#1 The selfish me

24 years old. Wow! Time flies fast. Once upon a time, I wish time would fly faster. I wish I would grow up faster.

But now, I keep on thinking, 'Time, can you please slow down?'

5 years ago, I came to IPG with a very thick imaginary wall around me. Funny. I still remember the day I left USIM.

I was hurt. Heartbroken. I hate myself for loving too much.

I think I could talk about that now without feeling anything anymore. :-)

Five years ago, around April or May 2011, I was accused of lying. Deceitful, Two-faced whatever that is.

Without knowing anything, I smiled and greeted everyone. I still remember the disgusted faces, the accusing eyes. I just brushed it off at first. Not knowing anything.

Then hell broke loose. My roommate called me on the same day asking what did I do. Apparently, another roommate of mine (she's in the same course with me) suddenly said something weird.

The exact word she said "Saya tahu kenapa. Dia menipu." I was dumbfounded. The words kept on ringing in my head. Honestly, even until now, I could still remember that.

Why? What happened? What did I do?

Then I got to know, people were talking behind my back. They said that I was a two-faced bitch. That I lied to the lecturer.

Funny. No one asked me what actually happened.

Everyone wanted to save their sorry asses. lol.

So here's what happened back then.

We were having a drama competition as part of our coursework. The night before the performance, someone broke into the hall. Three tutorial groups including mine were involved. That night, there was a power outage in that hall. I did not know anything at first. We were the last group to arrive at the hall that night and not everyone in my group were there. Only then I knew, that someone broke into the hall. That we were not authorized to use the hall.

I was one of the first to be called by the lecturer as I was the director for my group's drama committee. I explained what happened to my lecturer and I agreed to take responsibility because I was there. But I disagree that my group members should take the responsibility because we were the last that reached the hall and not even half of my group members were there. Therefore, only I alone should receive the consequence because I instructed them to go there.

I apologized to my lecturer and said that I would accept any punishment. After the competition ended (or was it before that?) my lecturer once again called the leaders to the front and talked to us. It was all good until I said something at the end. I guess it sounded wrong to the others. I apologized and once again I said that my group members were innocent.

The others did not know anything. They immediately assumed that I did not want to take any responsibility. I guess they were scared back then. We were young and there were chances that we could be expelled. So that's it. Because of that 5 seconds, I was judged. Again. No one asked me.

I guess at that time, even my group members doubted me. There were those that believe in me. I was thankful I really am. Because I really did break back then. There were only so much I could handle. That time, It hadn't even been a year since I got out from depression. Falling back would be scary. That time, It hadn't even been a year since I erased all the suicidal thoughts. Therefore I was really grateful for having them behind me. My group members, Mariah, Dely, Syera, Ama, my roommates Hajar and Umi, and my best friend Ctie.

I think what hurts me the most was not those people. I did not really know them. We were just acquaintances (There were more than 300 students in my course).

What hurts me the most was the fact that the person that I love doubted me. What hurts me the most was the fact that she never asked me. Yes. My roommate. I really love her. I really did.

I guess it was one sided back then. :-)

For a very long time I did not talk to her, I could not even look at her. Not because I hated her.
But because I would cry if I even look into her eyes.

No. I could not hate her even when I tried.

I was heartbroken. So wrecked. In fact, it still hurts. :-)

I met the person again after years.

At first I hesitated a lot whether I should greet her or not.

A part of me, the childish me was angry that even back then, I never heard her saying 'I'm sorry'. But I was glad I suppressed that part of me and greeted her.

The moment I greeted her, I finally let go.

If I really love, I should have love without expecting love in return.

I guess I was too selfish back then. :-)

Dear you,
I'm sorry for hurting you, 
I'm sorry for everything that I did,
I'm sorry I could not be enough,
I'm really sorry for everything,
and thank you.
Thank you for being a part of my life. 
I wish you all the best. 
You'll always be in my prayer. 

Doughnut's Haven (^o^)

 So, for the first time I'm posting up the pics of Doughnuts that I made on 19/04/2011 right after finishing my final paper, Biology II... huhuhu~

Actually it's Hajar and Syafiqah a.k.a Saidatul's birthday (which I actually forgot... >__< I'm soo bad~)... and since we don't have much money to buy cake,,, so, I can only make doughnuts...

After around 1 hour I managed to make approximately 60 doughnuts... This time, the doughnuts are rather soft compared to the one that I made last Saturday...

and like I said, since we don't have money,,, we made a doughnut cake instead... lol~

Initially, I did these alone,,, until Dibah came and help followed by the others... That's why you can see some disoriented doughnuts... lol~

 

and so,,, that's how I finished my evening making doughnuts... ^^

seeing them eating the food I made, make me feel somewhat happy... hahaha (God! I sound like a mother!)

p/s: To those who already tasted my cooking (which includes all TST 8 students and my housemates and some others) please kindly write a testimony so that I can easily get married in the future... lol~

Though I did already have someone in mind... ^^

How about him??? *wiggle eyebrows* ^^

Hahaha! Just kidding! ^^

I see many disappointed faces just now, huh? hahahaha~

baru sedar

credits to Mir for the title... lol~

Finally, that sense knocked back into my head...

lol~ and that silly girl made me smile again today...

I wish my only and beloved Along will do well in her exam!!! :)
p/s: Hopefully my whispers would be brought to you by the wind... Along, saranghae!!! :)))

can't believe it! Now, it's the study week and the final exam is almost here!!!! Arrgghhh!!! I'm feeling pressured now...

huhuhu... really??? Hehehe

Don't know~

Mom called last night saying that she kept thinking of me... TT___TT

I'm missing home~ coz it's the only place that where I can be as strong as I can and show how weak I am... The only place where they'd protect me from the most painful words thrown by others...

These days, I kept thinking and thinking...

Thinking of Along used take care of me when I got that very painful headache.

Thinking of how Mundzir used to take care of me when I cannot walk.
Thinking of how Sakinah always cook for me though she said the opposite.
Thinking of how Dudin used to make me feel protected when we go out together.
Thinking of how Wahidah used to get angry when I asked her to do some work.
Thinking how they used to protest when I gave them the order to do the house chores.

Thinking back,,, my little brothers and lil sisters had already grown...

In the future, will I get the same love they've given to me from others???

I don't think so...

If I were given a chance, whether to go through this one year again or not??? if it's two months ago, I would never hesitate to say YES. but, now, it's a definite NO.

coz the pain I've been through is not worth it. Somehow,,, it's not.

Teacher's right, sometimes, it'll start happily, but the ending is ..........

Let's forget all of these. Let's forget all the pain. Let's smile again.

: )

Just sooo random~

I'm practicing for the debate tonight.... and so,,, while waiting for them to finish, I went to Umi's group discussion on the other side of the cafe...

and so,,, we take some pics... me, umi and shaby-kun... lol~

bla... bla... bla...

Just one short entry before going to campus...

so bla... bla... bla...

I'm so sleepy... not enough sleep~ Only 2 hours...

I need to finish the script for english drama ASAP!

so... what else? Critical thinking!

Brilliant!

lol~

so, let's post up some pics shall I?hahaha

During Arabic presentation

Eating!

Lol~ Mary~

In Tutorial class

Amalina and Ida

 and finally, here's another one...

Borhan! hak3

so... I'm going!

Bye!!!

1...2...3...Smile!

feel like updating now...
and 1...2...3 and smile! What's that?

It's actually a title of a malay novel (1...2...3...Senyum!) that I tried to make, once... but now,,,, -__-" I guess the passion doesn't last long huh?

Today I went to a DATE... and it was very very very fun! (minus the nagging that I got from Along) lol~ but, I think I'm gonna write bout that later after Mir uploaded that pic...

Currently listening to a song... Me & song...(it's common right?)
hahaha

No mood to make cover songs... the last one I did with shaby-kun and umi which by the way, is not complete yet... Just so you know, I.am.lazy.

so,,, 1...2...3...smile!
what's that???

Sya'ak : don't know *shrugged off*

so, let's ditch the title and nag for awhile, shall we?

Being wronged, being judged by people made me damn depressed... not always... just sometimes.
tsk...tsk...tsk...
No matter how much I tell myself that you Sya'ak, should never depend on others! should never care bout how they look at you!
It'll make you weak...
It'll make you cry...
and most importantly,,, it'll make you lose the faith...


Once, I told a friend... don't expect people to be on your side all the times. coz they're just human being.
one day, they'll leave you...
No matter how much you love them... One day, they'll left.
Instead, be strong and always believe that you have Allah...
be on bright days or stormy days...
but,,, how many of us actually do that???

Ahem,,, I guess, some will misunderstand my words if I don't do further explanation...
It doesn't mean that you don't have to find friends... friends are necessary...
they're important in one's life...
It's just that,,, never expect them to always be on your side... even your families...

I think there are some words I always tell people around me, especially to those who I treasure the most...
"If one day, you finally found your future, your life, something that you value, or maybe just something better than being with me... Just leave me, I won't mind, I won't stop you, just don't expect me to walk along with you once you've chosen... One thing though, you must remember, when you don't have anyone to turn to, just look back and you'll find me..."

I'm not kidding, I did told them... maybe some... not all...
It's just that I usually use Malay... (Don't expect me to always use english...lol~ my tongue need a little break~)

What I want to imply in my nagging today is just,,, never expect for sympathy nor empathy...
It's pathetic...
Being sad is okay, telling others is okay, but don't expect for sympathy... Expect that from Allah!

I know some people around me like this...
and I don't give a damn!
coz you don't even try to face the life, yet wanting me to be with you...

Apparently, I.won't.do.that.

When you try to face it strongly yet you failed, I'll give my hand and pull you up again...

and once I give my hand I would never back off and leave you...

I'll make sure, in the end,

It'll be you who'll left...


so,,, 1...2...3...Let's smile!

p/s : This post is dedicated to all my friends and specially written for someone... one word for that someone, let's stop living this life pathetically and open your eyes...

What makes a human?

I told a friend once, to be a human you should never hide when something goes wrong... Face everything straight away and never afraid making mistakes... never be afraid to say your opinion. There's no right or wrong in opinion, only the evidences that made the difference.

but suddenly today, I realized... that they're still far away from that....

way too far...

am I being too harsh? or is it them that still couldn't understand the reality?

That the world today is far more harsh than that...

Am I wrong? Trying to teach them the way it is?

Or should I just let them? and watch from far away?

and smile when they experienced the pain?

No, I could never do that.

What's wrong? I don't even give a damn if they hate me.

but today, I felt something pricked my heart.

Tell me... How are you going to face the future if you're going to be like this?

19 years living in this world and you still couldn't figure out this heartless world.

and yet grumbling when I'm being firm...

whatever...

Living this life is tiring~

BBQ KTS 3

lol... after wandering around facebook, I found pics taken when we had our first BBQ last Thursday which happened to be Thaipusam day...
That day started at 7.45 a.m when Nadiani came and wake me up (which I strongly refused to)... hehe... then she said, "Sya'ak, dah pukul 9..." and with that, I instantly got up and dressed within 5 minutes and the next 3 minutes, we're already down waiting for Mariah, and at approximately 9a.m, we're on the way to Nilai 3... to buy 7 err... no... 8 chickens (since I'm also cooking for my housemates)
so, 9 a.m, I started to clean the chickens and prepare to cook...
so and so... we started with soup and then with the chicken rice... At first, it's just me and Nadiani... then, I called Mariah to help... lol... and so, the three of us 'live and die' together... literally...hahaha


5p.m, we started barbecuing, starting with the sausages... and started to serve all the chicken rice...
Teacher Bio, Madam Shams and Teacher Math, Miss Faeza also joined us.
We also had ice -cream... haha

Afifi and Borhan

Waiting for the chicken

KTS 3 Group 8

KTS 3 Group 7

so, that's all... huhuhu....
I hope that we'll all do well in mid-sem this 27 and 28 January 2011...

My RoOmMates ^^

 I realized I never write about my roommates inside this blog... lol...

Ned, you'll have to bear with this coz you don't have any... hehe :p

I have 3 roommates because the room occupied by us now is the master bedroom. It's not that large though... Imagine, 4 person, 2 lockers, 1 table, 2 double-decker bed.... Nevertheless, we are happy... Hahaha!

I'll introduce Hajar (the one with black tudung) first then since her pic is on top... She's from Pahang, a second daughter just like me. We got the most common interests and she, though I don't wanna write it here (since she might continue to brag bout this) okay2, fine,,, she's quite kind... A nice girl indeed but she's a little bit manly in her actions but definitely not her feelings... Hak3

 The 2nd one would be umi ( the one at the back with glasses)... Actually the chubbier one is Ctie's roommates named Shabirah. But I called her Shaby-kun... lol... Okay, back to umi, she's also the second daughter but the only difference is she doesn't have any other siblings aside from her older brother. She's from Klang, Selangor.

Hajar, Umi and Shaby-kun are the accounting students which is the reason why many accounting students know me... lol

The last one would be Nadiani, a cute girl indeed... Hahahaha... she's in the same course with me, Science and Technology... We live and die together... hak3... Well, not really. We're in the same lecture group but in different tutorial group since she's in group 7 and I'm in the group 8...

She's a Kelantanese... This pic was taken when we're waiting for the bus together. Hahaha...

Okay, so... what else? Anything else?? Hmmm...

I think that's all for this n3, I'm actually waiting for pizza from umi... One more thing, actually, though our room is quite crowded, but it gets really lonely when they're not here.... Like now,,, huhuhu.....

Okay, that's all... Daa~

Back again~

If you notice, I already removed the on-hiatus term. Meaning that I'm back! lol...

Ignore it...

so, Why the sudden change?

I got an e-mail recently from my so called secret admirer telling me to quit living like this. Strange. Seemed like she understands me so much though we just only knew each other not more than 6 months. But, no matter how, I know she's telling me to live my life not to waste my life. Knowing that writing is my life and all that...

Now, people might question why they always see me carrying my laptop around? lol...

Simple. Coz it's my life. What did I write? Diary?

No. Not necessarily... coz if any of you ever read my diary, you won't really understand what I wrote. It's pretty much like a poem rather than a diary.

In a simple word, I've already grown attached to this lappy...

Final exam is coming soon... Yeah... I know, I know...

I'm a mess... T___T



physics? Math? biscuit? hp? and definitely my beloved lappy? ^^

Life is really that difficult, huh?

Currently listening to random songs... x__X

I.DON'T.WANT.TO.GO.TO.THE.CAMPUS.TOMORROW!!!!!

Enough with the whine...

So, anyone have the song Saleem, tinggal kenangan??? I've been wanting to listen to it... Missing home? probably... coz I called it as our song...

I'm getting strange cravings for plum nowadays...lol... Not really strange coz I've always like that fruit... Last time I tried to find plum at Giant Nilai didn't found it... T___T

Final

It's really been a long time since I visit this blog. Not that I already forgot bout this blog, but it's just due to other things I got to do. I'm actually also on-hiatus term for my fanfics and other blogs except for one.

I'm still actually on-hiatus but today, I just felt like posting up a new n3...

2 weeks more... It seemed like I'm hyperventilating more nowadays... Even the slightest mistake could make me suddenly angry (well, given my temper)...

Don't know how to describe it. But, it definitely got something to do with the final exam... I wish I could calm myself now.

Sometimes, I asked myself, what am I doing here? and the answer??? that's for me to know and for you to figure out.

Now, just please don't ask me that question coz I couldn't give the answer to you...

It's tiring

Isn't it?

Today, wake up at 5.00a.m then sahur then go back to sleep then wake up at 6.45a.m then solat subuh then take a bath then dress up then take the bag then walk down the stairs then wait for the bus then wait and wait again...

hehe

I arrived at USIM around 8.17a.m... Class started at 8.30a.m... still early~ Living a life like this is tiring right? waiting... waiting... and waiting... with no end!
Pathetic isn't it? -_-"

I missed being home~

I spent my weekends with along, ctie and Mak chik's family... and we go back to Melaka... but not nyalas... and we went to visit Mak Long in Malacca Hospital...

and just like that, I finished my weekends...

This coming Thursday, there'll be a math quiz... Geez~ These quizzes will definitely be the death of me one of these days...

Oh, did I mention I got a very bad result for the recent bio quiz? The answer is simple, I forgot to study~ T___T

Depressing isn't it? I think people around me are more depressed when they looked how I manage my own life... Well, can't do anything bout that... I'm living my own life... haha

Not funny...

19 days to go... Urm... So, what am I going to eat for berbuka today??? It doesn't matter... After all we eat because we're hungry... So the aim is for the hunger to go far far away...
Okay, I think I'm being ridiculous here...

Definitely....

Time's up! Got to go praying now...

Daa~

Life in USIM part 2

I have a thought to write this post long ago but since I don't have that much time.... (busy doing laundry...etc... keke)

I actually got to give my very official statement regarding the students of Science Technology Group B.... They're mostly cute and adorable... Hak3

Starting from the captain (who got this certain habit of eating lollipop during lectures) and to the students who sometimes whining to the lecturers...(except for me of course...)

It made me think, are they just graduated from the kindergarten??? -_-"

Actually, studying here most of the times made me dead tired... Huhu (Is it true???)

Anyway, just to inform you guys,
New definition for beauty is certainly Nursyakirah Binti Razalli (Haha... My housemates just went -_-".... because I kept saying that... mostly to tease them...)

Last night I was having fun through video chatting with My family, and Ned. I should do that often... (Certainly!!!)

Currently, I'm waiting for ustaz Sanusi to come for Arabic... (Gosh! Another Arabic class... >_<... T___T

Still, I'm going to try my best to open my eyes throughout the whole class... (Though I don't really understand what he's saying.... hehe)

It's 8.19a.m now and I have to stop writing...

Just to inform you guys, I'm going to challenge myself writing 50 stories within a month... I think it'll be mostly one-shot... Hak3...

Okay, that's all...

Daa~

Currently in D-3-3-1

Hua3....

Actually, last night I slept at Ctie's home... opps... room to be exact... I slept at 3.00 a.m last night since I got to access streamyx zone here... (thanx to along!!! hua3)

Anyway, I think I got a new habit of downloading from the certain girl named Hajar... haha... But I only downloaded thing involving Zhang Li Yin just because... urm... maybe coz I miss her too much...

Living in USIM taught me so much things involving life. Well, as you grew older, you'll experience more things and from that, you'll grow. Haha... Actually, my housemates said that I'm already 30 years old... -_-" (Well, juz because the way I think is quite... ur... figure it urself...)

Now, I'm still at Ctie's house.... Geez~

Hehe....

I'm going to boost my posts at chocolyn (maybe) before I go back to my house... haha!

Daa~

First time in Pavillion

haha! Seronok giler maen netball td...
(Bak kate Hajar, S-E-R-O-N-O-K....)

Pagi tadi turun la aku di Pavillion USIM buat pertama kalinya... Ni la sukan first kitorg kat USIM. Tadi gabung kumpulan tutorial, Group 8 & 9... Best2... Ader r aktiviti skit... Then, maen netball. Ader yang maen bola tampar... Tp, yer la... Klu ak maen bola tampar, tampar je 2 kali confirm terus lebam tangan...

Aku jd GK td... Syok giler r maen... (w'pun ak lg ske bola baling...) Kaki aku sakit skit td sbb lps maen terus masuk bilik kuliah... Sejuk2.... Sengal giler... Ye la... Aku kan iron woman... Mne bley duk lam air cond lme2... Beku kang... T___T

Currently, I'm in my room. Ntah camne, tbe2 dpt access streamyx zone kt cnie (Biasenye ak kne turun ke cafe)... Hua3... Best2... I'm listening to Zhang Li Yin's Yeoinniyeoh a.k.a Lover... Don't know why, but I felt like listening to sad song now... Geez~

Yesterday, for the first time, I kept my eyes open for the whole time in Quranic hadith lecture... Hua3... although, I don't really understand what ustaz's said... anyway, that's the first record... Usually, from the bismillah...... till wallahua'lam... I slept just peacefully... Hehe...

Sya'ak, Him Nae!!!!

Hua3!!!

Lupe nak mention, actually, ak jpe sorang bdk lelaki science tech B pakai tongkat... Hua3!!! Terkenang zman dolu2... Nostalgia giler!!!! Kadang2, cian gak tgk... yer r... ak kn 'org lame'.... kire cam senior r dlm bab pakai tongkat ni... Haha...

Enough for that crap... Huhu... Actually, there's too much clothes to wash... Aaaaaaa!!!! Malas!!! Malas!!!! Malas!!!!


Ok la...

Sekian sahaje untuk bebelan saye kali ini...

Daa~

7.58 a.m... in BTS 2.10

I don't know how to start this post... hmm... but, I'm updating because of a certain someone who suddenly called me last night...

Actually, I couldn't view the shoutbox because USIM's web filter already filtered that thing... As a result, i can't view it much. Maybe I'll change that shoutbox later...

It's been more than a month I'm here, far away from home and surprisingly I'm taking quite a good care of myself when it comes to medicine. Remember, I hate eating medicine since it required me to remember the times... *sigh* Anyway, i managed to eat those medicine at the right times...

Last night, I started to study chemistry and math back. Well, i think I should give it a try again since I'm going to stay in USIM... Huhu...

Tonight, I'm thinking about going to Ctie's house... Hehe...

Anyway, it's 8.07a.m now... I have a tutorial at 8.30 a.m... and guess what, it's ARABIC!!!

muahaha!
I'm going to prepare myself mentally and physically.... T___T

Daa~

p/s:
to dib; bile awk msuk 6ti, ktorg gi r mlawat... tu pun klu ad mse r...
to ned; byk r mu... igt ak wt lwak ker... ces... T___T
to along; Pegoppa....
to ctie; Mane buku Quranic aku???!!!!!!!!!!!
to Mir; Miss u....

Tensen2...

Akibat menjadi penunggu di bus stand dpn FSU, ak jd tensen.... Bas tu lalu, tp, lgsg x berenti... buat bodo jer.... T_______________T

Lalu aku pn call ctie yg tgh rajinnya mendaki bangunan FST atau lbey dikenali dgn name bgunn tamhidi.... Ktorg jnji nk jumpe kat cafe fsu... aku pn pergi r... daa settle down cantek je kat cafe tu......

Tibe2, ctie pn msg,

Uit,kte mkn kt fqs r.murah sket...


Lalu aku pn galas beg dan turun ke fqs... *sigh*

Tibe2 die pn kol blik........

ctie : syak, kt fqs tadop lauk r....

Aaaaaaaaaaaa!!!!!!!!!!! kne daki blik tgge2 yg mengerikan tu utk kembali ke cafe fsu....
Cesz....

Itulaa, dlu mse gi ke SMK Pengkalan Berangan, ske2 je hoping dpt blajar kat skol yg ade bukit2... pemandangan cantek la konon....

padan muke.....

Apepun td kitorg mkn...

ak mkn ikan keli... huhu... sedap3


ni la ctie, jas n mirah...

Ak ad kt tepi komp ni... hehe...

k r... nk gi solat....

Bas x taw smpai kul brape..... (Tensen tul... Nk kol kidin tny bas smpai cnie kul wpe... hehe)

Daa~

p/s : Doakan kitorg slamat smpai kt camellia court.... huhu

LiFe iN USIM x_____x

Ahlan wasahlan fi USIM... muahaha... udah gile aku ngan bahasa arab kt cnie... T_T

Td tutorial Bahasa Arab n like typical Sya'ak Lee, aku pun tertidur... Ye la... Udah le ustaz cakap full arab... aku pun... ape lagi... ana wa ana wa anta wa ana..... zzzzzzzzzzzZZZZZZZZZZZZ

hehe... Can't help it...lol

Duk cnie 3 mggu, rsenye kalah buku Harry Potter klu aku tulis ketensionan aku... But like always, when I felt life is getting harder, the next moment He made me feel lighter and happier. Making me feel like I'm blessed to stand and to be here... (though it's obvious I'm sitting on the chair...hehe)

Ctie ad dcnie (noted at 11.09 a.m)

Jap lg ak ad kuliah kul 11.30... T___T

Ctie free smpai 2.30... x___x

Tp, x pe... esk ak ad 1 je kuliah... tu pun 1 jam.... huhuhu....

Actually, ak x bwk purse hri ni... so, mkn gne duet ctie r dlu... hehehe... (time kacih ctie...)

Ak duk tingkat 3 kat hostel. Ad 8 org dlm rumah. Ktorg 4 org sebilik... T___T W'pun rmai, tp since diorg sume kool je, ok r... Roommate ak sorg budak selangor, 1 pahang, 1 kelate... Kecoh gile umh ktorg... hua3...

One day nnti, ak akn ambik gmbar diorg n upload cnie... Tp, next time r... hehe

For the meantime... ini gmbr ak n ctie kat cafe FSU...





Ak dh lmbt.... Aaaaaa!!!

Daa~