'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Life must go on, that's what I felt when I first listened to 'River Flows in You' by Yiruma.

There are many times when I thought that giving up would be the best option.

It's true...

I have always had this thought 'It would have been better if I'm out of the picture'

Somehow, tonight I just feel like writing one of the things that have been hurting me all these while.

Being a JPP, it's not easy. Dang. it's way too hard.

But I took the challenge. Maybe it's because of my promise to Appa. or maybe it's because of the responsibility, or maybe it's just me.

I don't know. I don't want to think about it.

The first meeting, I don't know why I had to choose Entrepreneurship.

Yes. I know many things about this. I thought it would be easy.

but again... I was wrong.

I took a much painful road.

I didn't complain though. because it's my choice. Therefore regret is definitely not what I intended to have.

In the past. the present or even the future.

It was my fault. I just couldn't get along with my partner, the chairman of the bureau of Entrepreneurship.

At the beginning, it was between us and he did ask me to be the chairman instead.

but I refused to. It's due to my respect for a senior, I thought he should be the one instead of me.

It's only my second semester and someone older should lead. That's what I think at that particular time.

so it begin.

We had to find the members for this bureau. I couldn't find anyone who's willing to be the members.

In that haste, I turned to my classmates asking whether they could be the members for my bureau. Asking for their help.

and they all refused. The others (from other classes) either have been a member of a bureau or just don't want to involve in this.


He brought in the members from his class and some of the juniors that he knew.

At the beginning, some of them were involved for some work regarding JPP.

but that's it. Then it's just me... and him.

I still remember this one time where I was blamed for being a short tempered person.

and I was also blamed for my failure to bring in the members from my batch.

but it's okay. All the blames, I swallowed it alone. I can do it.

and I did it. Alone.

It was painful. But it was still bearable.

Because it's not enough to 'kill' me at once.

Not long after that, another task given. Out of stress and tension, I snapped and I broke down.

because again I was questioned with the same question.

I was angry cause I have been asking around for a solution but no one paid attention I guess.

I can accept that. Because it's not their problems. why would one bother about it?

But asking me again and again irritate me.

I was reprimanded for that rather rude action.

Though I don't feel sorry at all, I said sorry.

Day by day, I went through it.

It was a foreign feeling at first but as time passes by I got used to it.

Having to cope with my classmates. They sometimes let out some sharp remarks.

I can bear with it though.

I kept on reminding myself that I was the one who made this choice.

At times, I think some of them think that I'm a fool.

A fool for letting myself involved with all these things.

Working with no benefits given.

I grew distant. Not physically.

Mentally.

In a place full of people, I am alone.

That glass wall was suffocating me.

but I felt somehow comfortable inside it.

I'd cry sometimes. but it's okay.

I have Allah.
I have Allah.
I have Allah.

That's what I told myself over and over again.

For sometimes, I had been living my life telling myself that it was my fault.

All of it.

Maybe it's because of me. Maybe if someone else were to be in that post, then things might have been better.

I tried again and again to understand him.

but I failed.

I thought it's my fault because I can't understand him.

It must be that.

Later, I grew tired of that.

In fact, I'm sick of it!

My mind started to rebel. Why is it only me? Why am I the only person who should try to understand him?

I'm sick of it!

I'm sick of everyone!

I feel like no one ever did try to understand me.

I did it all.

I gritted my teeth and did it all... alone.

I swallow the blame all of the blames thrown... alone.

so why can't anyone see that I'm hurting.

I guess people can't see all the other things that I have to face outside. Other than JPP, other than IPG.

My siblings. My fears.

At least, for now, I am secured.

But what about the others? What about the future?

They haven't passed that stage yet. They are still finding their identities.

What if they happened to slip away? and no one will be there to tell them that it's wrong?

In the past, Appa would always told me 'You'd never understand until you have your own children.'

I guess I don't have to wait for that long now.

It's hard. It's too hard.

Of course, as of now, I still have no regrets.

It's true that it's painful but I shouldn't only look at the dark side.

There were still many colourful memories.

and there were still many people that made me smile and made me feel grateful.

though it's not enough to break the wall, but I am still thankful.

and even if some of them made me feel hurt at one time, there would be the times where they were the ones who made me smile.

Because life is like that.

and human make mistakes.

me included.

In fact, I did more mistakes than others.

and imperfection is one of my traits.

Now, I think I have let it go.

I'm not a vengeful person. At least not anymore.

In fact, I won't bear any resentment towards them for a long time.

I will only treat them with vigilance.

So that I would not make the same mistakes as I did in the past.

``````````````````````````````````````````````````````
To those it may concern, this post was not written as a way to promote myself (since I am already fabulous and awesome enough). I did not write this to vent out my angers. It is merely written for those who wish to understand me and to answer all the questions. 
 
It is not written to gain any sympathy or to bring down other people.

Extra Notes :

Bureau of Entrepreneurship: Biro Keusahawanan
Vengeful : Seeking to harm someone in return for a perceived injury:
Resentment : Bitter indignation at having been treated unfairly.
Vigilance : The action or state of keeping careful watch for possible danger or difficulties.

It's mine after all

Hi peeps!

After thousands of years, I am determined to update again.

yeah

since I'm gonna go back to 'real' life tomorrow.

For once, just this once,

can I ditch my inner conscious and write whatever I want?

Though the consequences might be gruesome, eventually...

Nevermind.

Let's deal with that later, shall we?

```````````````

At times, I really think I should stop sucking up 

(though I don't think it's a really appropriate phrase)

Well, in my case, it's not actually the whole time.

Heck, I don't even bother what people think of me most of the times.

It had always been either my life or your life.

Not satisfied?

Then get lost.

( Though I don't really tell 'em straight to the face. Mind the manners...)

But I can see that I've been doing that to certain people mainly to get their recognition

(Always forgetting the fact that many others had always looked up to me)

 I had always hated being looked down

I guess it really has something to do with how I grow up.

Well, let's go back to the previous years.

If I were to really think about it, I was always this big since standard 1.

I mean in term of size.

and you can just imagine growing up with all the jokes and names given.

I was emotionally bullied. Totally...

and to make it worse, I had this pimple attacks when I was in Form 1 until Form 4.

In term of looks, that's what made me fail in the first place.

I was always a shy kid until I chose to step out of it.

I think it was when I was 12 years old.

Slowly, I built my own carefree personality.

It's my life.

It's mine after all.

 

 Most of the people I met from all walks of life judged me from the 1st impression.

(well, you just won't expect much from an ugly fat girl right?)

 Well, it's normal!

Even my mom used to compare me to one of my best friends in term of looks.

(Even if I'm not that close to her but she's still my mom right? and of course I'm not heartless)

Just imagine the feelings...

and just like that, being a teenager I rebelled a lot.

 No matter what happened, I must keep my head high.

I guess my passion in psychology helped me a lot.

That I was not to be blamed...

 and that those people were to be blamed for looking down on others.

 and that's how the 'I-don't-give-a-damn' personality was born.

 My father used to tell me that;

 'How we were born was never our choice but how we live the life will always be our choice'

and that inspired me a lot.

I really don't remember since when,

but I have always had this belief that GOD is always fair.

and HIS every creation is beautiful.

I believe that if I were to say it, everyone would agree.

but very few actually applied it. sadly...

Up until now, I always think that everyone is beautiful.

You are beautiful

If there's an ugly thing within a person, it would be the heart.

I think as much as I want to ignore,

I would always see the disgusted looks shot by some people.

Maybe it's the way I am.

I think it's because I'm being too open. Too carefree.

That I don't fit in if I were to be who I am.

Well, I won't deny that there are things that I should change.

but as of right now, I feel totally sick with those who had always think they're better.

Those with the 'untouchable' figure.

 Those who always question without trying to understand at all.

 Those who think they care but always failed to realize that they had made thing worsen.

 Sure we can always be conceited or a jerk at times,

but there's always a limit to it.

In fact, the lines separating the feelings have always been very very thin.

Example;

Often we feel that it was love without realizing that it has always been jealousy all along.

God! 

I thought I could never actually write this.

Truthfully, up till now, I would still feel down sometimes.

but at least I got a strong backbone, right?

`````````````````````````````

Anyway, I think my head is now crammed with all the memories from the past.

well, 

see ya when I see ya!

With love,

I'm gonna write a very short update since I'm going back to Seremban (Mak Chik's house) after asar...

and yes, I'm now in Negeri Sembilan!!!! specifically in USIM, Nilai...

God! I can't believe how much I miss this place. and now I'm in ctie's room in KK1.

But sadly, I don't meet many others coz most of them went home since it's their study week...

Nevermind.... I can always come again (which I don't know when)...

I'm going to stay in Seremban until Friday and we'll go to Perak on Saturday since my cousin is getting engaged. 

Life has been good lately though there were many problems. lol~

But It's okay... everything will always be alright.

I have many things to update about but I guess I'll do it when I go back to Terengganu.

Anyway, being the lazy me, I don't really promise that... hee~~

so peeps, goodbye!!!  :D

I'm 20... plus a day...

Finally.... after thousands of years of not visiting this blog, I'm here!

I'm 20... plus a day... lol~

and so, my birthday was spent just like that.

Compared to the year before, I didn't receive as much birthday wishes. Maybe it's because I kept my birth date hidden on fb and so, without notifications, there's only some people who really notify themselves will remember... lol~

Though I did feel just a little bit hurt when some people that I've been waitin' didn't call or send any messages...

Well, I don't blame them though coz I have done things like that before... hee~

I didn't celebrate it with my family this year. last year too... I guess...

I think after 18, I just don't care anymore. Maybe it's because at 19 and 20, I had always been alone.

Truthfully, there are times I do wish I never leave USIM because I have many people there and I know I can always turn to ctie whenever I feel lost.

Those are the times when I feel so alone here.

That's why being at IPG if I don't have anything to do anymore, no matter how late it is, no matter how far, no matter how tired I am, I always found my way back home. Coz it's lonely there.

yeah... I kinda received a lot of comments or questions bout me always going home.

but then, I couldn't simply tell them "...because I feel lonely..." that sounds too dramatic and way too weird. and I know it'll lead to many other questions...

and so I answer it the way I usually answer things. How? Hee~ Well, after years, I've learned that we didn't need to lie if we don't wanna tell. coz actually 70% of the questions are just due to formality... Most people won't pursue it further unless it is your parent or siblings.

It's a technique that I developed after years in SHAMS and I won't tell you the secrets here... huhu.

Anyway, let's ditch that... and proceed...

Another week, and another semester passed. This holiday will be exciting as there are many things for me to do instead of dwelling inside my lonely life. lol~

I should do a barbecue next saturday... hmm~ Should ask mundzir to tag along...

Actually, we've been waiting for PM to announce the date for PRU 13. and I had to admit, all the speculations are affecting my plans.

Duh! for sure I don't wanna miss this PRU. Don't wanna be somewhere else during the PRU... lol~

Memories of the last PRU in 2008 was the most memorable for it was the last PRU with abah. I still remembered that most of us cried, as abah gave a short speech right after it ended at 5.00 p.m...

```````````````````````````````````
I'm going back to Malacca this 27th or 28th of May....Huhu...

Maybe I should bake a cake and visit Along first at KL before going to Malacca.

After all, this 24th May will be her 22nd birthday... lol~

Aiisshh~ I always bake cakes for others that now I just wish someone would bake a cake for me...

But never mind... it made me happy watching people eat my cakes.

I got a few photos to be uploaded but I guess I'll just upload it next time... :D

```````````````````````````````````

Remember I said I'm going to operate my leg... I didn't go to the operation.

After putting much thoughts and considering everything, I'm kinda glad I didn't go.

coz if I did, I'll have to ditch many works and that will be another story...

Anyway, it's 2.46 a.m...

I should end this... lol~

HAPPY BELATED BIRTHDAY SYAKIRAH!!!! 

I'M JUST GLAD THAT YOU ARE ME!!!!

Anyway, gonna update again this weekend coz I have some stories to be shared...

Daa~


p/s: 
Dear Adek,
If you read this, u should know that I'm really really mad at you for not calling me on my birthday... 

Holiday's gonna end soon!

Warning : Don't read unless u have so much time to waste. TQ 

Holiday's gonna end soon! 

haha! 

It's a total chaos tonite with TESL 2.

I can't believe that I actually missed being with them... lol~

Basically it's already Friday...

well, have to work hard finishing all the kkp. 

or else

It's 3:59 in the morning now, and God! Who on earth set the alarm clock at this time???!!!

-_-"

Must be Kinah or Adik...

Well... being too excited with their new alarm clocks... 

Geez~

They don't even buy one for me... 

After going through loads of things, I end up here to chill~

lol~

Better than staring at Yunho in the new MV

and for the record, I'm not really a fan.

Just being appreciative of his existence...

lol~ Just kidding! ^^

Yup! Tohoshinki or TVXQ released their Japanese single 'STILL' on the 14th of March 

 

and now they're the 1st on the Oricon Singles Chart.

Selling over 84,000 copies in less than 3 days...

Pretty impressive huh?

Well, what else to expect from them. ^^

oh hey, I also found out that Conor Maynard had finally officially debuted...

Hmm... I don't really like his song this time.

I admit his voice really impressed me the first time I listened to his cover back then.

(in 2010 I think)

Well, truthfully, I like him singing ballad more...

Anyway, I hope he remained the way he was and not being blinded by fame.

That's all bout entertainment then...

********

Here's one silly question

Is it okay to kill cockroaches using Ridsect???

coz after making several observations, I think it's too cruel killing them with Ridsect...

Don't believe me?

Well, try to spray Ridsect on a cockroach and you'll notice that it'll take almost 2 days for it to be dead.

and it seemed to be suffering so much...

So what's the best way then?

-_-"

Mom will be mad if she knew I haven't sleep...

hehe~

Arrrggghhh!

I don't like kkp at all...

Well, who does?

Sya'ak, focus!

So tomorrow I have to wash the car, clean my room, pack my things.

God.

So many things to do... 

I don't know why, but it seems like people around me had been talking too much bout Marriage.

and the same goes to the posts on fb... -_-"

Well, truthfully, marriage is one thing that I would want to avoid for the next 5 years maybe...

I would want to write forever but I guess that's impossible huh?

coz marriage is all about commitment towards the person we're married to

and I don't think I'm a person for that.

But then, somehow I don't think it's really all bout that.

I think it's more because I'm afraid of losing, so loving is definitely out of topic.

I guess dats it for today.

coz I feel like sleeping now

 

Good Night~

Peace... No harm intended. :D

Dear peeps and creeps, (and all the others aside from those 2 categories...)


It's my one-week holiday!!!! yay!!!

and I love holidays!!! lol~

Maybe I should take this time to reflect about all my wrongdoings.

 The Inner Conscious : Though I don't really feel like I have one... 

Me : Shut up.

lol~

Anyway, I'm still thinking on how to survive in IPGKDRI this coming April. 

Yeah. After that operation to remove the things inside my leg.

Any idea? One thing for sure, the place I'm studying now is definitely not friendly enough for disabled people.

and yeah... I had looked around...

the place might cause me another bloody-tragedy. *sigh*

Okay, first thing first. 

I actually don't really like the idea of having another operation. or in other words, I really despise it.

3 years ago, I thought that would be the first and the last.

coz it's painful.

added with all the embarrassment.  (you'll understand if you have had that experience)

Okay, forget bout that. for now...
``````````````````````````````````````````
Last week I went for a counseling session In Al-Farabi hall.

and guess what, I got 10/10 for the autonomy part.

you can google bout autonomy for sidek's personality test and you'll eventually understand me. lol~

Well, I got high scores for many of the personality traits except for the last part and a few others.

All I can say is that, I think I'll have another counseling session again. :D

``````````````````````````````````````````
I think despite the frustration I have when my siblings are not co-operating with me for the house chores, they actually made me laugh.

It was like, one moment I got really mad and then the next moment, we will laugh together.

 The Inner Conscious : Guess what, I think it just shows how much of a psycho you are.

Me : Guess what, ur opinion is not needed here. :p

I think it'll get real crazy if Along is here. lol~

and so today there goes my RM 65.00 after much persuasion from the brat whom I call Adik. -_-"

Dear Along,

I can never become rich if she's going to behave like this everyday... T__T

-Angah-

Today, again I have to pick Sakinah from her school.

and yeah, I think it's a good way to perfect your driving skills. (wait till u see the road)

This really reminds me of that one time when I got lost on my way home, the first time I sent her.

and I end up at Wakaf Tapai. -_-"

That was like another looonggg~ journey home. T__T

So, while Batu Rakit taught me how to be patience, Pengkalan Berangan teach me how to control the car when you're driving 120km/h on the crooked road.

The Inner conscious : Don't bother her. She's just being crazy.

Me : Not as much as you do! :p

Life had been pretty relaxing for me. (or else I won't have times to update my blog...)

No scandals. Whatsoever... 

Well, not that they're really true anyway. It sounds way too ridiculous to even be laughed at. 

lol~

It's funny how some people really believe 'em.

Not like I really care anyway. I don't think it's harming me.

At least, I've had things harder before.

Up to one point, people will get tired. and so they'll stop. 

Well, let's just hope that no one will get *butthurt. so that I don't have another person 'dedicating' the dreadful word to me.

Coz I can be as nice as I want and the moment you used that kind of word to me I can turn into a wicked witch. (at least it's better than a b*tch rite?)

Peace... No harm intended. :D

```````````````````````````````````````````

Currently listening to What Makes You Beautiful by One Direction.

Despite the sweet lyrics, I can't help but suddenly having this weird flashback on one advertisement on tv about deodorant I guess. (forgot bout the brand)

But the illogical part is when the girl used her 'white' armpits to attract guys to help her changing the car tire. 

and I was like, OMG, this ads looks way too ridiculous.

and stupid too... -_-"

Anyway, some people might believe in that and buy the product.

without knowing that make-up is doing it's wonder for every advertisement.

lol~

I do wear make ups. but not as often anymore. 

coz I'm just getting lazy. Applying everything will take more than 15 minutes. >__<

I think I had thrown away half of my make-up set the last time I clean my bag... :D

Yeah! Let's go natural! 

Now I feel sleepy. *yawning*

Nite everyone! Sweet dreams!

Assalamualaikum~ (Muslims only) :D

p/s : let's just hope adik will change her mind bout going to library tomorrow. *praying*

*Meaning of butthurt :

A. When a person gets overly offended for a non mean-spirited joke.

B. The state of being offended because of a joke your friend made and not talking to him or her because of said joke.

slacking off~

the title above is self explanatory. haha. I've been here for many many times but always fell asleep almost immediately after I finished writing the first line. x__x

so, this time while running away from cleaning the kitchen (for this upcoming occasion), might as well post a new entry.
This entry will be a very short one since I have to go to Primula at 2.00p.m to attend something.

so, slacking off? I'm pretty sure all of us had done this before. and it feels pretty good escaping from all those works.

and I'm pretty good at this. lol~

Actually I feel pretty bad since I had accidentally ignored certain important people in my life lately... T__T

All in all, work is work. and I'm thankful that some are being understanding enough.
(while some others just didn't get it. -_-")

Though the reality is that the understanding ones made me feel even more worse... >__<

since they're being too nice and all. I should treat 'em better from now on.

*sighing*

p/s: Hokuto-chan, hontou ni, gomen ne... >_<  

好きなんだ~ <3 <3 <3

a so-called me (30/1/2012)

current mood : so-so
listening to : A Thousand Years (Christina Perri)
thinking about : LDV powerpoint. Muahahahaha! (Aaaa! tak siap2 lagi!)

I spent my Chinese New Year holidays in Malacca this time along with my cousins, uncles, aunties and another two brother who happened to share the same parents with me. >_<

Many things got me thinking again. Sometimes, I wished I could find someone to answer this unending questions. Coz the one person who always answered my questions just happened to already transferred to the next 'world'. and I don't know when am I going to meet him again.

though I really wanted to... now.

First time arriving in Malacca, it doesn't feel awkward at all. No feelings surfaced. only the

unending feelings of responsibilities towards this family. Towards his siblings. Towards 'em all.



I couldn't really describe it in words when I heard Mundzir giving some 'tazkirah' after maghrib to

them. That kid has really grow up. and I'm proud of him. I always have...




Sometimes it's really hard being the one who saw it all but not being able to say anything.

I know that feeling. and I know we all felt the same.

`````````````````````````

I'm actually kinda busy these days. or rather that it's the me trying to busy myself. I don't want to be alone coz I know I can't be alone.That day, on that very day, will always surface in my memories. Playing like a broken tape.

Though I know that it's hard,but never thought that it'll be this hard...

So even if I want to be alone for awhile, I still want someone to accompany me in silence.
and I kinda know that'll be very hard.
Coz there are only a few of them who can comfort me without saying anything. and none of them is here. 

I chose this path. This is my fate. Therefore I believe that I can withstand it all.

Coz I always believe that God won't hurt you.

Even if it's the thing that hurts you the most...

it wasn't really all that

seems like I haven't visited this blog like...forever?

No wonder jun-chan had been nagging me a lot lately to update this blog. =_=

well, again I should warn you guys that this post is going nowhere and since this is my blog and my post so you can't do much about it...

In other words, just bear with it. or better yet, just leave.

This really reminds me of 'Chained Mistakes'. Being random is the charm of this story. ^^

A lot had been going around lately. Sometimes I really feel the need to yell at everyone.

Yeah, me included. sadly...



I still have a long way to go with my temper.

and no need to mock me. Jun-chan had done that. courtesy of vivian.

 really... Did I actually took life for granted?

Don't know. and since sometimes, I kinda hate reality, so let's just put a dot here.

Enough of that part.

Last time, I had a talk with mundzir while making donuts together. yes. together. Since he'd like a smaller and cuter version of donuts so I let him made some for himself.

But the size of the donuts are not the major topic here. We actually talked about each other. and how he said that he really hate girls like me.

and I was like... hehe... hey, no biggie bro. Actually, the feeling is kinda mutual here babe. muahaha!

We talked some more and I told him why I don't think I'm going to get married. It's simply because of the guys like him. lol~

and another thing is... I hate being dominated. I don't like people telling me what to do.

Well, it's okay for me to say this because I'm not being tied down yet. and I don't have that kind of thoughts yet. and most importantly I'm not hopelessly in love now.

<-----Well,,, maybe if I'm like this in the future, I'll take back my words. lol~


In simpler words, I'm afraid of someone like me. lol~ It's really ironic. Haish~ even I myself don't want to find someone like me as a partner. hehe~

I'm really hateful right?

 *depressed mode*

 
But though I'm saying this and whatever you're going to think about me in the future, I still love the people I love.

Yeah. Maybe the things that I said are true.

and maybe sometimes I hate how Mundzir or Dudin act. or even always get pissed off with Kinah and Adek... and Along too. lol~

There were really times when we feel that we couldn't stand each other... but that's just it. It's just a feeling, not the reality. The reality is that we accept each other for what we are. Flaws and all.

so actually, hatred, fear, confusion, anger... it wasn't really all that.

After all, they still love me for who I am.

p/s: even though they were always being scolded for no reason... hehe.