May Allah Ease This

Too many things to do. 

Too little time. 

My steps feel heavy but I have no choice. 

I have to keep on walking. 

Since young, I've shouldered so many responsibilities. 

Trying to push myself past the limits every single time. 

I'd mock myself, 'Is this all you could do? Look at those people, they can do it so why can't you? You're weak.' 

I guess that's how I surpassed my limits every time. 

Years ago, when I was deep in depression, I wanted to die. 

So I prayed every day for Him to take my life. 

But even after granting all my other prayers. God didn't grant that one. 

Somehow I knew the reasons.  There's a long way ahead.

There are 'debts' that I need to pay. And right now, my only wish is for the strength to go through this path. No. I shouldn't ask for strength. I should ask Allah to ease everything for me. 

You're strong. I really really hate this word. I'm tired of being strong. 

May Allah ease everything. Amin... 

This post is not exactly written on this date but with excerpts and notes written on the particular date of this event. 

Abah's Quirks

This morning, I was putting my things into my bag when a memory suddenly flashed by my mind.

"Abah nok beli beg laptop se. Beg Mickey Mouse," and he looked at me teasingly.

I bought a bag with Mickey Mouse prints on it. My mom disapproved me buying and using bag with cartoon prints and I couldn't understand why. So we had an argument. It went on for several weeks. 🤣🤣🤣

Abah didn't exactly stop mom scolding me (they don't interfere each other when someone is doing the scolding) and he didn't scold me either for using that bag. If it was something outrageous, Abah would have just use his eyes and I would have thrown that bag.

I don't know, today I just sort of remember his teasing smile. He liked to make up stories. At first it sounded real until you question the details. 

When he lied, his eyes would sort of twitch, his nose would expand just a little bit, and the corner of his lips would sort of twitch. It's a very subtle change. You won't even notice it if you don't look at his face carefully. 🤣

His favourite story is the story of a big bird, catching a kid and bringing him away, separating him from his family. How the kid cried because he couldn't see his mom.

Or... how to fry a whale. We'd discuss at length on how big the wok should be, how many oil should we use. He never answered me though when I asked 'Why can't we just cut up the fish? Then we can just fry it inside the normal wok that we have' 🤣

Or... how we should sell a helicopter to be rich. He never answered my question 'Where can we get a helicopter that we can sell?' 🤣

I'll stop now because it made feel a bit sad. Haha. 

Nowadays Dudin picked up his skill. 😌 Creating stories out of nowhere. 🤣 With a totally straight face too. 😌

I miss him. I miss us. 

This post is not exactly written on this date but with excerpts and notes written on the particular date of this event. 

This Darkness

When I was a child,

I used to envy people who had everything.

I used to envy those who have so much confidence.

Those who were liked by everyone

Now, I don't.

Because now I know, in order to gain the things that they had, in order to stand with so much confidence, I order to be liked by everyone, they must have had to give up many things as well. 

Allah is fair. 

Some people look at me with with some sort of fascination. 

My friends used to envy my confidence. My ability to stand tall and speak in front without any fear. How I seemed to have so much energy. How I can laugh and be happy all the time. They tend to get drawned to the light that I emit. 

But they never knew. They never asked what I had to give up to gain this. 

They couldn't see the other side of me. The side that only those whom I allowed to stay close to me see. 

The very deep darkness that I have within. 

Honestly, right now...

Suddenly I feel so tired.

Like all my energy get sucked out.

I suddenly fall into darkness. 

Suddenly, I started to hate myself.

Suddenly, I feel like I worth nothing. 

I know how much light I have.

But within the light, there's an equal amount of darkness.

And right now, it won.

I'm pretty sure you can't stand my darkness. So, forgive me when I put up this wall. 

9 February 2020, 11:45 p.m 

The day the demon win. 

This post is not exactly written on this date but with excerpts and notes written on the particular date of this event.