2019

It's 2020! 🥳

Alhamdulillah, we ended 2019 tonight.

Many things happened last year. Last year was considered eventful. I experienced a lot of new things and met a lot of new people.

Last year, I learned a lot of valuable lessons.

Lessons that helped me grow.

Lessons that shaped me to be a better person.

Lessons that showed me how to love myself.

I had always hated December. December is the coldest, gloomiest month of the year.

For several years, Sadness hit me the hardest during the last few months of the year.

So, I had always hated the end of the year. It was a vicious cycle.

However 2019 was quite different.

I think, as compared to the last few years, I had become more and more expressive.

I used to deny my feelings.

I used to put up a strong front.

I used to hate how weak I am whenever I feel down.

It was hard for me to emotionally depend on someone.

Yet what I experienced in the past 2 years taught me a lot on how to deal with myself.

I learned the valuable lesson of accepting myself.

I learned to be frank with myself and be vocal about what I feel.
I learned to truly trust people and that you can depend on someone.

I learned and understand that there are many things that is out of our control and that’s okay.

I learned to let go and free my hearts when it’s something that is beyond my control.

I learned to depend more and more to Allah.

Letting go doesn’t mean that I’m giving up.

Nope. I didn’t give up. It’s ridiculous to give up after all my efforts.

I’m just leaving everything to Allah because there are many things that are beyond our control.

I had no regrets because I did everything I could.

I trust that Allah would grant it to me if it’s meant to be.

And if He didn’t, He’ll grant something better.

After all, Allah is The Best Planner.

Even all the unanswered prayers would be rewarded later in Akhirat.

I’ve got nothing to lose.

As of now, I’m trying to focus more on the positive side of everything.

I’m trying to be a better person.

I remember, around April 2019, I wrote 8 things that I really wanted to do.

And without realizing, I’ve achieved 2 and I’m working my way on another 2.

InsyaAllah, I’ll try to achieve them before I turn 35.

There was a time, years ago when I realized that I’m getting older and older. I started to feel anxious. There were so many things that I wanted to do.

Yet so little time.

I felt like I haven’t achieved anything.

So I pushed myself really hard, trying to do everything alone and it came to a crucial point where I suddenly found myself in the state of holding on and giving up.

I was 24 at that time.

It hurt me so much that there was a time I really stop and gave up.

But, a part of me, a very very small part of me fought hard.

Haha. That’s probably the part that helped me to get out of my depression.

So I got back on my feet.

Believe me, battling my emotions is my hardest battle.

Allah give us humans many tests to see if we are worthy of heaven.

Everyone is given a different test.

And my hardest test is probably dealing with my own emotions.

May Allah continue to guide me.

2019.

I got a lot of things to be grateful to.

The people around me, everything that I have, everything that I experienced, good or bad, and even the things that broke my heart is a blessing.

To those reading this, thank you for being in my life.

You are the reason I'm 'alive'. 

Allah had been kind to me.

May Allah continue to guide me. Amin…