To the future me

My dear,

Today your demon is small enough.
You are okay. You are fine.
You.are.enough.

Yesterday it was hell.
The demon got so big it trampled you over and over again. It found a small crack and immediately took the chance to strike.
You cried. You looked into the mirror and felt disgusted.
Again, you hated yourself.
Again, you got hurt.

My dear,

It will happen again. The demon will get way too big again.

It might get bigger than anything you had ever seen before.
Which is why I'm writing this.

When you are in pain, stop and take a deep breath.
I know it hurts. I know you really really want this to end.
You want to end this pain.
In fact, you're tempted to run away.
Stop.

Whatever that you do at the moment, stop.
Stop thinking.
Stop.
Take a deep breath.
Take out your notebook.
Take out your pen.
Write.

Write everything that pains you.
Write the things that made you grief.
Write all the hatred that you have.
Then stop and read them.
Read them again and again.

Then, ask yourself.
Is this really how you feel?
Is this really what you want?
Is this really worth it?

How do you really feel?
What do you really want?

Take a deep breath.
You are okay.
You don't need to be more.
You are enough.
It's okay.

Smile and start your journey again.

😊💪

Love and Time

Once upon a time, there was an island where all the feelings lived; Happiness, Sadness, Knowledge and all the others, including Love.

One day, it was announced to all of the feelings that the island was going to sink to the bottom of the ocean. So, all the feelings prepared their boats to leave. Love was the only one that stayed to the end. She wanted to cherish the island paradise until the last possible moment.

When the island was almost totally under, Love decided it was time to leave. She began looking for someone to ask for help. 

Just then, Richness was passing by in a grand boat. Love asked, "Richness, Can I come with you on your boat?" Richness answered, "I'm sorry but there is a lot of silver and gold on my boat and there would be no room for you anywhere."

Then, Love decided to ask Vanity for help, who was passing in a beautiful vessel. Love cried out, "Vanity, help me please."

"I can't help you," Vanity said, "You are all wet and will damage my beautiful boat."

Next, Love saw Sadness passing by. Love said, " Sadness, please let me go with you."

Sadness answered, "Love, I'm sorry but I just need to be alone now." 

Then, Love saw Happiness. Love cried out, "Happiness, please take me with you."

But, Happiness was so overjoyed, that he didn't hear Love calling to him. Love began to cry.

She then heard a voice say, "Come, Love, I will take you with me." It was an elder. Love felt so blessed and overjoyed that she forgot to ask the elder his name. 

When they arrived on land, the elder went on his way. Love realized how much she owed the elder. 

Love looked for Knowledge and asked, "Who was the elder that helped me?"

"It was Time," Knowledge answered. 

"But, why did Time help me, when no one else would?" Love asked.

Knowledge smiled and with deep wisdom and sincerity, answered, 

"Because only Time is capable of understanding how great Love is."

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I read this story once when I was in secondary school. Yes. This story is deep and it tells how only time is capable to understand love.

But now, when I read this, I think Love in this story is stupid.
Love in this story is weak and stupid.

Why can't she just prepare the boat while cherishing the island?
or why can't she just be a badass and swim her way to land?

Then I reflect upon my life and yes, love can make us stupid. Often, emotions control us; clouding our judgment. Of all, love has a very firm grip when taking the control; sometimes it makes you stupid, and interesting enough, love takes control of other emotions as well.

Like a fool, she remained though she knew that the island is sinking. She couldn't help it. It's her nature. When you love you'll try to hold on even though you know, there is no hope.
Sometimes, sinking along with it.
As of now, I can tell... she's not capable yet. She wants to leave. It hurts her. But she doesn't have the courage. She wants to hold on as long as she can.
So, I'll tell her to pick up the wood, and start to build her boat. I'll keep telling her that.
Or maybe when the time comes, she'll swim her way to land.
And that time, I know, she won't look back again.

Have courage!
 

Don't ever forget me ^^

      Lately I've been here several times and I find it funny how I stopped saying 'Hi' in my last posts. Part of it, might be due to the realization that no one probably read this blog. Haha. I don't mind though. This blog serves more as a diary towards my future self. So, if you accidentally read my posts, then hopefully you'll get something out of it. One thing for sure, I'm going to keep blogging.

          As I went through my older posts, I noticed that for the past 5 years, particularly after my father passed away, I stopped blogging and writing altogether. Up to one point, I only posted an entry once or twice a year. I have to admit, my father's death was probably my most painful turning point. His death changed everything. Honestly, it was so painful and it still is. Even now, I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Life must go on though. Haha. So, don't worry, it'll be okay.

     I read a story several weeks ago. Honestly, that story was not even the best story I read so far but I cried a lot as I read it. It's about a girl who woke up in the hospital with 15 years of her life missing from her memory. She was a totally different person 15 years later as she became ruthless and cold due to the circumstances that she faced during the 15 years. It made me sad partly because I know, I too could be that cold and ruthless one day.

So today I want to tell you, the me in the future, regardless of whatever happens in the future always always always and always see the good in people.

 

For the phoenix to rise from the ashes

One must know the pain

To transform the fire to burning desire.

-Mark Gorkin-

I'm alive

How would my life be like after 5 years?

      I posed this exact question to myself 5 years ago and this is how the teenage me answered the question...

"Now~ this is something that I like but I also hate this… Kinda ironic huh?

Why I hate this topic?

Simple. Because it’s something in the future.  Something that you’ll never know until you figure it out.

But still,,, I like imagining things of how it would be in the future…"

       Recently, I had a great time browsing down the memory lane after I managed to recover the hard disk from my old laptop. Those who knew me might notice that my laptop was/is my everything. I always have my laptop with me no matter how heavy it was. I did everything using my laptop. Writing, editing, music, reading... and most importantly, it had a huge chunk of my memories.

      After the laptop that I used back in 2009-2011 broke, all the stuff in the hard disk was left untouched. Like a frozen memory, it's stuck, until I recovered them. Honestly, 5 years weren't that long. Everything passes by in a blink but going through those memories made me realize, I am no longer the same person.

      In the frozen memory, I discovered tons of writings. I guess one thing that stayed the same was the only way for me to truly express myself is through writing. When I think back to those days when I battled depression, it's amazing that I even made it here. It's amazing that I could be positive again. It's amazing how I could look in the mirror and smile.

      It's truly amazing that I could truly smile, laugh and cry instead of smiling and crying when I did not feel anything. During those time, like an empty shell, I could not feel anything. It seems surreal sometimes that I once battled depression in the past.

After all these years, I realize one thing,

I'm alive!

#1 The selfish me

24 years old. Wow! Time flies fast. Once upon a time, I wish time would fly faster. I wish I would grow up faster.

But now, I keep on thinking, 'Time, can you please slow down?'

5 years ago, I came to IPG with a very thick imaginary wall around me. Funny. I still remember the day I left USIM.

I was hurt. Heartbroken. I hate myself for loving too much.

I think I could talk about that now without feeling anything anymore. :-)

Five years ago, around April or May 2011, I was accused of lying. Deceitful, Two-faced whatever that is.

Without knowing anything, I smiled and greeted everyone. I still remember the disgusted faces, the accusing eyes. I just brushed it off at first. Not knowing anything.

Then hell broke loose. My roommate called me on the same day asking what did I do. Apparently, another roommate of mine (she's in the same course with me) suddenly said something weird.

The exact word she said "Saya tahu kenapa. Dia menipu." I was dumbfounded. The words kept on ringing in my head. Honestly, even until now, I could still remember that.

Why? What happened? What did I do?

Then I got to know, people were talking behind my back. They said that I was a two-faced bitch. That I lied to the lecturer.

Funny. No one asked me what actually happened.

Everyone wanted to save their sorry asses. lol.

So here's what happened back then.

We were having a drama competition as part of our coursework. The night before the performance, someone broke into the hall. Three tutorial groups including mine were involved. That night, there was a power outage in that hall. I did not know anything at first. We were the last group to arrive at the hall that night and not everyone in my group were there. Only then I knew, that someone broke into the hall. That we were not authorized to use the hall.

I was one of the first to be called by the lecturer as I was the director for my group's drama committee. I explained what happened to my lecturer and I agreed to take responsibility because I was there. But I disagree that my group members should take the responsibility because we were the last that reached the hall and not even half of my group members were there. Therefore, only I alone should receive the consequence because I instructed them to go there.

I apologized to my lecturer and said that I would accept any punishment. After the competition ended (or was it before that?) my lecturer once again called the leaders to the front and talked to us. It was all good until I said something at the end. I guess it sounded wrong to the others. I apologized and once again I said that my group members were innocent.

The others did not know anything. They immediately assumed that I did not want to take any responsibility. I guess they were scared back then. We were young and there were chances that we could be expelled. So that's it. Because of that 5 seconds, I was judged. Again. No one asked me.

I guess at that time, even my group members doubted me. There were those that believe in me. I was thankful I really am. Because I really did break back then. There were only so much I could handle. That time, It hadn't even been a year since I got out from depression. Falling back would be scary. That time, It hadn't even been a year since I erased all the suicidal thoughts. Therefore I was really grateful for having them behind me. My group members, Mariah, Dely, Syera, Ama, my roommates Hajar and Umi, and my best friend Ctie.

I think what hurts me the most was not those people. I did not really know them. We were just acquaintances (There were more than 300 students in my course).

What hurts me the most was the fact that the person that I love doubted me. What hurts me the most was the fact that she never asked me. Yes. My roommate. I really love her. I really did.

I guess it was one sided back then. :-)

For a very long time I did not talk to her, I could not even look at her. Not because I hated her.
But because I would cry if I even look into her eyes.

No. I could not hate her even when I tried.

I was heartbroken. So wrecked. In fact, it still hurts. :-)

I met the person again after years.

At first I hesitated a lot whether I should greet her or not.

A part of me, the childish me was angry that even back then, I never heard her saying 'I'm sorry'. But I was glad I suppressed that part of me and greeted her.

The moment I greeted her, I finally let go.

If I really love, I should have love without expecting love in return.

I guess I was too selfish back then. :-)

Dear you,
I'm sorry for hurting you, 
I'm sorry for everything that I did,
I'm sorry I could not be enough,
I'm really sorry for everything,
and thank you.
Thank you for being a part of my life. 
I wish you all the best. 
You'll always be in my prayer. 

A better painting

As I was reading quora updates, I was suddenly reminded by one of the Anime series that I really like - the Ouran High School Host Club.

In Ouran High School Host Club, there are 2 episodes that left a very deep impression to me every time I watched them. It's episode 20, "The Door the Twins Opened!" "Futago ga Aketa Tobira" (双子があけた扉) and episode 24, "And so Kyoya Met Him!" "Soshite Kyōya wa Deatta" (そして鏡夜は出会った).

Both episodes left a particularly different feelings whenever I watched them. I was thinking of having both episodes written in one entry. However, it might be too complicated for me to convey their charms in one entry.

And so I decided to dedicate this entry to Episode 24.

Episode 24  "And so Kyoya Met Him!" "Soshite Kyōya wa Deatta" (そして鏡夜は出会った), left a very deep impression to me about life.

Kyouya, who was stuck in his own world with the mindset that as the third son, he would never be the successor of the family. All he could do is meet all his father's expectations, support his brothers and never surpass them. However, in a way, he knew that he could do more. He dreams to be someone better, to be someone who could make his father feel very proud, to be better than his brothers.

But because of the circumstances (having 2 perfect elder brothers) he perceive his life as painting the already perfect painting.

"To see how much I can display my talent without going over the 'limits' of a third son... That is like having a canvas already set inside a formidable frame... and trying to create the best painting atop it."
-Ootori Kyouya-

If I were to compare it with the real life, perhaps the circumstances are different. But the fact that many of us always perceive our life as painting the already perfect painting is true.

We might not be the third heir to a business empire, but it's true that we sometimes see life as having a canvas already set inside a formidable frame.

As a result, we grew very frustrated. Because we wanted to go out of the canvas but scared that we would stain the perfect painting that perhaps set by our parents, siblings, family, even the society.

Once, I too was stuck in that frame for a long time. Since kindergarten, I had always followed my sister's path. Kindergarten, primary school, secondary school until university. Her path was all I could ever see back then.
I was always the second one. My sister was very smart. She was always in the top 3. Competing for the 1st place in the class, back in primary school.

I was always in the top 5 but I never got the first place except once - when I was in year 4. It was a total struggle for me. To my parents, I could no longer excite them. Me being in the 2nd or 3rd place could never compare to my sister's first place.
There was once, I got the fourth place and my sister, as always got 1st in her class. The fact that I got the 4th place was a disappointment to my mother.

It was as if 'why couldn't you be more like your sister?'. and though I no longer resent my mother, it still left a deep scar.

In secondary school, I drifted further. I could not keep up being with the 'intelligent' students. I think, for most part, deep in my heart, I agreed that I could never climb that high. I learned to be contented with what I had.
Without knowing... I gave up.
I had chosen to pick up the brush and continue to paint the canvas. Trying very hard not to spoil it.

Years passed, I enrolled in USIM with my sister's advice. In USIM, I realized that I was not born for this. Science is just not my thing.

Things happened... and now I'm in IPG. Painting my own canvas. and I am happy.

I was no longer a someone's shadow.

Back to Kyouya, it was after he met Tamaki that he realized that he was not trying hard enough.

'What? You're the one who isn't trying harder. If you want to surpass your brothers, then do so. The one that's not doing anything and giving up... is you.'
-Suou Tamaki-

In the series, the character conveniently realized his mistake when the protagonist said it. But in real world, it would be much harder. Perhaps we would never even realized that.

I did not realize this either for years and now I'm glad I did. I encourage my third sister due to this conscience that she should start to paint her own canvas.

To those who feel like they had been painting the already perfect canvas and scared to step out of it, have courage, take the risk and explore! In the end, all the hard work and struggles will just be a fond memory in the future.

and remember,
if you are the parents, keep on supporting your children. It might not be the first for you but to them, all the achievements were their first.
if you are an elder brother or sister, guide your other siblings. No matter how strong they are, your support always meant something to them.
if you are a friend, encourage your friend. Don't put them down. Be happy even when they are better than you. Because a great man is always willing to be little.

Even now, I know that I keep on painting my already perfect canvas due to the fear of spoiling that one painting for my other dreams.

But then again.. that's the beauty of life... If you did not take the risk, you would never know...

That perhaps one day you would be able to create a better painting than the one inside the already perfect canvas.

 

Don't worry, it'll pass ^^

Often I would laugh at myself.

Why?

because I kept telling others to stay positive by being grateful but every once in a while, I'll be drowned in my own insufficiencies again. Dealing with it is harsh experience. Too much and you can go straight to depression.

and speaking of depression, these past months, I have learned a lot about this. 

I always thought that I had passed through the time I'd refer as 'The Darkest Part' of my life. 

but as time goes by, I would always fall. Succumbing to my own anger, dissatisfaction, fears, grief and all the negative emotions in the world. 

and it's back to square one. That feeling as if you're running in circles or the feeling of being sucked in by a force. You struggle to go out, but it's not enough.

The negativity, it would always linger around and when there is an opening, it'll strike. 

I realized this long ago but it didn't really dawned to me that I'd be depressed again until my sister told me something about mental disorders.
The words that struck me was 'It can be treated, but not cured'.

and that is why I felt what I was feeling and the only reason i didn't fell as deep as before is because I stood my ground and fight it. I know I never want to go through those time again.

but chances are always there. so managing it would be the best. There are a lot of ways but I chose to keep myself in check with the 'Living With Depression' newsletter from Everyday Health and yes, I learned a lot.

It might not be much, but as I read the articles, I would always be reminded that 
I am not the only one that have to go through this.

and so I decided to share this one story. I found this story when I was going through a hard time one month ago. 

It was hard and everything just went wrong. and I hated myself so much.

so much that it became unbearable.

I hope this story would inspire someone just as it did to me.

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This too shall pass!

Once a king called upon all of his wise men and asked them, "Is there a mantra or suggestion which works in every situation, in every circumstance, in every place and in every time. In every joy, every sorrow, every defeat and every victory? One answer for all questions? Something that can help me when none of you is available to advise me? Tell me, is there any mantra?"
 
All the wise men were puzzled by the King's question. They thought and thought. After a lengthy discussion, an old man suggested something that appealed to all of them. They went to the king and gave him something written on paper, with a condition that the king was not to see it out of curiosity.
Only in extreme danger, when the King finds himself alone and there seems to be no way, only then can he see it. The King put the paper under his huge diamond ring.
 
Some time later, the neighbours attacked the kingdom. The King and his army fought bravely but lost the battle. The King had to flee on his horse. The enemies were following him. They were getting closer and closer. Suddenly the King found himself standing at the end of the road - that road was not going anywhere. Underneath there was a rocky valley thousand feet deep.
 
If he jumped into it, he would be finished...and he could not return because it was a small road...the sound of the enemies' horses was heard. The King became restless. There seemed to be no way out.
Then suddenly he saw the diamond in his ring shining in the sun, and he remembered the message hidden in the ring. He opened the diamond and read the message. 

The message was "THIS TOO SHALL PASS"
 
The King read it. And read it again. Suddenly something struck him. Yes! This too will pass. Only a few days ago, I was enjoying my kingdom. I was the mightiest of all the kings. Yet today, the kingdom and all the pleasures have gone. I am here trying to escape from enemies. But just like those days of luxury have gone, this day of danger too will pass.
 
A calm came on his face. He kept standing there. The place where he was standing was full of natural beauty. He had never known that such a beautiful place was also a part of his kingdom.
The revelation of the message had a great effect on him. He relaxed and forgot about those following him. After a few minutes he realized that the noise of the horses and the enemies was receding. They had moved to some other part of the mountains and were nowhere near him.
 
The King was very brave. He reorganized his army and fought again. He defeated the enemies and regained his empire. When he returned to his empire after victory, he was received with much fanfare. The whole capital was rejoicing in the victory.
 
Everyone was in a festive mood. Flowers were being showered on the King from every house and from every corner. People were dancing and singing. For a moment the King said to himself, "I am one of the bravest and greatest kings. It is not easy to defeat me."
 
But suddenly the diamond in his ring flashed in the sunlight and reminded him of the message. He opened it and read it again: "THIS TOO SHALL PASS".
 
He became silent. His face went through a total change - from the egoist he moved to a state of utter humility.
 
If this too is going to pass, it is not yours. The defeat was not yours, and the victory is not yours. You are just a watcher. Everything passes by. We are witnesses of all this. We are the perceivers. Life comes and goes. Happiness comes and goes. Sorrow comes and goes.
Now as you read this story, just sit back and evaluate your own life. This too will pass. Think of the moments of joy and victory in your life. Think of the moments of sorrow and defeat. Are they permanent? They all come and pass away.
 
Life just passes away. There is nothing permanent in this world. Everything changes except the law of change.
 
Think over it from your own perspective. You have seen all the changes. You have survived all setbacks, all defeats and all sorrows. All have passed away.
 
The problems in the present, they too will pass away. Because nothing remains forever. Joy and sorrow are two faces of the same coin. They both will pass away.
 
You are just a witness of change. Experience it, understand it, and enjoy the present moment - for this too shall pass.
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credits; 
1. story : www.citehr.com
2. photo : nazann.wordpress.com

Nur Wahidah Kamilah

The first update for this year and it's already the end of semester...

Way to go sya'ak... -_-"

Actually, I hadn't been writing much lately.

Well, maybe a few here and there but not much really.

Tonight, it's really out of sudden. but I think I'm missing my youngest sister.

Nur Wahidah Kamilah...

There's not much that we could talk about when I'm with her cause we just despise repel each other so much... >_<

I think she'll die out of embarrassment if she read this post in the future... lol~

For a starter, we don't have that good relationship ever since from the beginning.

I think I'm not that good in expressing my love towards others.

I'm not that good with words (talking) either whenever I want to express my feelings. I can only write it out. That's why a counselor asked me to write everything I felt if I'm stressed.

My siblings don't really liked me. Even as a child, Sakinah used to hate me so much. Along too...
I'm not sure about the boys (Mundzir and Dudin) but I guess, they too feel annoyed with me.

It's kinda funny whenever I think about it now.

As a child, I wanna be understood. But no one seems to be able to do that.

I guess I was selfish...

Now, I'm in a very good term with Along and Sakinah (minus the sudden mood swings)

But with Wahidah or Adik, it stays like that.

I don't have much memory with Wahidah (as far as I can remember).

The only thing I can remember is that she loved Mundzir and Along so much. I have to admit, sometimes, I did feel jealous.

She'd choose Along or Mundzir over me anytime. (and come to me whenever she wanna buy something)

I am was a short tempered person. It got a lot more better now though...

but still with the 'bossy' nature... lol~

I guess that's why she didn't like me that much.

The others learn to deal with it as we got older but since she's the youngest, I guess her temper is just as bad as mine.

Strange enough, out of all the siblings, she resembles me so much that when I'm staring at her talking, she looked so much like me.

It feels as if I'm looking at myself talking.

Her temper too... It's quite similar to me...

Our relationship is not something that can easily be understood I guess.

But one thing for sure, I know she did love me... even if it's just a tiny bit

I know that there are so many things that she didn't approve me doing...

though she didn't really have the gut to say it in front of my face, I know...

I guess that's her way of loving me...

There's this one time, where I felt really really moved...

When she came back from a trip to Malacca, I asked for a souvenir and she gave me a book. That time I laughed and gave the book back to her, thinking that she was joking.

The title of the book is 'Lembutkanlah Hatimu'

She didn't say anything though and just laugh along. That's why I thought she was joking. Giving the book to tease me or something...

It was not long after that when Sakinah came to my room one night, and gave the book to me while laughing. Adik was not home at that time (at her hostel).

It was then I realized the words written inside the book...

* Buat k.ngah tersayang,

-Semoga dalam hidupmu 

ada cahaya yg sentiasa

menemani dan menerangi

hidup kita yg sentiasa gelap

dan memerlukan cahaya...

syg k.ngah sentiasa,

yg ikhlas,

(Adik)

The book was really intended for me...

We fought all the times, and we will continue to argue...

but that's what make us siblings... :)

It's kinda similar isn't it?

At times I do have this feeling of guilt for not being able to do much for her. 

After Abah's death, I was afraid she wouldn't be able to cope with it...

She's the youngest and she's still in the early stage of finding her own identity.

I do feel sorry that we had to ignore her request (of wanting to leave Imtiaz) but, running away from something she doesn't like is not the best solution.

We learn to deal with things and grow up through the ordeals... We fell and we got up and walk again... That's how life goes on...

and I hope, one day, she'll be able to shine just like the stars...

I know she will.... :)

Gambatte ne!!! <3 br="">

'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Life must go on, that's what I felt when I first listened to 'River Flows in You' by Yiruma.

There are many times when I thought that giving up would be the best option.

It's true...

I have always had this thought 'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Somehow, tonight I just feel like writing one of the things that have been hurting me all these while.

Being a JPP, it's not easy. Dang. it's way too hard.

But I took the challenge. Maybe it's because of my promise to Appa. or maybe it's because of the responsibility, or maybe it's just me.

I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

The first meeting, I don't know why I had to choose Entrepreneurship.

Yes. I know many things about this. I thought it would be easy.

but again... I was wrong.

I took a much painful road.

I didn't complain though. because it's my choice. Therefore regret is definitely not what I intended to have.

In the past. the present or even the future.

It was my fault. I just couldn't get along with my partner, the chairman of the bureau of Entrepreneurship.

At the beginning, it was between us and he did ask me to be the chairman instead.

but I refused to. It's due to my respect for a senior, I thought he should be the one instead of me.

It's only my second semester and someone older should lead. That's what I think at that particular time.

so it begin.

We had to find the members for this bureau. I couldn't find anyone who's willing to be the members.

In that haste, I turned to my classmates asking whether they could be the members for my bureau. Asking for their help.

and they all refused. The others (from other classes) either have been a member of a bureau or just don't want to involve in this.


He brought in the members from his class and some of the juniors that he knew.

At the beginning, some of them were involved for some work regarding JPP.

but that's it. Then it's just me... and him.

I still remember this one time where I was blamed for being a short tempered person.

and I was also blamed for my failure to bring in the members from my batch.

but it's okay. All the blames, I swallowed it alone. I can do it.

and I did it. Alone.

It was painful. But it was still bearable.

Because it's not enough to 'kill' me at once.

Not long after that, another task given. Out of stress and tension, I snapped and I broke down.

because again I was questioned with the same question.

I was angry cause I have been asking around for a solution but no one paid attention I guess.

I can accept that. Because it's not their problems. why would one bother about it?

But asking me again and again irritate me.

I was reprimanded for that rather rude action.

Though I don't feel sorry at all, I said sorry.

Day by day, I went through it.

It was a foreign feeling at first but as time passes by I got used to it.

Having to cope with my classmates. They sometimes let out some sharp remarks.

I can bear with it though.

I kept on reminding myself that I was the one who made this choice.

At times, I think some of them think that I'm a fool.

A fool for letting myself involved with all these things.

Working with no benefits given.

I grew distant. Not physically.

Mentally.

In a place full of people, I am alone.

That glass wall was suffocating me.

but I felt somehow comfortable inside it.

I'd cry sometimes. but it's okay.

I have Allah.
I have Allah.
I have Allah.

That's what I told myself over and over again.

For sometimes, I had been living my life telling myself that it was my fault.

All of it.

Maybe it's because of me. Maybe if someone else were to be in that post, then things might have been better.

I tried again and again to understand him.

but I failed.

I thought it's my fault because I can't understand him.

It must be that.

Later, I grew tired of that.

In fact, I'm sick of it!

My mind started to rebel. Why is it only me? Why am I the only person who should try to understand him?

I'm sick of it!

I'm sick of everyone!

I feel like no one ever did try to understand me.

I did it all.

I gritted my teeth and did it all... alone.

I swallow the blame all of the blames thrown... alone.

so why can't anyone see that I'm hurting.

I guess people can't see all the other things that I have to face outside. Other than JPP, other than IPG.

My siblings. My fears.

At least, for now, I am secured.

But what about the others? What about the future?

They haven't passed that stage yet. They are still finding their identities.

What if they happened to slip away? and no one will be there to tell them that it's wrong?

In the past, Appa would always told me 'You'd never understand until you have your own children.'

I guess I don't have to wait for that long now.

It's hard. It's too hard.

Of course, as of now, I still have no regrets.

It's true that it's painful but I shouldn't only look at the dark side.

There were still many colourful memories.

and there were still many people that made me smile and made me feel grateful.

though it's not enough to break the wall, but I am still thankful.

and even if some of them made me feel hurt at one time, there would be the times where they were the ones who made me smile.

Because life is like that.

and human make mistakes.

me included.

In fact, I did more mistakes than others.

and imperfection is one of my traits.

Now, I think I have let it go.

I'm not a vengeful person. At least not anymore.

In fact, I won't bear any resentment towards them for a long time.

I will only treat them with vigilance.

So that I would not make the same mistakes as I did in the past.

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To those it may concern, this post was not written as a way to promote myself (since I am already fabulous and awesome enough). I did not write this to vent out my angers. It is merely written for those who wish to understand me and to answer all the questions. 
 
It is not written to gain any sympathy or to bring down other people.

Extra Notes :

Bureau of Entrepreneurship: Biro Keusahawanan
Vengeful : Seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury:
Resentment : Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
Vigilance : The action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.

It's mine after all

Hi peeps!

After thousands of years, I am determined to update again.

yeah

since I'm gonna go back to 'real' life tomorrow.

For once, just this once,

can I ditch my inner conscious and write whatever I want?

Though the consequences might be gruesome, eventually...

Nevermind.

Let's deal with that later, shall we?

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At times, I really think I should stop sucking up 

(though I don't think it's a really appropriate phrase)

Well, in my case, it's not actually the whole time.

Heck, I don't even bother what people think of me most of the times.

It had always been either my life or your life.

Not satisfied?

Then get lost.

( Though I don't really tell 'em straight to the face. Mind the manners...)

But I can see that I've been doing that to certain people mainly to get their recognition

(Always forgetting the fact that many others had always looked up to me)

 I had always hated being looked down

I guess it really has something to do with how I grow up.

Well, let's go back to the previous years.

If I were to really think about it, I was always this big since standard 1.

I mean in term of size.

and you can just imagine growing up with all the jokes and names given.

I was emotionally bullied. Totally...

and to make it worse, I had this pimple attacks when I was in Form 1 until Form 4.

In term of looks, that's what made me fail in the first place.

I was always a shy kid until I chose to step out of it.

I think it was when I was 12 years old.

Slowly, I built my own carefree personality.

It's my life.

It's mine after all.

 

 Most of the people I met from all walks of life judged me from the 1st impression.

(well, you just won't expect much from an ugly fat girl right?)

 Well, it's normal!

Even my mom used to compare me to one of my best friends in term of looks.

(Even if I'm not that close to her but she's still my mom right? and of course I'm not heartless)

Just imagine the feelings...

and just like that, being a teenager I rebelled a lot.

 No matter what happened, I must keep my head high.

I guess my passion in psychology helped me a lot.

That I was not to be blamed...

 and that those people were to be blamed for looking down on others.

 and that's how the 'I-don't-give-a-damn' personality was born.

 My father used to tell me that;

 'How we were born was never our choice but how we live the life will always be our choice'

and that inspired me a lot.

I really don't remember since when,

but I have always had this belief that GOD is always fair.

and HIS every creation is beautiful.

I believe that if I were to say it, everyone would agree.

but very few actually applied it. sadly...

Up until now, I always think that everyone is beautiful.

You are beautiful

If there's an ugly thing within a person, it would be the heart.

I think as much as I want to ignore,

I would always see the disgusted looks shot by some people.

Maybe it's the way I am.

I think it's because I'm being too open. Too carefree.

That I don't fit in if I were to be who I am.

Well, I won't deny that there are things that I should change.

but as of right now, I feel totally sick with those who had always think they're better.

Those with the 'untouchable' figure.

 Those who always question without trying to understand at all.

 Those who think they care but always failed to realize that they had made thing worsen.

 Sure we can always be conceited or a jerk at times,

but there's always a limit to it.

In fact, the lines separating the feelings have always been very very thin.

Example;

Often we feel that it was love without realizing that it has always been jealousy all along.

God! 

I thought I could never actually write this.

Truthfully, up till now, I would still feel down sometimes.

but at least I got a strong backbone, right?

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Anyway, I think my head is now crammed with all the memories from the past.

well, 

see ya when I see ya!

With love,