2017

          I couldn't find a better title to define this post other than 2017. This post is going to be a really long post so if you're not interested in my life, I would suggest you watching videos on Youtube. Like the video when cats got drowned in catnip. hahaha.

          2017 and I'm 25 years old. Time flies real fast. I used to want to grow up quickly because I wanted to do things on my own. I wanted to be what I want to be... But adults' world is not all that fun. When I realized that, I've already grown and just like that, I have to suck it up and live.

          I started working this year. To be exact, I started working on 2nd May 2017 in Kuala Lumpur. Actually, I resented the idea of working in KL. I resented it so much that for months, I had no desire to acknowledge that KL now is my home. In my mind, anywhere else is fine but not KL. I guess God has His own reasons sending me there. Now, after almost 8 months, I started to acknowledge KL as my home.

          Few months before that, I wanted to leave. I wanted to go far away because it's suffocating. Many didn't know this, but at times, I felt suffocated... I felt like a caged bird. I felt like I didn't have any freedom to do what I want. Sometimes, I question myself, why did I felt so when my mother actually love me so much. She loves me more than anything but why on earth do I feel so. I thought about this for a very long time. Honestly, I still don't have the exact answer.

          Perhaps, it's love. Perhaps it's me. I'm not sure. There's one thing I'm sure though, I love my mother so much that in the end, all of those, did not matter much. Perhaps, one day, when I have a child of my own, I would understand that. At times, I do wonder, how can a woman give everything up for her child. But then, even if I know it, I could never truly understand it because I've never experienced it yet.

           Now that I started writing this, I realized that I rarely mentioned 'The Siblings' in this blog. In the first place, I didn't really write entries in this blog. So that's probably why they weren't mentioned much. They're one of my closest friends in IPG until now. Technically, there are 7 of us. Afif, Nazmi, Sabrina, Ife, Aini, Linda and me. After IPG, we get posted in different states. Afif, Sabrina and me in KL. Nazmi in Johor. Aini and Linda in Kuantan and Ife in Malacca. 

          Naturally, Afif, Sabrina and me stick together. Honestly, I didn't know about the future but I think the 7 of us wouldn't probably last as 7. We might start as 7, but to remain 7, it would take understanding, tolerance and commitment from each one of us. I know, they would probably feel sad if they read this. They would probably even hate me. Anyway, let the future decides for us. Whatever happen though, they each had a special place in my heart. Places that would probably last a lifetime.

            As of now, I'm good. Everything's good. 

Don't ever forget me ^^

      Lately I've been here several times and I find it funny how I stopped saying 'Hi' in my last posts. Part of it, might be due to the realization that no one probably read this blog. Haha. I don't mind though. This blog serves more as a diary towards my future self. So, if you accidentally read my posts, then hopefully you'll get something out of it. One thing for sure, I'm going to keep blogging.

          As I went through my older posts, I noticed that for the past 5 years, particularly after my father passed away, I stopped blogging and writing altogether. Up to one point, I only posted an entry once or twice a year. I have to admit, my father's death was probably my most painful turning point. His death changed everything. Honestly, it was so painful and it still is. Even now, I don't know if I'll ever get over it. Life must go on though. Haha. So, don't worry, it'll be okay.

     I read a story several weeks ago. Honestly, that story was not even the best story I read so far but I cried a lot as I read it. It's about a girl who woke up in the hospital with 15 years of her life missing from her memory. She was a totally different person 15 years later as she became ruthless and cold due to the circumstances that she faced during the 15 years. It made me sad partly because I know, I too could be that cold and ruthless one day.

So today I want to tell you, the me in the future, regardless of whatever happens in the future always always always and always see the good in people.

 

For the phoenix to rise from the ashes

One must know the pain

To transform the fire to burning desire.

-Mark Gorkin-

Whatever will be will be

Que sera sera

Whatever will be will be

The future's not ours to see

Que sera sera

What will be will be

I once was intrigued by the 'Que Sera Sera'. 

In my opinion, it wasn't a sad song and neither a happy one. 

It's a reality. 

A reality that all of us need to understand and face at one point. 

I still remember, I used to get scared whenever there's an exam or whatever because I felt that I didn't have enough preparation. I would always call my late father, expressing my concerns and worries. 

Instead of scolding me for not studying properly (I wasn't serious enough when I did my foundation or tamhidi in USIM), he would always say it's okay. Just go and face it. Whatever the results are, just face it. 

Most of the time, I wasn't confident at all with every decision that I made. In fact I cringe inside whenever I need to make a decision for myself, let alone for others. 

However at one point, you need to realize and understand that whatever will be, will be. I'm a believer and I believed that whatever that I faced, it's my fate. All the hardships that came along are there to make me stronger. 

What doesn't kill you won't kill you. If it did, don't worry, we'll be dead by then and just like that, we no longer have any business with this world. We will move on to another realm beyond our boundary as a living person. 

So, instead of burying ourselves with something so ephemeral like fears and all the scary possibilities, just take that leap of faith and fly. Everything's gonna be okay. 

It will hurt, it will slap you in the face, tear you down until you are left with nothing. 

But, even then, everything's gonna be okay. 

Nothing lasts forever. 

Just like happiness that came to an end, so is sadness. 

p/s: Syakirah, don't worry. Trust me. You're gonna be okay. Just bear with it for a moment. 😄😉

I'm alive

How would my life be like after 5 years?

      I posed this exact question to myself 5 years ago and this is how the teenage me answered the question...

"Now~ this is something that I like but I also hate this… Kinda ironic huh?

Why I hate this topic?

Simple. Because it’s something in the future.  Something that you’ll never know until you figure it out.

But still,,, I like imagining things of how it would be in the future…"

       Recently, I had a great time browsing down the memory lane after I managed to recover the hard disk from my old laptop. Those who knew me might notice that my laptop was/is my everything. I always have my laptop with me no matter how heavy it was. I did everything using my laptop. Writing, editing, music, reading... and most importantly, it had a huge chunk of my memories.

      After the laptop that I used back in 2009-2011 broke, all the stuff in the hard disk was left untouched. Like a frozen memory, it's stuck, until I recovered them. Honestly, 5 years weren't that long. Everything passes by in a blink but going through those memories made me realize, I am no longer the same person.

      In the frozen memory, I discovered tons of writings. I guess one thing that stayed the same was the only way for me to truly express myself is through writing. When I think back to those days when I battled depression, it's amazing that I even made it here. It's amazing that I could be positive again. It's amazing how I could look in the mirror and smile.

      It's truly amazing that I could truly smile, laugh and cry instead of smiling and crying when I did not feel anything. During those time, like an empty shell, I could not feel anything. It seems surreal sometimes that I once battled depression in the past.

After all these years, I realize one thing,

I'm alive!