End of Semester 4

It's the end of another semester. Time passes by real fast. It has been 3 years since I left USIM and entered IPG. So yeah... I'm in semester 4. The end of semester 4.

and again, I have to go through the examination. 3 papers this semester. As much as I don't want to admit it, I am actually really scared. 

Scared that I would do badly in the exam. 

Honestly, after I flunked my result in the 1st semester degree, I had lose all the confidence. lol~

I guess that's what I got for being too confident. Like Eminem said, when you get too huge, you need to shrink.

So that's pretty much what happened. Now, I feel so pathetic. You pathetic human being!

Well, for the time being, let's just be positive shall we?

"The World is three days: As for yesterday, it has vanished, along with all that was in it. As for tomorrow, you may never see it. As for today, it is yours, so work in it."

 - Hassan al Basri -

 *****

So, let's work hard together! ^^

All the best everyone!

 and...

Good Luck to my beloved 'siblings'!

'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Life must go on, that's what I felt when I first listened to 'River Flows in You' by Yiruma.

There are many times when I thought that giving up would be the best option.

It's true...

I have always had this thought 'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Somehow, tonight I just feel like writing one of the things that have been hurting me all these while.

Being a JPP, it's not easy. Dang. it's way too hard.

But I took the challenge. Maybe it's because of my promise to Appa. or maybe it's because of the responsibility, or maybe it's just me.

I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

The first meeting, I don't know why I had to choose Entrepreneurship.

Yes. I know many things about this. I thought it would be easy.

but again... I was wrong.

I took a much painful road.

I didn't complain though. because it's my choice. Therefore regret is definitely not what I intended to have.

In the past. the present or even the future.

It was my fault. I just couldn't get along with my partner, the chairman of the bureau of Entrepreneurship.

At the beginning, it was between us and he did ask me to be the chairman instead.

but I refused to. It's due to my respect for a senior, I thought he should be the one instead of me.

It's only my second semester and someone older should lead. That's what I think at that particular time.

so it begin.

We had to find the members for this bureau. I couldn't find anyone who's willing to be the members.

In that haste, I turned to my classmates asking whether they could be the members for my bureau. Asking for their help.

and they all refused. The others (from other classes) either have been a member of a bureau or just don't want to involve in this.


He brought in the members from his class and some of the juniors that he knew.

At the beginning, some of them were involved for some work regarding JPP.

but that's it. Then it's just me... and him.

I still remember this one time where I was blamed for being a short tempered person.

and I was also blamed for my failure to bring in the members from my batch.

but it's okay. All the blames, I swallowed it alone. I can do it.

and I did it. Alone.

It was painful. But it was still bearable.

Because it's not enough to 'kill' me at once.

Not long after that, another task given. Out of stress and tension, I snapped and I broke down.

because again I was questioned with the same question.

I was angry cause I have been asking around for a solution but no one paid attention I guess.

I can accept that. Because it's not their problems. why would one bother about it?

But asking me again and again irritate me.

I was reprimanded for that rather rude action.

Though I don't feel sorry at all, I said sorry.

Day by day, I went through it.

It was a foreign feeling at first but as time passes by I got used to it.

Having to cope with my classmates. They sometimes let out some sharp remarks.

I can bear with it though.

I kept on reminding myself that I was the one who made this choice.

At times, I think some of them think that I'm a fool.

A fool for letting myself involved with all these things.

Working with no benefits given.

I grew distant. Not physically.

Mentally.

In a place full of people, I am alone.

That glass wall was suffocating me.

but I felt somehow comfortable inside it.

I'd cry sometimes. but it's okay.

I have Allah.
I have Allah.
I have Allah.

That's what I told myself over and over again.

For sometimes, I had been living my life telling myself that it was my fault.

All of it.

Maybe it's because of me. Maybe if someone else were to be in that post, then things might have been better.

I tried again and again to understand him.

but I failed.

I thought it's my fault because I can't understand him.

It must be that.

Later, I grew tired of that.

In fact, I'm sick of it!

My mind started to rebel. Why is it only me? Why am I the only person who should try to understand him?

I'm sick of it!

I'm sick of everyone!

I feel like no one ever did try to understand me.

I did it all.

I gritted my teeth and did it all... alone.

I swallow the blame all of the blames thrown... alone.

so why can't anyone see that I'm hurting.

I guess people can't see all the other things that I have to face outside. Other than JPP, other than IPG.

My siblings. My fears.

At least, for now, I am secured.

But what about the others? What about the future?

They haven't passed that stage yet. They are still finding their identities.

What if they happened to slip away? and no one will be there to tell them that it's wrong?

In the past, Appa would always told me 'You'd never understand until you have your own children.'

I guess I don't have to wait for that long now.

It's hard. It's too hard.

Of course, as of now, I still have no regrets.

It's true that it's painful but I shouldn't only look at the dark side.

There were still many colourful memories.

and there were still many people that made me smile and made me feel grateful.

though it's not enough to break the wall, but I am still thankful.

and even if some of them made me feel hurt at one time, there would be the times where they were the ones who made me smile.

Because life is like that.

and human make mistakes.

me included.

In fact, I did more mistakes than others.

and imperfection is one of my traits.

Now, I think I have let it go.

I'm not a vengeful person. At least not anymore.

In fact, I won't bear any resentment towards them for a long time.

I will only treat them with vigilance.

So that I would not make the same mistakes as I did in the past.

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To those it may concern, this post was not written as a way to promote myself (since I am already fabulous and awesome enough). I did not write this to vent out my angers. It is merely written for those who wish to understand me and to answer all the questions. 
 
It is not written to gain any sympathy or to bring down other people.

Extra Notes :

Bureau of Entrepreneurship: Biro Keusahawanan
Vengeful : Seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury:
Resentment : Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
Vigilance : The action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.

It's mine after all

Hi peeps!

After thousands of years, I am determined to update again.

yeah

since I'm gonna go back to 'real' life tomorrow.

For once, just this once,

can I ditch my inner conscious and write whatever I want?

Though the consequences might be gruesome, eventually...

Nevermind.

Let's deal with that later, shall we?

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At times, I really think I should stop sucking up 

(though I don't think it's a really appropriate phrase)

Well, in my case, it's not actually the whole time.

Heck, I don't even bother what people think of me most of the times.

It had always been either my life or your life.

Not satisfied?

Then get lost.

( Though I don't really tell 'em straight to the face. Mind the manners...)

But I can see that I've been doing that to certain people mainly to get their recognition

(Always forgetting the fact that many others had always looked up to me)

 I had always hated being looked down

I guess it really has something to do with how I grow up.

Well, let's go back to the previous years.

If I were to really think about it, I was always this big since standard 1.

I mean in term of size.

and you can just imagine growing up with all the jokes and names given.

I was emotionally bullied. Totally...

and to make it worse, I had this pimple attacks when I was in Form 1 until Form 4.

In term of looks, that's what made me fail in the first place.

I was always a shy kid until I chose to step out of it.

I think it was when I was 12 years old.

Slowly, I built my own carefree personality.

It's my life.

It's mine after all.

 

 Most of the people I met from all walks of life judged me from the 1st impression.

(well, you just won't expect much from an ugly fat girl right?)

 Well, it's normal!

Even my mom used to compare me to one of my best friends in term of looks.

(Even if I'm not that close to her but she's still my mom right? and of course I'm not heartless)

Just imagine the feelings...

and just like that, being a teenager I rebelled a lot.

 No matter what happened, I must keep my head high.

I guess my passion in psychology helped me a lot.

That I was not to be blamed...

 and that those people were to be blamed for looking down on others.

 and that's how the 'I-don't-give-a-damn' personality was born.

 My father used to tell me that;

 'How we were born was never our choice but how we live the life will always be our choice'

and that inspired me a lot.

I really don't remember since when,

but I have always had this belief that GOD is always fair.

and HIS every creation is beautiful.

I believe that if I were to say it, everyone would agree.

but very few actually applied it. sadly...

Up until now, I always think that everyone is beautiful.

You are beautiful

If there's an ugly thing within a person, it would be the heart.

I think as much as I want to ignore,

I would always see the disgusted looks shot by some people.

Maybe it's the way I am.

I think it's because I'm being too open. Too carefree.

That I don't fit in if I were to be who I am.

Well, I won't deny that there are things that I should change.

but as of right now, I feel totally sick with those who had always think they're better.

Those with the 'untouchable' figure.

 Those who always question without trying to understand at all.

 Those who think they care but always failed to realize that they had made thing worsen.

 Sure we can always be conceited or a jerk at times,

but there's always a limit to it.

In fact, the lines separating the feelings have always been very very thin.

Example;

Often we feel that it was love without realizing that it has always been jealousy all along.

God! 

I thought I could never actually write this.

Truthfully, up till now, I would still feel down sometimes.

but at least I got a strong backbone, right?

`````````````````````````````

Anyway, I think my head is now crammed with all the memories from the past.

well, 

see ya when I see ya!

With love,

I'm 20... plus a day...

Finally.... after thousands of years of not visiting this blog, I'm here!

I'm 20... plus a day... lol~

and so, my birthday was spent just like that.

Compared to the year before, I didn't receive as much birthday wishes. Maybe it's because I kept my birth date hidden on fb and so, without notifications, there's only some people who really notify themselves will remember... lol~

Though I did feel just a little bit hurt when some people that I've been waitin' didn't call or send any messages...

Well, I don't blame them though coz I have done things like that before... hee~

I didn't celebrate it with my family this year. last year too... I guess...

I think after 18, I just don't care anymore. Maybe it's because at 19 and 20, I had always been alone.

Truthfully, there are times I do wish I never leave USIM because I have many people there and I know I can always turn to ctie whenever I feel lost.

Those are the times when I feel so alone here.

That's why being at IPG if I don't have anything to do anymore, no matter how late it is, no matter how far, no matter how tired I am, I always found my way back home. Coz it's lonely there.

yeah... I kinda received a lot of comments or questions bout me always going home.

but then, I couldn't simply tell them "...because I feel lonely..." that sounds too dramatic and way too weird. and I know it'll lead to many other questions...

and so I answer it the way I usually answer things. How? Hee~ Well, after years, I've learned that we didn't need to lie if we don't wanna tell. coz actually 70% of the questions are just due to formality... Most people won't pursue it further unless it is your parent or siblings.

It's a technique that I developed after years in SHAMS and I won't tell you the secrets here... huhu.

Anyway, let's ditch that... and proceed...

Another week, and another semester passed. This holiday will be exciting as there are many things for me to do instead of dwelling inside my lonely life. lol~

I should do a barbecue next saturday... hmm~ Should ask mundzir to tag along...

Actually, we've been waiting for PM to announce the date for PRU 13. and I had to admit, all the speculations are affecting my plans.

Duh! for sure I don't wanna miss this PRU. Don't wanna be somewhere else during the PRU... lol~

Memories of the last PRU in 2008 was the most memorable for it was the last PRU with abah. I still remembered that most of us cried, as abah gave a short speech right after it ended at 5.00 p.m...

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I'm going back to Malacca this 27th or 28th of May....Huhu...

Maybe I should bake a cake and visit Along first at KL before going to Malacca.

After all, this 24th May will be her 22nd birthday... lol~

Aiisshh~ I always bake cakes for others that now I just wish someone would bake a cake for me...

But never mind... it made me happy watching people eat my cakes.

I got a few photos to be uploaded but I guess I'll just upload it next time... :D

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Remember I said I'm going to operate my leg... I didn't go to the operation.

After putting much thoughts and considering everything, I'm kinda glad I didn't go.

coz if I did, I'll have to ditch many works and that will be another story...

Anyway, it's 2.46 a.m...

I should end this... lol~

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SYAKIRAH!!!! 

I'M JUST GLAD THAT YOU ARE ME!!!!

Anyway, gonna update again this weekend coz I have some stories to be shared...

Daa~


p/s: 
Dear Adek,
If you read this, u should know that I'm really really mad at you for not calling me on my birthday... 

a so-called me (30/1/2012)

current mood : so-so
listening to : A Thousand Years (Christina Perri)
thinking about : LDV powerpoint. Muahahahaha! (Aaaa! tak siap2 lagi!)

I spent my Chinese New Year holidays in Malacca this time along with my cousins, uncles, aunties and another two brother who happened to share the same parents with me. >_<

Many things got me thinking again. Sometimes, I wished I could find someone to answer this unending questions. Coz the one person who always answered my questions just happened to already transferred to the next 'world'. and I don't know when am I going to meet him again.

though I really wanted to... now.

First time arriving in Malacca, it doesn't feel awkward at all. No feelings surfaced. only the

unending feelings of responsibilities towards this family. Towards his siblings. Towards 'em all.



I couldn't really describe it in words when I heard Mundzir giving some 'tazkirah' after maghrib to

them. That kid has really grow up. and I'm proud of him. I always have...




Sometimes it's really hard being the one who saw it all but not being able to say anything.

I know that feeling. and I know we all felt the same.

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I'm actually kinda busy these days. or rather that it's the me trying to busy myself. I don't want to be alone coz I know I can't be alone.That day, on that very day, will always surface in my memories. Playing like a broken tape.

Though I know that it's hard,but never thought that it'll be this hard...

So even if I want to be alone for awhile, I still want someone to accompany me in silence.
and I kinda know that'll be very hard.
Coz there are only a few of them who can comfort me without saying anything. and none of them is here. 

I chose this path. This is my fate. Therefore I believe that I can withstand it all.

Coz I always believe that God won't hurt you.

Even if it's the thing that hurts you the most...

So far,,, is it really that tough?

I'm actually having an inner conflict on what to write for my 'English Studies' essay... Our lecturer asked us to write an essay based on this,  

"When the going gets tough, the tough gets going"


What would you write? Pretty hard huh?

Honestly, after giving much thought about it, I came to a dead end... I don't know what is actually the so-called 'tough' moments I've ever had.

It'd be an absolute lie if I said I don't have any

But, now, I don't feel like all the 'tough' moments are really tough.

At least,,, I think Li Yin had it harder than me... lol~

True it was tough at that one moment but I'd say, if I didn't undergo through all the 'toughness', would I really be who I am today?

Would I?

I think the best part of it all is that after going through it all, you'd be a better person...

if you really learn...

In Malay, they describe it as "tak mudah melatah"

That's why most of time now, I'd just smile or laugh...

Because when I feel like "this is hard", I always recalled back all those moments when I had to fight with myself, my will, all alone...

Friends? I have them...

But most of the time, I don't want to drag them with me. Coz one of my principles is; "Never drag the people I love to die with me"

Sometimes when I'm having a really hard time, there are times when I stopped and think, then I'd smile and thank HIM for not giving this hardship to the people I love.

Coz it's much painful seeing them in pain rather than experiencing it myself.

Okay, seems like my nagging is slowly getting longer...

I'm soooooo lazy~

T___T

I refuse to love and be loved...yet

I know... you guys are going to think like "What's with that title?" or maybe... "OMG! WTH?!!"

Well, I'm now listening to JYJ's fallen leaves... The very first song from JYJ that I'd give 8/10... Though I do know they sang with all their heart (I've no doubt that they're very good) but the melodies and the lyrics couldn't reach my heart... Well, that should be another whole different story...

or should I just continue to give comments about songs?

lol~ Just kidding~

So far, now I think I'm starting to live a very hectic life (on certain days) but still, somehow, though it's not easy, I could still go on, not wanting to lose...

Something I hadn't felt for quite a very long time...

So, what's up with the lonely title? lol~

Actually, I'm just wanna share something here. So that it won't continue bugging my mind...

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There, it started off rather nicely... though many things happened but I'd still consider it as a nice start but the ending... I know there are things that better left untouched...

Ignorance after all is a bliss

Here, I'd say that it didn't start out nicely to begin with... I don't know why... maybe it's because I'm just too good that they're so jealous with me? lol~ Just kidding!

but, how come I didn't feel anything being accused like that?

How come I'm not hurt at all?

How come this is nothing compared to the things I've gone through before?

and again... I kinda know the answer.

because I don't love them yet... and I know why...

It's probably because we've just known each other less than a month...

but, deep in my heart, I know I'm being more cautious this time. I cannot vow to myself to not to love anymore or to despise love coz I know, somehow, one day, that wall will definitely break.

and the most I could do is being more cautious...

So that I won't waste my tears for those who never appreciate my love

Coz love always come with a price tag...

and the price you had to pay sometimes is just too great

way too great...

that you could never afford it.
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Though I kept my head up high all the time... I'm still a girl and that's a fact.

Girls are not like men. Why did they said that girls are fragile?

coz for every girl, every woman, love is their whole life...

what kind of love it is? you judge it yourself...


How about men? Don't they love?

Yes. They do... But for men, love is only a portion, just a part of their life...

Therefore, even if a girl kept her head up high, she's probably even more fragile than the men who never had the gut to look up...


if you betray their love...

Here in IPG...

I'm missing USIM!!! lol~

Okay, feel honoured Ex-Tamhidians... coz I'm missing you guys sooo much!!!

Especially my ex-housemates, D-3-6 and TST 8 students and also some account students including shaby-kun, shiro...etc2... Ahh!!! There's so much~

huhu

but most of all, I'm missing FSU cafeteria... hak3

Food here far more expensive than in Nilai and there's not much choice either. So, as always,,, biscuits would be the best choice coz actually I'm very particular about the food I ate when I'm far from home...

I hate getting sick when I'm far from home... -_-

and as I said before, I'm not picky when it comes to food but never ask me whether it's delicious or not coz it'd be another looooong story... huhu...

Enough bout that...

Basically I'm happy being here though there are certain things somehow been bugging my mind but basically,,, that's it.

.I.AM.HAPPY.

I think being here had really change me somehow and I think it's gonna give a very huge impact to my life.

Nevertheless, it's a good change. and I liked it.

I'm grateful to HIM for giving this to me.

Sometimes, it even made me think that if I were to die without knowing so much things, it'd be a pity.

I think that's why I'm still breathing today.


and to think that I've given up on life before... -_-"


Sometimes, looking around made me unconsciously smile.

Compared to my friends back in USIM, most of them here are really matured.

Things that I rarely found in my friends back then.

but of course, there're certain things that they're still lacking such as life and experience...

Funny how that one year made so much difference in our way of thinking.

but that isn't how it is actually. Be it 1 year apart or even 10 years apart, if you're reluctant to learn the lessons, it'll be just a waste of time...

and yeah~ it's a pity...

So here, I got more 'adik'... haha!

and one of them even asked my opinion about love. lol~

Though I really want to answer him that "That kind of love is just a waste of time..."

but, I know I can't corrupt their point of view with my radical way of thinking.

lol~

Life here is a lot more easier than USIM, i'd say... Though there's lots of unexpected things but it's more fun that way. Isn't it?

Being a 'cikgu' is not bad at all~

but one more funny thing is there's only 'cikgu' here, therefore if you want a husband who work as a lawyer, or engineer, or scientist or whatever... you can't find them here... lol~

Here, we have class untill 1.15p.m, then finish! There are days that we've to go back on 3.30p.m but I'd say it's much much much better than my schedule in USIM.

and I just have to walk back to my hostel which is not that far. It's just like from FSU to the bus stand in front of FPQS...

lol~

and to think that Appa said it's quite far when he lead me to the hostel, the first day I'm here... -_-"

So, far I also liked the hostel here. It might not be that new. But I like it....

I think it's long enough...

I'll be right here again next time.

Should I write about my hostel or my course here? Hmm~ Tell me your opinion...

Till then~

p/s: Happy 19th birthday to diB. Welcome to the club 19th!!! hahaha!

Sometimes, I wish I'm 18 instead of 19.... T___T

I'm old~