It's mine after all

Hi peeps!

After thousands of years, I am determined to update again.

yeah

since I'm gonna go back to 'real' life tomorrow.

For once, just this once,

can I ditch my inner conscious and write whatever I want?

Though the consequences might be gruesome, eventually...

Nevermind.

Let's deal with that later, shall we?

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At times, I really think I should stop sucking up 

(though I don't think it's a really appropriate phrase)

Well, in my case, it's not actually the whole time.

Heck, I don't even bother what people think of me most of the times.

It had always been either my life or your life.

Not satisfied?

Then get lost.

( Though I don't really tell 'em straight to the face. Mind the manners...)

But I can see that I've been doing that to certain people mainly to get their recognition

(Always forgetting the fact that many others had always looked up to me)

 I had always hated being looked down

I guess it really has something to do with how I grow up.

Well, let's go back to the previous years.

If I were to really think about it, I was always this big since standard 1.

I mean in term of size.

and you can just imagine growing up with all the jokes and names given.

I was emotionally bullied. Totally...

and to make it worse, I had this pimple attacks when I was in Form 1 until Form 4.

In term of looks, that's what made me fail in the first place.

I was always a shy kid until I chose to step out of it.

I think it was when I was 12 years old.

Slowly, I built my own carefree personality.

It's my life.

It's mine after all.

 

 Most of the people I met from all walks of life judged me from the 1st impression.

(well, you just won't expect much from an ugly fat girl right?)

 Well, it's normal!

Even my mom used to compare me to one of my best friends in term of looks.

(Even if I'm not that close to her but she's still my mom right? and of course I'm not heartless)

Just imagine the feelings...

and just like that, being a teenager I rebelled a lot.

 No matter what happened, I must keep my head high.

I guess my passion in psychology helped me a lot.

That I was not to be blamed...

 and that those people were to be blamed for looking down on others.

 and that's how the 'I-don't-give-a-damn' personality was born.

 My father used to tell me that;

 'How we were born was never our choice but how we live the life will always be our choice'

and that inspired me a lot.

I really don't remember since when,

but I have always had this belief that GOD is always fair.

and HIS every creation is beautiful.

I believe that if I were to say it, everyone would agree.

but very few actually applied it. sadly...

Up until now, I always think that everyone is beautiful.

You are beautiful

If there's an ugly thing within a person, it would be the heart.

I think as much as I want to ignore,

I would always see the disgusted looks shot by some people.

Maybe it's the way I am.

I think it's because I'm being too open. Too carefree.

That I don't fit in if I were to be who I am.

Well, I won't deny that there are things that I should change.

but as of right now, I feel totally sick with those who had always think they're better.

Those with the 'untouchable' figure.

 Those who always question without trying to understand at all.

 Those who think they care but always failed to realize that they had made thing worsen.

 Sure we can always be conceited or a jerk at times,

but there's always a limit to it.

In fact, the lines separating the feelings have always been very very thin.

Example;

Often we feel that it was love without realizing that it has always been jealousy all along.

God! 

I thought I could never actually write this.

Truthfully, up till now, I would still feel down sometimes.

but at least I got a strong backbone, right?

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Anyway, I think my head is now crammed with all the memories from the past.

well, 

see ya when I see ya!

With love,