Keep going

At the age of 24, I begged 'Time, can you please slow down?"

At the age of 27, I learned to accept things just as it is.

It's been around plus minus 10 years since I start blogging. I made a promise to myself once to blog more but I guess I couldn't. Many of those entries remained as a draft.

After 10 years, I don't think anyone is going to read this anymore.
I used to crave for people's attention, people's acceptance really bad that I hurt myself along the way.

I thought, after years, I no longer really care about those anymore.
But, truth is, I still care.
At times, when it hit me, it'll hit me really bad.
I'm just good at controlling my response better. I'm just getting better at arguing with the demons.

I started my weight loss journey a month ago. So far, I've lost 6 kg. I'm planning to lose 60 kg from my original weight.

Honestly, what I'm doing today will change me many months or perhaps years later. I'll change physically and most importantly, I'll change mentally.

I knew this choice would break me again and again. It’ll stripped all my trust and left me vulnerable. So in order to protect myself I’ll build another wall yet again. I'll wear another piece of mask again. I don't know how but I know, I'll break free again. I wish I could.

I wish people around me could understand. But I don't think they could. Honestly, I couldn't even bring myself to write, let alone speak about it.

But just know that in order for me to do this, it took me a great deal of courage.

I know it's gonna be painful.
I know it's gonna be so lonely.
I know it's gonna hurt.

But even then, keep going Nursyakirah.
Keep going!

Of all the hows and the whys #1

I still remember those days when my heart felt so suffocated. I don't like people coming any closer. The closer they get, the higher the walls get. I could literally see that glass wall trapping me inside. When people tried to get closer, my mind would scream 'Don't! Go away!'

So I ended up being alone most of the times. I know a lot of people. People who love me. People who admire me. People who were genuinely concerned about my well being. But I couldn't let them in. I always run away. My guard was up to the max.

To be honest, it was painful. That loneliness that no one could understand. It was so painful. But the pain was familiar, so I felt safe. Behind that wall, I seek comfort in that pain that no one knows about.

It started with a betrayal by a precious friend and it all went downhill. Precious people passed away. My aunt and my father's death left a very deep hole. I was so sad but I had to be strong. I don't have much chances to stop and grief. And that's how it started.

For quite sometimes, I couldn't let people in. I felt overwhelmed. When I love, I love too much. So it struck me so deep when I had to face the loss. So I keep on telling myself, you cannot let anyone in anymore. You won't be able to handle any more losses.

Redha or contentment. That's all I have to do and everything will be okay. It's easy to say but to actually do that, it's hard. It's so hard.

Allah had designed such tests for me that it took years for me to finally understand and embrace them fully without any questions.

I question a lot of things honestly. Why did Allah gave me this test? Why did this happen? How can that happen. Why? Why and Why? And in this pursuit of all the hows and the whys, I continue to grow.

For quite sometimes, my heart was dead. There were times when I would pray to god and asked for a new heart. I was scared of His tests though. So, I asked for an easy life.

Allah, He is Al Jabbar, the one who mends.

One day, He flicked a brand new feeling. Something that I had never felt before. Honestly, it made me feel lost. It made me feel so lost that I had no one, no other place that I can turn to, except Him. That feeling created a new pain. It was so painful. My heart and my mind suddenly get stormy. So I did what I could, I begged for His help. I begged and begged. He didn't answer right away though.

So, I gave up at one point and I run away again. Just like I always did. But, this time, no matter what I did, I couldn't get it off my mind. It's funny and sad at the same time.

So, I turned to Him again. I begged and begged, and one day, He drew my attention to this verse, Al Baqarah, verse 45; And seek help through patience and prayer, and indeed, it is difficult except for the humbly submissive [to Allah ]

Honestly, I still didn't have a definite answer to that particular question. But I got the answers to all my questions before. I got my answers to an almost 8 years worth of questions.

It's true, when I look back, all the puzzles fitted perfectly.
How could it not? The Designer is perfect. (Yasmin Mogahed)

Each time He gave me the tests, He wanted to bring me back to Him. He wanted me to come to him. But I was too proud. I was lost in my own world.

I learned about Him but I didn't truly know Him.
I keep on looking at the creation instead of the Creator.
I mistaken things for the Real thing.
I didn't realize that in my heart, there is a place created by, and for, Him alone.
I didn't fully understand Him, that He is our murabee - the One who raises us with more mercy than a mother raises a child.

May Allah continue to guide me to Jannah. Amin..

Peace doesn't exist outside. It can only exist inside.

And the peace that is on the inside cannot be taken away by anyone. 

No matter what they do, No matter what they say. No matter what they threaten.

If your paradise is in your heart, no one can take it.

-Love and Happiness, Yasmin Mogahed- 

 

2017

          I couldn't find a better title to define this post other than 2017. This post is going to be a really long post so if you're not interested in my life, I would suggest you watching videos on Youtube. Like the video when cats got drowned in catnip. hahaha.

          2017 and I'm 25 years old. Time flies real fast. I used to want to grow up quickly because I wanted to do things on my own. I wanted to be what I want to be... But adults' world is not all that fun. When I realized that, I've already grown and just like that, I have to suck it up and live.

          I started working this year. To be exact, I started working on 2nd May 2017 in Kuala Lumpur. Actually, I resented the idea of working in KL. I resented it so much that for months, I had no desire to acknowledge that KL now is my home. In my mind, anywhere else is fine but not KL. I guess God has His own reasons sending me there. Now, after almost 8 months, I started to acknowledge KL as my home.

          Few months before that, I wanted to leave. I wanted to go far away because it's suffocating. Many didn't know this, but at times, I felt suffocated... I felt like a caged bird. I felt like I didn't have any freedom to do what I want. Sometimes, I question myself, why did I felt so when my mother actually love me so much. She loves me more than anything but why on earth do I feel so. I thought about this for a very long time. Honestly, I still don't have the exact answer.

          Perhaps, it's love. Perhaps it's me. I'm not sure. There's one thing I'm sure though, I love my mother so much that in the end, all of those, did not matter much. Perhaps, one day, when I have a child of my own, I would understand that. At times, I do wonder, how can a woman give everything up for her child. But then, even if I know it, I could never truly understand it because I've never experienced it yet.

           Now that I started writing this, I realized that I rarely mentioned 'The Siblings' in this blog. In the first place, I didn't really write entries in this blog. So that's probably why they weren't mentioned much. They're one of my closest friends in IPG until now. Technically, there are 7 of us. Afif, Nazmi, Sabrina, Ife, Aini, Linda and me. After IPG, we get posted in different states. Afif, Sabrina and me in KL. Nazmi in Johor. Aini and Linda in Kuantan and Ife in Malacca. 

          Naturally, Afif, Sabrina and me stick together. Honestly, I didn't know about the future but I think the 7 of us wouldn't probably last as 7. We might start as 7, but to remain 7, it would take understanding, tolerance and commitment from each one of us. I know, they would probably feel sad if they read this. They would probably even hate me. Anyway, let the future decides for us. Whatever happen though, they each had a special place in my heart. Places that would probably last a lifetime.

            As of now, I'm good. Everything's good. 

I'm alive

How would my life be like after 5 years?

      I posed this exact question to myself 5 years ago and this is how the teenage me answered the question...

"Now~ this is something that I like but I also hate this… Kinda ironic huh?

Why I hate this topic?

Simple. Because it’s something in the future.  Something that you’ll never know until you figure it out.

But still,,, I like imagining things of how it would be in the future…"

       Recently, I had a great time browsing down the memory lane after I managed to recover the hard disk from my old laptop. Those who knew me might notice that my laptop was/is my everything. I always have my laptop with me no matter how heavy it was. I did everything using my laptop. Writing, editing, music, reading... and most importantly, it had a huge chunk of my memories.

      After the laptop that I used back in 2009-2011 broke, all the stuff in the hard disk was left untouched. Like a frozen memory, it's stuck, until I recovered them. Honestly, 5 years weren't that long. Everything passes by in a blink but going through those memories made me realize, I am no longer the same person.

      In the frozen memory, I discovered tons of writings. I guess one thing that stayed the same was the only way for me to truly express myself is through writing. When I think back to those days when I battled depression, it's amazing that I even made it here. It's amazing that I could be positive again. It's amazing how I could look in the mirror and smile.

      It's truly amazing that I could truly smile, laugh and cry instead of smiling and crying when I did not feel anything. During those time, like an empty shell, I could not feel anything. It seems surreal sometimes that I once battled depression in the past.

After all these years, I realize one thing,

I'm alive!

#1 The selfish me

24 years old. Wow! Time flies fast. Once upon a time, I wish time would fly faster. I wish I would grow up faster.

But now, I keep on thinking, 'Time, can you please slow down?'

5 years ago, I came to IPG with a very thick imaginary wall around me. Funny. I still remember the day I left USIM.

I was hurt. Heartbroken. I hate myself for loving too much.

I think I could talk about that now without feeling anything anymore. :-)

Five years ago, around April or May 2011, I was accused of lying. Deceitful, Two-faced whatever that is.

Without knowing anything, I smiled and greeted everyone. I still remember the disgusted faces, the accusing eyes. I just brushed it off at first. Not knowing anything.

Then hell broke loose. My roommate called me on the same day asking what did I do. Apparently, another roommate of mine (she's in the same course with me) suddenly said something weird.

The exact word she said "Saya tahu kenapa. Dia menipu." I was dumbfounded. The words kept on ringing in my head. Honestly, even until now, I could still remember that.

Why? What happened? What did I do?

Then I got to know, people were talking behind my back. They said that I was a two-faced bitch. That I lied to the lecturer.

Funny. No one asked me what actually happened.

Everyone wanted to save their sorry asses. lol.

So here's what happened back then.

We were having a drama competition as part of our coursework. The night before the performance, someone broke into the hall. Three tutorial groups including mine were involved. That night, there was a power outage in that hall. I did not know anything at first. We were the last group to arrive at the hall that night and not everyone in my group were there. Only then I knew, that someone broke into the hall. That we were not authorized to use the hall.

I was one of the first to be called by the lecturer as I was the director for my group's drama committee. I explained what happened to my lecturer and I agreed to take responsibility because I was there. But I disagree that my group members should take the responsibility because we were the last that reached the hall and not even half of my group members were there. Therefore, only I alone should receive the consequence because I instructed them to go there.

I apologized to my lecturer and said that I would accept any punishment. After the competition ended (or was it before that?) my lecturer once again called the leaders to the front and talked to us. It was all good until I said something at the end. I guess it sounded wrong to the others. I apologized and once again I said that my group members were innocent.

The others did not know anything. They immediately assumed that I did not want to take any responsibility. I guess they were scared back then. We were young and there were chances that we could be expelled. So that's it. Because of that 5 seconds, I was judged. Again. No one asked me.

I guess at that time, even my group members doubted me. There were those that believe in me. I was thankful I really am. Because I really did break back then. There were only so much I could handle. That time, It hadn't even been a year since I got out from depression. Falling back would be scary. That time, It hadn't even been a year since I erased all the suicidal thoughts. Therefore I was really grateful for having them behind me. My group members, Mariah, Dely, Syera, Ama, my roommates Hajar and Umi, and my best friend Ctie.

I think what hurts me the most was not those people. I did not really know them. We were just acquaintances (There were more than 300 students in my course).

What hurts me the most was the fact that the person that I love doubted me. What hurts me the most was the fact that she never asked me. Yes. My roommate. I really love her. I really did.

I guess it was one sided back then. :-)

For a very long time I did not talk to her, I could not even look at her. Not because I hated her.
But because I would cry if I even look into her eyes.

No. I could not hate her even when I tried.

I was heartbroken. So wrecked. In fact, it still hurts. :-)

I met the person again after years.

At first I hesitated a lot whether I should greet her or not.

A part of me, the childish me was angry that even back then, I never heard her saying 'I'm sorry'. But I was glad I suppressed that part of me and greeted her.

The moment I greeted her, I finally let go.

If I really love, I should have love without expecting love in return.

I guess I was too selfish back then. :-)

Dear you,
I'm sorry for hurting you, 
I'm sorry for everything that I did,
I'm sorry I could not be enough,
I'm really sorry for everything,
and thank you.
Thank you for being a part of my life. 
I wish you all the best. 
You'll always be in my prayer. 

End of Semester 4

It's the end of another semester. Time passes by real fast. It has been 3 years since I left USIM and entered IPG. So yeah... I'm in semester 4. The end of semester 4.

and again, I have to go through the examination. 3 papers this semester. As much as I don't want to admit it, I am actually really scared. 

Scared that I would do badly in the exam. 

Honestly, after I flunked my result in the 1st semester degree, I had lose all the confidence. lol~

I guess that's what I got for being too confident. Like Eminem said, when you get too huge, you need to shrink.

So that's pretty much what happened. Now, I feel so pathetic. You pathetic human being!

Well, for the time being, let's just be positive shall we?

"The World is three days: As for yesterday, it has vanished, along with all that was in it. As for tomorrow, you may never see it. As for today, it is yours, so work in it."

 - Hassan al Basri -

 *****

So, let's work hard together! ^^

All the best everyone!

 and...

Good Luck to my beloved 'siblings'!

Don't worry, it'll pass ^^

Often I would laugh at myself.

Why?

because I kept telling others to stay positive by being grateful but every once in a while, I'll be drowned in my own insufficiencies again. Dealing with it is harsh experience. Too much and you can go straight to depression.

and speaking of depression, these past months, I have learned a lot about this. 

I always thought that I had passed through the time I'd refer as 'The Darkest Part' of my life. 

but as time goes by, I would always fall. Succumbing to my own anger, dissatisfaction, fears, grief and all the negative emotions in the world. 

and it's back to square one. That feeling as if you're running in circles or the feeling of being sucked in by a force. You struggle to go out, but it's not enough.

The negativity, it would always linger around and when there is an opening, it'll strike. 

I realized this long ago but it didn't really dawned to me that I'd be depressed again until my sister told me something about mental disorders.
The words that struck me was 'It can be treated, but not cured'.

and that is why I felt what I was feeling and the only reason i didn't fell as deep as before is because I stood my ground and fight it. I know I never want to go through those time again.

but chances are always there. so managing it would be the best. There are a lot of ways but I chose to keep myself in check with the 'Living With Depression' newsletter from Everyday Health and yes, I learned a lot.

It might not be much, but as I read the articles, I would always be reminded that 
I am not the only one that have to go through this.

and so I decided to share this one story. I found this story when I was going through a hard time one month ago. 

It was hard and everything just went wrong. and I hated myself so much.

so much that it became unbearable.

I hope this story would inspire someone just as it did to me.

```````````````````````````````````````
This too shall pass!

Once a king called upon all of his wise men and asked them, "Is there a mantra or suggestion which works in every situation, in every circumstance, in every place and in every time. In every joy, every sorrow, every defeat and every victory? One answer for all questions? Something that can help me when none of you is available to advise me? Tell me, is there any mantra?"
 
All the wise men were puzzled by the King's question. They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something that appealed to all of them. They went to the king and gave him something written on paper, with a condition that the king was not to see it out of curiosity.
Only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then can he see it. The King put the paper under his huge diamond ring.
 
Some time later, the neighbours attacked the kingdom. The King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. The King had to flee on his horse. The enemies were following him. They were getting closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing at the end of the road - that road was not going anywhere. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep.
 
If he jumped into it, he would be finished...and he could not return because it was a small road...the sound of the enemies' horses was heard. The King became restless. There seemed to be no way out.
Then suddenly he saw the diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. 

The message was "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
 
The King read it. And read it again. Suddenly something struck him. Yes! This too will pass. Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the kings. Yet today, the kingdom and all the pleasures have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. But just like those days of luxury have gone, this day of danger too will pass.
 
A calm came on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his kingdom.
The revelation of the message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and forgot about those following him. After a few minutes he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemies was receding. They had moved to some other part of the mountains and were nowhere near him.
 
The King was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He defeated the enemies and regained his empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fanfare. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory.
 
Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being showered on the King from every house and from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment the King said to himself, "I am one of the bravest and greatest kings. It is not easy to defeat me."
 
But suddenly the diamond in his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He opened it and read it again: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS".
 
He became silent. His face went through a total change - from the egoist he moved to a state of utter humility.
 
If this too is going to pass, it is not yours. The defeat was not yours, and the victory is not yours. You are just a watcher. Everything passes by. We are witnesses of all this. We are the perceivers. Life comes and goes. Happiness comes and goes. Sorrow comes and goes.
Now as you read this story, just sit back and evaluate your own life. This too will pass. Think of the moments of joy and victory in your life. Think of the moments of sorrow and defeat. Are they permanent? They all come and pass away.
 
Life just passes away. There is nothing permanent in this world. Everything changes except the law of change.
 
Think over it from your own perspective. You have seen all the changes. You have survived all setbacks, all defeats and all sorrows. All have passed away.
 
The problems in the present, they too will pass away. Because nothing remains forever. Joy and sorrow are two faces of the same coin. They both will pass away.
 
You are just a witness of change. Experience it, understand it, and enjoy the present moment - for this too shall pass.
`````````````````````````````````````

credits; 
1. story : www.citehr.com
2. photo : nazann.wordpress.com

Nur Wahidah Kamilah

The first update for this year and it's already the end of semester...

Way to go sya'ak... -_-"

Actually, I hadn't been writing much lately.

Well, maybe a few here and there but not much really.

Tonight, it's really out of sudden. but I think I'm missing my youngest sister.

Nur Wahidah Kamilah...

There's not much that we could talk about when I'm with her cause we just despise repel each other so much... >_<

I think she'll die out of embarrassment if she read this post in the future... lol~

For a starter, we don't have that good relationship ever since from the beginning.

I think I'm not that good in expressing my love towards others.

I'm not that good with words (talking) either whenever I want to express my feelings. I can only write it out. That's why a counselor asked me to write everything I felt if I'm stressed.

My siblings don't really liked me. Even as a child, Sakinah used to hate me so much. Along too...
I'm not sure about the boys (Mundzir and Dudin) but I guess, they too feel annoyed with me.

It's kinda funny whenever I think about it now.

As a child, I wanna be understood. But no one seems to be able to do that.

I guess I was selfish...

Now, I'm in a very good term with Along and Sakinah (minus the sudden mood swings)

But with Wahidah or Adik, it stays like that.

I don't have much memory with Wahidah (as far as I can remember).

The only thing I can remember is that she loved Mundzir and Along so much. I have to admit, sometimes, I did feel jealous.

She'd choose Along or Mundzir over me anytime. (and come to me whenever she wanna buy something)

I am was a short tempered person. It got a lot more better now though...

but still with the 'bossy' nature... lol~

I guess that's why she didn't like me that much.

The others learn to deal with it as we got older but since she's the youngest, I guess her temper is just as bad as mine.

Strange enough, out of all the siblings, she resembles me so much that when I'm staring at her talking, she looked so much like me.

It feels as if I'm looking at myself talking.

Her temper too... It's quite similar to me...

Our relationship is not something that can easily be understood I guess.

But one thing for sure, I know she did love me... even if it's just a tiny bit

I know that there are so many things that she didn't approve me doing...

though she didn't really have the gut to say it in front of my face, I know...

I guess that's her way of loving me...

There's this one time, where I felt really really moved...

When she came back from a trip to Malacca, I asked for a souvenir and she gave me a book. That time I laughed and gave the book back to her, thinking that she was joking.

The title of the book is 'Lembutkanlah Hatimu'

She didn't say anything though and just laugh along. That's why I thought she was joking. Giving the book to tease me or something...

It was not long after that when Sakinah came to my room one night, and gave the book to me while laughing. Adik was not home at that time (at her hostel).

It was then I realized the words written inside the book...

* Buat k.ngah tersayang,

-Semoga dalam hidupmu 

ada cahaya yg sentiasa

menemani dan menerangi

hidup kita yg sentiasa gelap

dan memerlukan cahaya...

syg k.ngah sentiasa,

yg ikhlas,

(Adik)

The book was really intended for me...

We fought all the times, and we will continue to argue...

but that's what make us siblings... :)

It's kinda similar isn't it?

At times I do have this feeling of guilt for not being able to do much for her. 

After Abah's death, I was afraid she wouldn't be able to cope with it...

She's the youngest and she's still in the early stage of finding her own identity.

I do feel sorry that we had to ignore her request (of wanting to leave Imtiaz) but, running away from something she doesn't like is not the best solution.

We learn to deal with things and grow up through the ordeals... We fell and we got up and walk again... That's how life goes on...

and I hope, one day, she'll be able to shine just like the stars...

I know she will.... :)

Gambatte ne!!! <3 br="">

'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Life must go on, that's what I felt when I first listened to 'River Flows in You' by Yiruma.

There are many times when I thought that giving up would be the best option.

It's true...

I have always had this thought 'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Somehow, tonight I just feel like writing one of the things that have been hurting me all these while.

Being a JPP, it's not easy. Dang. it's way too hard.

But I took the challenge. Maybe it's because of my promise to Appa. or maybe it's because of the responsibility, or maybe it's just me.

I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

The first meeting, I don't know why I had to choose Entrepreneurship.

Yes. I know many things about this. I thought it would be easy.

but again... I was wrong.

I took a much painful road.

I didn't complain though. because it's my choice. Therefore regret is definitely not what I intended to have.

In the past. the present or even the future.

It was my fault. I just couldn't get along with my partner, the chairman of the bureau of Entrepreneurship.

At the beginning, it was between us and he did ask me to be the chairman instead.

but I refused to. It's due to my respect for a senior, I thought he should be the one instead of me.

It's only my second semester and someone older should lead. That's what I think at that particular time.

so it begin.

We had to find the members for this bureau. I couldn't find anyone who's willing to be the members.

In that haste, I turned to my classmates asking whether they could be the members for my bureau. Asking for their help.

and they all refused. The others (from other classes) either have been a member of a bureau or just don't want to involve in this.


He brought in the members from his class and some of the juniors that he knew.

At the beginning, some of them were involved for some work regarding JPP.

but that's it. Then it's just me... and him.

I still remember this one time where I was blamed for being a short tempered person.

and I was also blamed for my failure to bring in the members from my batch.

but it's okay. All the blames, I swallowed it alone. I can do it.

and I did it. Alone.

It was painful. But it was still bearable.

Because it's not enough to 'kill' me at once.

Not long after that, another task given. Out of stress and tension, I snapped and I broke down.

because again I was questioned with the same question.

I was angry cause I have been asking around for a solution but no one paid attention I guess.

I can accept that. Because it's not their problems. why would one bother about it?

But asking me again and again irritate me.

I was reprimanded for that rather rude action.

Though I don't feel sorry at all, I said sorry.

Day by day, I went through it.

It was a foreign feeling at first but as time passes by I got used to it.

Having to cope with my classmates. They sometimes let out some sharp remarks.

I can bear with it though.

I kept on reminding myself that I was the one who made this choice.

At times, I think some of them think that I'm a fool.

A fool for letting myself involved with all these things.

Working with no benefits given.

I grew distant. Not physically.

Mentally.

In a place full of people, I am alone.

That glass wall was suffocating me.

but I felt somehow comfortable inside it.

I'd cry sometimes. but it's okay.

I have Allah.
I have Allah.
I have Allah.

That's what I told myself over and over again.

For sometimes, I had been living my life telling myself that it was my fault.

All of it.

Maybe it's because of me. Maybe if someone else were to be in that post, then things might have been better.

I tried again and again to understand him.

but I failed.

I thought it's my fault because I can't understand him.

It must be that.

Later, I grew tired of that.

In fact, I'm sick of it!

My mind started to rebel. Why is it only me? Why am I the only person who should try to understand him?

I'm sick of it!

I'm sick of everyone!

I feel like no one ever did try to understand me.

I did it all.

I gritted my teeth and did it all... alone.

I swallow the blame all of the blames thrown... alone.

so why can't anyone see that I'm hurting.

I guess people can't see all the other things that I have to face outside. Other than JPP, other than IPG.

My siblings. My fears.

At least, for now, I am secured.

But what about the others? What about the future?

They haven't passed that stage yet. They are still finding their identities.

What if they happened to slip away? and no one will be there to tell them that it's wrong?

In the past, Appa would always told me 'You'd never understand until you have your own children.'

I guess I don't have to wait for that long now.

It's hard. It's too hard.

Of course, as of now, I still have no regrets.

It's true that it's painful but I shouldn't only look at the dark side.

There were still many colourful memories.

and there were still many people that made me smile and made me feel grateful.

though it's not enough to break the wall, but I am still thankful.

and even if some of them made me feel hurt at one time, there would be the times where they were the ones who made me smile.

Because life is like that.

and human make mistakes.

me included.

In fact, I did more mistakes than others.

and imperfection is one of my traits.

Now, I think I have let it go.

I'm not a vengeful person. At least not anymore.

In fact, I won't bear any resentment towards them for a long time.

I will only treat them with vigilance.

So that I would not make the same mistakes as I did in the past.

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To those it may concern, this post was not written as a way to promote myself (since I am already fabulous and awesome enough). I did not write this to vent out my angers. It is merely written for those who wish to understand me and to answer all the questions. 
 
It is not written to gain any sympathy or to bring down other people.

Extra Notes :

Bureau of Entrepreneurship: Biro Keusahawanan
Vengeful : Seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury:
Resentment : Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
Vigilance : The action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.

It's mine after all

Hi peeps!

After thousands of years, I am determined to update again.

yeah

since I'm gonna go back to 'real' life tomorrow.

For once, just this once,

can I ditch my inner conscious and write whatever I want?

Though the consequences might be gruesome, eventually...

Nevermind.

Let's deal with that later, shall we?

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At times, I really think I should stop sucking up 

(though I don't think it's a really appropriate phrase)

Well, in my case, it's not actually the whole time.

Heck, I don't even bother what people think of me most of the times.

It had always been either my life or your life.

Not satisfied?

Then get lost.

( Though I don't really tell 'em straight to the face. Mind the manners...)

But I can see that I've been doing that to certain people mainly to get their recognition

(Always forgetting the fact that many others had always looked up to me)

 I had always hated being looked down

I guess it really has something to do with how I grow up.

Well, let's go back to the previous years.

If I were to really think about it, I was always this big since standard 1.

I mean in term of size.

and you can just imagine growing up with all the jokes and names given.

I was emotionally bullied. Totally...

and to make it worse, I had this pimple attacks when I was in Form 1 until Form 4.

In term of looks, that's what made me fail in the first place.

I was always a shy kid until I chose to step out of it.

I think it was when I was 12 years old.

Slowly, I built my own carefree personality.

It's my life.

It's mine after all.

 

 Most of the people I met from all walks of life judged me from the 1st impression.

(well, you just won't expect much from an ugly fat girl right?)

 Well, it's normal!

Even my mom used to compare me to one of my best friends in term of looks.

(Even if I'm not that close to her but she's still my mom right? and of course I'm not heartless)

Just imagine the feelings...

and just like that, being a teenager I rebelled a lot.

 No matter what happened, I must keep my head high.

I guess my passion in psychology helped me a lot.

That I was not to be blamed...

 and that those people were to be blamed for looking down on others.

 and that's how the 'I-don't-give-a-damn' personality was born.

 My father used to tell me that;

 'How we were born was never our choice but how we live the life will always be our choice'

and that inspired me a lot.

I really don't remember since when,

but I have always had this belief that GOD is always fair.

and HIS every creation is beautiful.

I believe that if I were to say it, everyone would agree.

but very few actually applied it. sadly...

Up until now, I always think that everyone is beautiful.

You are beautiful

If there's an ugly thing within a person, it would be the heart.

I think as much as I want to ignore,

I would always see the disgusted looks shot by some people.

Maybe it's the way I am.

I think it's because I'm being too open. Too carefree.

That I don't fit in if I were to be who I am.

Well, I won't deny that there are things that I should change.

but as of right now, I feel totally sick with those who had always think they're better.

Those with the 'untouchable' figure.

 Those who always question without trying to understand at all.

 Those who think they care but always failed to realize that they had made thing worsen.

 Sure we can always be conceited or a jerk at times,

but there's always a limit to it.

In fact, the lines separating the feelings have always been very very thin.

Example;

Often we feel that it was love without realizing that it has always been jealousy all along.

God! 

I thought I could never actually write this.

Truthfully, up till now, I would still feel down sometimes.

but at least I got a strong backbone, right?

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Anyway, I think my head is now crammed with all the memories from the past.

well, 

see ya when I see ya!

With love,

I'm gonna write a very short update since I'm going back to Seremban (Mak Chik's house) after asar...

and yes, I'm now in Negeri Sembilan!!!! specifically in USIM, Nilai...

God! I can't believe how much I miss this place. and now I'm in ctie's room in KK1.

But sadly, I don't meet many others coz most of them went home since it's their study week...

Nevermind.... I can always come again (which I don't know when)...

I'm going to stay in Seremban until Friday and we'll go to Perak on Saturday since my cousin is getting engaged. 

Life has been good lately though there were many problems. lol~

But It's okay... everything will always be alright.

I have many things to update about but I guess I'll do it when I go back to Terengganu.

Anyway, being the lazy me, I don't really promise that... hee~~

so peeps, goodbye!!!  :D

I'm 20... plus a day...

Finally.... after thousands of years of not visiting this blog, I'm here!

I'm 20... plus a day... lol~

and so, my birthday was spent just like that.

Compared to the year before, I didn't receive as much birthday wishes. Maybe it's because I kept my birth date hidden on fb and so, without notifications, there's only some people who really notify themselves will remember... lol~

Though I did feel just a little bit hurt when some people that I've been waitin' didn't call or send any messages...

Well, I don't blame them though coz I have done things like that before... hee~

I didn't celebrate it with my family this year. last year too... I guess...

I think after 18, I just don't care anymore. Maybe it's because at 19 and 20, I had always been alone.

Truthfully, there are times I do wish I never leave USIM because I have many people there and I know I can always turn to ctie whenever I feel lost.

Those are the times when I feel so alone here.

That's why being at IPG if I don't have anything to do anymore, no matter how late it is, no matter how far, no matter how tired I am, I always found my way back home. Coz it's lonely there.

yeah... I kinda received a lot of comments or questions bout me always going home.

but then, I couldn't simply tell them "...because I feel lonely..." that sounds too dramatic and way too weird. and I know it'll lead to many other questions...

and so I answer it the way I usually answer things. How? Hee~ Well, after years, I've learned that we didn't need to lie if we don't wanna tell. coz actually 70% of the questions are just due to formality... Most people won't pursue it further unless it is your parent or siblings.

It's a technique that I developed after years in SHAMS and I won't tell you the secrets here... huhu.

Anyway, let's ditch that... and proceed...

Another week, and another semester passed. This holiday will be exciting as there are many things for me to do instead of dwelling inside my lonely life. lol~

I should do a barbecue next saturday... hmm~ Should ask mundzir to tag along...

Actually, we've been waiting for PM to announce the date for PRU 13. and I had to admit, all the speculations are affecting my plans.

Duh! for sure I don't wanna miss this PRU. Don't wanna be somewhere else during the PRU... lol~

Memories of the last PRU in 2008 was the most memorable for it was the last PRU with abah. I still remembered that most of us cried, as abah gave a short speech right after it ended at 5.00 p.m...

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I'm going back to Malacca this 27th or 28th of May....Huhu...

Maybe I should bake a cake and visit Along first at KL before going to Malacca.

After all, this 24th May will be her 22nd birthday... lol~

Aiisshh~ I always bake cakes for others that now I just wish someone would bake a cake for me...

But never mind... it made me happy watching people eat my cakes.

I got a few photos to be uploaded but I guess I'll just upload it next time... :D

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Remember I said I'm going to operate my leg... I didn't go to the operation.

After putting much thoughts and considering everything, I'm kinda glad I didn't go.

coz if I did, I'll have to ditch many works and that will be another story...

Anyway, it's 2.46 a.m...

I should end this... lol~

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SYAKIRAH!!!! 

I'M JUST GLAD THAT YOU ARE ME!!!!

Anyway, gonna update again this weekend coz I have some stories to be shared...

Daa~


p/s: 
Dear Adek,
If you read this, u should know that I'm really really mad at you for not calling me on my birthday... 

Peace... No harm intended. :D

Dear peeps and creeps, (and all the others aside from those 2 categories...)


It's my one-week holiday!!!! yay!!!

and I love holidays!!! lol~

Maybe I should take this time to reflect about all my wrongdoings.

 The Inner Conscious : Though I don't really feel like I have one... 

Me : Shut up.

lol~

Anyway, I'm still thinking on how to survive in IPGKDRI this coming April. 

Yeah. After that operation to remove the things inside my leg.

Any idea? One thing for sure, the place I'm studying now is definitely not friendly enough for disabled people.

and yeah... I had looked around...

the place might cause me another bloody-tragedy. *sigh*

Okay, first thing first. 

I actually don't really like the idea of having another operation. or in other words, I really despise it.

3 years ago, I thought that would be the first and the last.

coz it's painful.

added with all the embarrassment.  (you'll understand if you have had that experience)

Okay, forget bout that. for now...
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Last week I went for a counseling session In Al-Farabi hall.

and guess what, I got 10/10 for the autonomy part.

you can google bout autonomy for sidek's personality test and you'll eventually understand me. lol~

Well, I got high scores for many of the personality traits except for the last part and a few others.

All I can say is that, I think I'll have another counseling session again. :D

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I think despite the frustration I have when my siblings are not co-operating with me for the house chores, they actually made me laugh.

It was like, one moment I got really mad and then the next moment, we will laugh together.

 The Inner Conscious : Guess what, I think it just shows how much of a psycho you are.

Me : Guess what, ur opinion is not needed here. :p

I think it'll get real crazy if Along is here. lol~

and so today there goes my RM 65.00 after much persuasion from the brat whom I call Adik. -_-"

Dear Along,

I can never become rich if she's going to behave like this everyday... T__T

-Angah-

Today, again I have to pick Sakinah from her school.

and yeah, I think it's a good way to perfect your driving skills. (wait till u see the road)

This really reminds me of that one time when I got lost on my way home, the first time I sent her.

and I end up at Wakaf Tapai. -_-"

That was like another looonggg~ journey home. T__T

So, while Batu Rakit taught me how to be patience, Pengkalan Berangan teach me how to control the car when you're driving 120km/h on the crooked road.

The Inner conscious : Don't bother her. She's just being crazy.

Me : Not as much as you do! :p

Life had been pretty relaxing for me. (or else I won't have times to update my blog...)

No scandals. Whatsoever... 

Well, not that they're really true anyway. It sounds way too ridiculous to even be laughed at. 

lol~

It's funny how some people really believe 'em.

Not like I really care anyway. I don't think it's harming me.

At least, I've had things harder before.

Up to one point, people will get tired. and so they'll stop. 

Well, let's just hope that no one will get *butthurt. so that I don't have another person 'dedicating' the dreadful word to me.

Coz I can be as nice as I want and the moment you used that kind of word to me I can turn into a wicked witch. (at least it's better than a b*tch rite?)

Peace... No harm intended. :D

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Currently listening to What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction.

Despite the sweet lyrics, I can't help but suddenly having this weird flashback on one advertisement on tv about deodorant I guess. (forgot bout the brand)

But the illogical part is when the girl used her 'white' armpits to attract guys to help her changing the car tire. 

and I was like, OMG, this ads looks way too ridiculous.

and stupid too... -_-"

Anyway, some people might believe in that and buy the product.

without knowing that make-up is doing it's wonder for every advertisement.

lol~

I do wear make ups. but not as often anymore. 

coz I'm just getting lazy. Applying everything will take more than 15 minutes. >__<

I think I had thrown away half of my make-up set the last time I clean my bag... :D

Yeah! Let's go natural! 

Now I feel sleepy. *yawning*

Nite everyone! Sweet dreams!

Assalamualaikum~ (Muslims only) :D

p/s : let's just hope adik will change her mind bout going to library tomorrow. *praying*

*Meaning of butthurt :

A. When a person gets overly offended for a non mean-spirited joke.

B. The state of being offended because of a joke your friend made and not talking to him or her because of said joke.