24 years old. Wow! Time flies fast. Once upon a time, I wish time would fly faster. I wish I would grow up faster.
But now, I keep on thinking, 'Time, can you please slow down?'
5 years ago, I came to IPG with a very thick imaginary wall around me. Funny. I still remember the day I left USIM.
I was hurt. Heartbroken. I hate myself for loving too much.
I think I could talk about that now without feeling anything anymore. :-)
Five years ago, around April or May 2011, I was accused of lying. Deceitful, Two-faced whatever that is.
Without knowing anything, I smiled and greeted everyone. I still remember the disgusted faces, the accusing eyes. I just brushed it off at first. Not knowing anything.
Then hell broke loose. My roommate called me on the same day asking what did I do. Apparently, another roommate of mine (she's in the same course with me) suddenly said something weird.
The exact word she said "Saya tahu kenapa. Dia menipu." I was dumbfounded. The words kept on ringing in my head. Honestly, even until now, I could still remember that.
Why? What happened? What did I do?
Then I got to know, people were talking behind my back. They said that I was a two-faced bitch. That I lied to the lecturer.
Funny. No one asked me what actually happened.
Everyone wanted to save their sorry asses. lol.
So here's what happened back then.
We were having a drama competition as part of our coursework. The night before the performance, someone broke into the hall. Three tutorial groups including mine were involved. That night, there was a power outage in that hall. I did not know anything at first. We were the last group to arrive at the hall that night and not everyone in my group were there. Only then I knew, that someone broke into the hall. That we were not authorized to use the hall.
I was one of the first to be called by the lecturer as I was the director for my group's drama committee. I explained what happened to my lecturer and I agreed to take responsibility because I was there. But I disagree that my group members should take the responsibility because we were the last that reached the hall and not even half of my group members were there. Therefore, only I alone should receive the consequence because I instructed them to go there.
I apologized to my lecturer and said that I would accept any punishment. After the competition ended (or was it before that?) my lecturer once again called the leaders to the front and talked to us. It was all good until I said something at the end. I guess it sounded wrong to the others. I apologized and once again I said that my group members were innocent.
The others did not know anything. They immediately assumed that I did not want to take any responsibility. I guess they were scared back then. We were young and there were chances that we could be expelled. So that's it. Because of that 5 seconds, I was judged. Again. No one asked me.
I guess at that time, even my group members doubted me. There were those that believe in me. I was thankful I really am. Because I really did break back then. There were only so much I could handle. That time, It hadn't even been a year since I got out from depression. Falling back would be scary. That time, It hadn't even been a year since I erased all the suicidal thoughts. Therefore I was really grateful for having them behind me. My group members, Mariah, Dely, Syera, Ama, my roommates Hajar and Umi, and my best friend Ctie.
I think what hurts me the most was not those people. I did not really know them. We were just acquaintances (There were more than 300 students in my course).
What hurts me the most was the fact that the person that I love doubted me. What hurts me the most was the fact that she never asked me. Yes. My roommate. I really love her. I really did.
I guess it was one sided back then. :-)
For a very long time I did not talk to her, I could not even look at her. Not because I hated her.
But because I would cry if I even look into her eyes.
No. I could not hate her even when I tried.
I was heartbroken. So wrecked. In fact, it still hurts. :-)
I met the person again after years.
At first I hesitated a lot whether I should greet her or not.
A part of me, the childish me was angry that even back then, I never heard her saying 'I'm sorry'. But I was glad I suppressed that part of me and greeted her.
The moment I greeted her, I finally let go.
If I really love, I should have love without expecting love in return.
I guess I was too selfish back then. :-)
Dear you,
I'm sorry for hurting you,
I'm sorry for everything that I did,
I'm sorry I could not be enough,
I'm really sorry for everything,
and thank you.
Thank you for being a part of my life.
I wish you all the best.
You'll always be in my prayer.
