This Darkness

When I was a child,

I used to envy people who had everything.

I used to envy those who have so much confidence.

Those who were liked by everyone

Now, I don't.

Because now I know, in order to gain the things that they had, in order to stand with so much confidence, I order to be liked by everyone, they must have had to give up many things as well. 

Allah is fair. 

Some people look at me with with some sort of fascination. 

My friends used to envy my confidence. My ability to stand tall and speak in front without any fear. How I seemed to have so much energy. How I can laugh and be happy all the time. They tend to get drawned to the light that I emit. 

But they never knew. They never asked what I had to give up to gain this. 

They couldn't see the other side of me. The side that only those whom I allowed to stay close to me see. 

The very deep darkness that I have within. 

Honestly, right now...

Suddenly I feel so tired.

Like all my energy get sucked out.

I suddenly fall into darkness. 

Suddenly, I started to hate myself.

Suddenly, I feel like I worth nothing. 

I know how much light I have.

But within the light, there's an equal amount of darkness.

And right now, it won.

I'm pretty sure you can't stand my darkness. So, forgive me when I put up this wall. 

9 February 2020, 11:45 p.m 

The day the demon win. 

This post is not exactly written on this date but with excerpts and notes written on the particular date of this event.