a so-called me (30/1/2012)

current mood : so-so
listening to : A Thousand Years (Christina Perri)
thinking about : LDV powerpoint. Muahahahaha! (Aaaa! tak siap2 lagi!)

I spent my Chinese New Year holidays in Malacca this time along with my cousins, uncles, aunties and another two brother who happened to share the same parents with me. >_<

Many things got me thinking again. Sometimes, I wished I could find someone to answer this unending questions. Coz the one person who always answered my questions just happened to already transferred to the next 'world'. and I don't know when am I going to meet him again.

though I really wanted to... now.

First time arriving in Malacca, it doesn't feel awkward at all. No feelings surfaced. only the

unending feelings of responsibilities towards this family. Towards his siblings. Towards 'em all.



I couldn't really describe it in words when I heard Mundzir giving some 'tazkirah' after maghrib to

them. That kid has really grow up. and I'm proud of him. I always have...




Sometimes it's really hard being the one who saw it all but not being able to say anything.

I know that feeling. and I know we all felt the same.

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I'm actually kinda busy these days. or rather that it's the me trying to busy myself. I don't want to be alone coz I know I can't be alone.That day, on that very day, will always surface in my memories. Playing like a broken tape.

Though I know that it's hard,but never thought that it'll be this hard...

So even if I want to be alone for awhile, I still want someone to accompany me in silence.
and I kinda know that'll be very hard.
Coz there are only a few of them who can comfort me without saying anything. and none of them is here. 

I chose this path. This is my fate. Therefore I believe that I can withstand it all.

Coz I always believe that God won't hurt you.

Even if it's the thing that hurts you the most...

it wasn't really all that

seems like I haven't visited this blog like...forever?

No wonder jun-chan had been nagging me a lot lately to update this blog. =_=

well, again I should warn you guys that this post is going nowhere and since this is my blog and my post so you can't do much about it...

In other words, just bear with it. or better yet, just leave.

This really reminds me of 'Chained Mistakes'. Being random is the charm of this story. ^^

A lot had been going around lately. Sometimes I really feel the need to yell at everyone.

Yeah, me included. sadly...



I still have a long way to go with my temper.

and no need to mock me. Jun-chan had done that. courtesy of vivian.

 really... Did I actually took life for granted?

Don't know. and since sometimes, I kinda hate reality, so let's just put a dot here.

Enough of that part.

Last time, I had a talk with mundzir while making donuts together. yes. together. Since he'd like a smaller and cuter version of donuts so I let him made some for himself.

But the size of the donuts are not the major topic here. We actually talked about each other. and how he said that he really hate girls like me.

and I was like... hehe... hey, no biggie bro. Actually, the feeling is kinda mutual here babe. muahaha!

We talked some more and I told him why I don't think I'm going to get married. It's simply because of the guys like him. lol~

and another thing is... I hate being dominated. I don't like people telling me what to do.

Well, it's okay for me to say this because I'm not being tied down yet. and I don't have that kind of thoughts yet. and most importantly I'm not hopelessly in love now.

<-----Well,,, maybe if I'm like this in the future, I'll take back my words. lol~


In simpler words, I'm afraid of someone like me. lol~ It's really ironic. Haish~ even I myself don't want to find someone like me as a partner. hehe~

I'm really hateful right?

 *depressed mode*

 
But though I'm saying this and whatever you're going to think about me in the future, I still love the people I love.

Yeah. Maybe the things that I said are true.

and maybe sometimes I hate how Mundzir or Dudin act. or even always get pissed off with Kinah and Adek... and Along too. lol~

There were really times when we feel that we couldn't stand each other... but that's just it. It's just a feeling, not the reality. The reality is that we accept each other for what we are. Flaws and all.

so actually, hatred, fear, confusion, anger... it wasn't really all that.

After all, they still love me for who I am.

p/s: even though they were always being scolded for no reason... hehe.