringkas ngan mak. Bgtau dia, ak ade exam BI n BA hari ni... Mak kate, tak payah la datang...

Beep... Talian diputuskan...

Funny how I refused to admit it. I stood and went out of the room. Hanya ade Hajar kt luar. Nak bgtau ke tak? Tapi, mulut aku terkunci... It really felt like there was a large lump in my throat...

Msuk ke bilik pikah n dbah utk gosok baju... Lampu tak buke... Slowly, the tears flowed. My lips formed a small smile in that dark room... can't let others saw it... I just wanted to be alone...

Lepas gosok baju, masuk dalam bilik. Langsung tak cakap ape2 kat umi n hajar. Baring atas katil n selubung dgn comforter... and the tears flowed again... wanting to sleep... hoping that when I woke up, it's just a nightmare...

6.30 pg... bangun lg... Rupenye tu adlh realiti...

Dalam bas, duduk tepi Hajar... Tapi, tak nak ckp ape2... Cume tersnyum pahit jer bile Hajar cakap... Nak bagitau... Tapi, kate2 tu tak mmpu keluar... Hajar, Mak su aku da tak de... tapi, ia tetap tak keluar...

Sampai kat stadium nilai... aku tepuk Hajar... "Aku nak bagitau something... nanti aku msg"... Tapi, bazir kredit jer... so, aku terus taip. Tangan terketar sikit... then, pass kat Hajar...

Hajar, Mak su ak da tak de

Dia terus pandang aku lepas dia bace. "Iye ker? Innalillah... Bile?"

"5.30 pg td..." ak ketap bibir. Air mate b'tkung lagi kt mate... Ak senyum kat dier... n berpaling utk keluar... nampak ctie...

aku tak nak orang lain nampak aku nangis... aku tak biase... ak tak suke... mungkin aku ego... Tapi, air mata ni jela yang aku ada dari dulu lagi everytime I'm depressed..

coz tears are human's weakness... and I refused to accept sympathy from others... I don't need others coz I know, I have Allah...

then, aku msg ctie...

kuar kejap, aku ada kat luar...

tak lame lepas tu, die kuar. aku diam jer. Taip lagi kat hp, then pass kat ctie...

"Innalillah... bile?"

"Pagi tadi... mak aku call..." and finally, I cried freely... but still controlling it... afraid that it would catch others' attention...

I already taught myself not to let others see my tears... It's a vow...

But... of course ctie is a different case...

Lepas, BI, petang... aku keluar awal... sorang jer... then I walked to the quite isolated place... but not too far away...

There, I look up at the sky... Talking to myself... hoping that she could hear me...

jenazah dah ditanam mase tu... aku tau... coz, sebelum tu abah call...

Ak senyum lagi... Air mata mengalir lagi... murahnye air mata aku saat tu...

Cepatnyer mase berlalu...

Teringat bile mak su datang umh...
mak su selalu gaduh ngan din... sbb din nakal... tak dengar cakap mak... mak su marah...
mak su anyam sesuatu gune tali... Dia kate tu ikan paus...
mak su selalu gune bedak echanteur... warne kuning...
mak su suke nyanyi... "Padi la padi... sayang ku sayang..." bunyinye lebih kurang cmtu la...
bile mak su nak tengok drama melayu, confirm mak tak marah... (mak mrh ktorg tgk drama2...)

Bile kitorg sampai umh mak cik esah, dia la org pertama yg kami nmpk...

Tapi, tu dulu...

Bile aku tau mak su kene kanser, aku tak kate ape2... tapi, aku sangat sedih... takut suatu hari dia akan betul2 tinggalkn kami...

tapi, pengakhiran dia disini, adalah permulaan dia disana... aku patut hepi kn?

Mak su tak ada dosa... Mungkin sekarang mak su dah jumpe ngan adik Madihah... kan? Ak selalu senyum bile fikir tu... Mak su n adik Madihah dah ada kat syurga sekarang...

Bile aku melwat mak su, tiap2 kali, aku harap sangat dia tak lupe aku...

Dia tak pernah lupe...

Dia panggil aku kak ngah...

Dia tahu...

Mase kat ICU, aku masuk sorang2... Tengok tangan dia ada banyak wayar. Aku nak dia sembuh...

Aku tau dia sakit...

Hari last aku jumpe dia, sebelum minggu study... dia nangis... kate nak balik...

dia kenal kami semua... aku, along, k.chah, k.eda, Mak long yah... aku tak tau nak buat ape bile dia nangis...

aku tau... dia sakit... n aku tak nak dia sakit...

***********************
Pagi sabtu baru2 ni... mase aku baru sampai terengganu...

mak cakap... dia cam dengar suara mak su... suara mak su mengaji...
mak ketawa pahit... dia kate dia tahu mak su memang la tak pandai mengaji... tapi, dia cam terdengar je... suara tu...

aku tau mak rindu kat mak su... satu2nye adik dier...
dulu, mak selalu cakap, dia nak suruh mak su datang cnie... dia nak jage mak su...
dia tak punye peluang yang banyak untuk jage mak su...
aku tau dia rindu mak su...

Dahla...

Don't cry anymore...

Mereka yang dah pergi nampak kite menangis...

Therefore, Let's not cry anymore...