The beginning

Alhamdulillah, we successfully ended FCC in 2019. With around 90 participants, we managed to get through the 10 days together. Compared to the camps that we did before, this one no longer feels as challenging anymore. As I looked back, I realized that we have really come a long way.

Therefore, I feel like I really have to write this particular post so that I'll never forget the beginning. My beginning.

I started this back in 2015. I had my aims, I had a lot that I need to achieve and 4 years ago, at the age of 23, I felt like I haven't done much. I started this mainly because I wanted to 'give back to the community'. Back then, camps were very expensive and it was rarely done in Terengganu. It's still expensive and that's because there are a lot of things that the organizer need to consider but that's another story to tell.

I still remember, the first time I did the camp, there were only 19 participants along with 5 facilitators.

I had planned and handled everything alone.

I could still remember the pain, I could still remember how hard it was.

I could still remember how I cried trying to figure out everything.

I could still remember the  gastric attack that I got as I planned the whole thing.
I endured the pain and it didn't get better even after I went to the clinic. On the 9th day, I couldn't handle the pain anymore and we had to go to the emergency that night.

I still remember the nagging voice inside my head, telling me to just give up.
Honestly, having to deal with everything alone was so painful that giving up would seem like the best option.

Because giving up seems like a very easy option.
Because giving up means that I won't have to deal with everything anymore.
Because giving up means that the pain will stop.

But there's a very small voice inside my heart, a small light that flickers weakly, telling me not to give up.

That's probably why in the past, I sometimes resent my father for raising me as a leader.
For raising me to be so strong and independent.
My father, a leader that he was, raised me as a leader.
I used to resent him for leaving me alone to figure out everything.
I used to resent him for leaving all his hopes and wishes behind for me to carry along.
The burden sometimes felt unbearable but I couldn't just let it go.
Well, that'll be another story to tell. 😊

Back to the original story, the first camp that I did was the English Camp 2015. With 19 participants, the first time was really awkward for me. That was my first time handling the activities from 8.00 a.m until 5.00 p.m.
Since then, each time we had a camp, the number doubled until we reached our maximum capacity, 90 participants.

We have really come a long way.

As I write this, there were many many people and many things that I should be grateful for.

My father, the one who ignites the spark since I was young.

My mother, my very first sponsor. The funny thing is, she used to tell me to stop everything and just give up but still support me with everything she got in terms of money, connections with people even providing food for everyone.
I guess she just didn't want to see me in pain. At the end of each project, she'll always be the first person to welcome me home and congratulate me.

My eldest sister, Along, for being my 2nd sponsor.

My youngest sister, Wahidah, for helping me find the facilitators during my early days.

My 3rd sister, Sakinah, for helping me to manage the food.

My younger brother and my partner in crime, Mundzir. Nowadays he's the one that manage the whole thing. When I first started, he was already in Egypt to further his studies. And I remember, it took me a lot of arguments, a lot of discussions, a lot of time trying to make him understand the whole thing. It was a hard work trying to have the same trains of thoughts.

We still argue nowadays.

But since I don't have much energy to argue anymore, I've resorted to just give in.
After stating my opinions I'll just let him do whatever he wants and when the times come, I would be there to smile and close my eyes while saying 'I told you so...' 😌

My younger brother Addin, for his support in arranging everything and trying to help whenever he can.

My friends, who supported me.

My biggest fans, my students, my first 19 participants. Believe me, there were some who had joined all the camps that I did since 2015 until 2019.

The parents who trusted me.

My facilitators and those who had helped me along the way.

Alhamdulillah. I am truly blessed. I am.

Nursyakirah, never ever forget the beginning.

On Pain and Moving On

Now i realize one thing. 

The reason why I wouldn't speak of my pain. 

The reason why I refuse to share my pain. 

The reason I chose to deal with everything in silence. 

It's because I don't want to hear anyone telling me what I already know. 

Move on already. 

Why are you still sad. 

Everything is not about you. 

The thing is, people forgot that you are hurt. 

People forgot easily that you are in a vulnerable state. 

Your wound is still tender. 

One flick, it hurts a lot. 

So I chose to be silent. 

So I chose to cry in silence. 

You won't even realize that I cried. 

It's easier to smile and hide the pain than having to repeatedly explain why you are in pain. 

The sky is dark now.

So is my heart. 

But it won't be forever. 

That, I'm certain. 😊

On pain and moving on. 

14:59

In the name of Allah

In his ceramah or our daily convo, Abah would always mention that everyone, every life goes through phases. Alam roh, Alam rahim, Ad dunya, Alam barzakh and the last one, Akhirat where we'll be judged and sent to Jannah or An-Nar.

He would tell us stories about what we'll go through in each phase along with the dalil. He would always say that among all the phases, Ad-dunya is the phase where everything that we did will be taken into account and judged.

If we look at it as a whole picture, life is not limited to what we have on this dunya. Death is not the end of everything. Death is just a process of transition to the next phase. Only difference is once you moved to the next phase, you're not allowed to go back.

That's the reason why we should focus on Allah in whatever we do. Each choices that we made ask ourselves again and again, 'Will this lead me to Allah?' 'Will Allah be pleased with what I do now?' Because in the end, what we had in this world means nothing. What we brought along, the day we passed away will be our deeds (amal), good or bad.

The day we passed, everything on this dunya means nothing to us. Everything will be cut off except 3 things;
- an ongoing sadaqah,
- a knowledge from which others benefit,
- a righteous child who makes du'a for us.

It's a very easy equation actually. Obey Allah and His messenger and Jannah will be yours. But again, we are just human. We struggled everyday to obey Allah's order. To be good. To be kind. We struggled with our own nafs. And after all, Iblis swore to mislead us till the end of time.

But that's the beauty of it all. Each of our struggles towards Him will be rewarded by Allah. He is the Most Just of all Judges.

Being human, we gave up when things are hard, when things are looking stagnant. We're always impatient.
We always feel that we are not enough. We feel that we will never be enough. We get angry when things went wrong. We wanted everything to go our way without even realizing that Allah had planned each and every events.

We didn't even turn to Him and even if we do, we'd only turned to Him for a few days, perhaps for a few weeks, perhaps for a few months. We only turned to Him after things got out of control. After we couldn't do anything anymore. And then, after Allah granted us inner peace, after He answered our prayers, after we stopped hurting, we went back to square one.

We went back to being the 'old' us.

The 'arrogant' us.

I'm writing this because this is what I experience again and again. I struggle to be good - alot of times. Allah has been kind to me because in the eyes of others He veiled all my sins, all my imperfections.

Therefore I'm writing this as a reminder. To the future me, because I know I'll reread this from time to time in the future. So let this be a reminder.

Nursyakirah, no matter what you do, no matter what you choose. Do it in the name of Allah.

After all, this is a journey towards Him. Remember, our ultimate goal is Allah.

May Allah guide us. Aminn...

Of all the hows and the whys #2

I have a habit. Whenever my heart feels heavy, whenever it gets hard, I would always read what I wrote again and again.

It's not a really odd habit anyway. Compared to others, I'm actually very sensitive and it's easy for me to get overwhelmed. And I noticed that people like me tend to write a lot. We express ourselves through writing. Reading and writing keep our thoughts organized. It helps us stay sane. In some cases, it even saves us.

As I was reading my post on January 16, 2018, something suddenly struck me. The reason why it took me so long to really understand 'Redha', the reason why it took me so long to really 'let go' of Abah's death is because I used to pray to Allah,
'No more. Please don't test me anymore. I couldn't take it anymore.'
So He gave me seven years. Seven years of break before He gave me another test.

Alhamdulillah. He broke me down to lift me up. Allah has been really kind to me. He gave me a test to lift all my woes and sorrows. Abah used to be my pillar of strength. I didn't see that beyond Abah, there's his Creator that is supposed to be my pillar of strength.

Allah is Al Jabbar, the One who mends everything.

He wouldn't give us anything without reason. So here's another story.

This person came to me when I was dealing with another winter. This person was different than the others. Many couldn't handle me let alone control me. Yet the way this person handled my emotions surprised me every single time. I fascinate him in some ways. And his ways of dealing with things especially my ups and downs fascinate me. For the first time ever, I saw someone worthy to lean on. I saw someone that I could really trust.

After dealing with my first heartbreak, I realized that I shouldn't dwell much on superficial love. Why should I waste my time on someone who isn't going to be my husband? After istikharah and consulting my brother, I gave it a shot. I proposed to this person. I gave this person 2 weeks and I waited a month for his answer. Yet it never came. From my brother's point of view, this is understood as a rejection.

So, I pulled away. I withdraw my proposal. At that moment, I should have stopped. Yet I didn't. I couldn't let him go. That was my mistake. Without him ever realized I shoved my heart in his hand. Up to one point, he controlled my emotions. I knew that I had to cut him off. I knew that I had to let him go but I couldn't do it. It hurts a lot but cutting him off, pained me more so I couldn't bring myself to do it.

One day, for one stupid reason, I snapped at him. It was probably too much for him. The real me was probably too difficult to deal with. He did what today's modern world called 'ghosting'. He 'ghosted' me which I should say a really effective way to end everything.

I always thought that I would be the one to cut him off. But turns out, he did which is probably better. It hurts. I couldn't write here how it hurts. I can only say that it made me questioned my self worth.
Now that I truly think about it, he probably doesn't feel the same way like me.

This is what they all warned me about.
They know how sensitive I am and how deep I feel for things. They warned me to not let me fall deeper for him.
But I did anyway. I was convinced that I wouldn't break as much as they think I'd be.

I already know how it would hurt but experiencing it was truly an eye opener...
The hurt that I felt showed that I fell for him way way way deeper than I thought.
In a way, he won and I lose.
I lose against him. The scar that I got would be his trophy.
That's one way to look at it.

Yet when I think about it deeper, I wasn't exactly losing.
The fact is, what do I have to lose?
I like him.
I confessed.
I tried everything I could to 'chase' him.
I didn't hide anything from him.
I didn't play any games.
I told him how I feel every single time and even ask him to marry me.
Fact is, I did my best.
But my best wasn't enough for him.

To say that I've moved on would be a total bullshit.
I didn't move on.
I can't move on.
No. Not yet.
But, there will be no more effort.
No more.
I couldn't break my heart any more than this for a man who has no ties to me.

As I dealt with this heartbreak in silence, a thought always lingered in my head. It's something that I read long ago. "What would you say to your daughter if one day she came to you and cried saying that a man broke her heart?" And I immediately have my answer.
InsyaAllah, one day I will get over him.

Do I hate him?
The first time it dawned to me that he is suddenly ignoring me, he abandoned me without any explanation, yes I did hate him.
How could he do this to me?
But as I prayed in my doa, I prayed to Allah that he wouldn't feel the hurt that I felt.
I'd rather be the one in pain than knowing he is in pain.
Because knowing that he is in pain, would break my heart way more.
I wasn't being kind to him.
I'm being kind to myself.
I'm being kind to my soul.
Because I don't need more hatred.

I won't hate him.
Fact is, I can't hate him.
It's not even his fault.
The choice to fall for him is mine.
So it's not right for me to hate him for my own feeling.
I should be responsible for my own feeling.

Will I give him another chance?
Yes. But I won't give effort to build this relationship anymore.
He would remain a friend nevertheless.
Just like any other friend.

He still got a chance. Only difference is, he used to be very exclusive. He used to be my focus.
But now, I don't view him like that anymore.

I'm reserving my focus and attention for my don't-know-where future husband.
I can't waste my energy anymore.

What did I learn from this?
1. Trust Allah
2. Your worth does not depend on others.
3. Take your time to heal but don't take too long.
4. Don't dwell on superficial things.
5. Don't hesitate. Be true to yourself.

Allah is the most Knowing.
Inna ma'al 'usri yusra. Fainna ma'al 'usri yusra.
Verily, with every hardship is relief.
Verily, with every hardship is relief.

Nursyakirah, don't dwell too much in the moment.
Nursyakirah, remember that Jannah is our aim.
May Allah guide us.
Aminnn.

The life worth living

Lately, I feel like writing again. It's been quite sometimes since I last wrote something. I wrote one last story in 2017 and I stopped. Probably due to my health issues.

Though I looked physically fine, my health issue was draining my body physically and mentally. It's nothing dangerous though. After I went through a surgery last year, it significantly improved my condition. It didn't totally cure everything though. But at least, I could live better. 🤷‍♀️

Life is not as interesting lately. I've always been busy. And now, not so suprisingly, I'm still busy. Hahaha. I'd like to blame my younger self for that one. In one of my notes, I wrote that I wanted to have a complicated life. Life was probably too simple for me back then. Haha. And now, there you have it. My life story is a mess. Haha. Now it got tangled everywhere.

My father used to tell me, a person you are now will determine who you are in 10 years. Honestly, what I had today is what I've worked for 10 years ago. So, I kinda reap what I sow.

Now, I could already imagine who I might be after 10 years. I might have a simple life. I might have a life as simple as possible but still benefits as many people as I could. That's what I've always wanted to do - helping people. I want to have the blessings of joy in simple things. I want to enjoy many things in life.

Right now, I stopped doing a lot of things that I've been doing particularly because I don't have any strong support. Mundzir is still in Egypt and honestly, apart from Mundzir, no one understands me enough to hold my hand and walk the journey with me. No one was willing to cry with me.

Some, come and go.
Some, offer kind words to motivate me.
Some, congratulate and admire me.
Some, got fascinated at first, took my hand, then realised it was probably too much for them.
And some, criticise with all they got.

My family has been my greatest supporter so far. I still remember, on my first project, Mom and Along sponsored the whole thing. Sakinah prepared all the food. Addin handled the kids like a pro. Adik was in charge in finding facilitators to run the program. I didn't do everything alone. They suffered with me. Haha.

This journey isn't going to be easy. In fact, the 'simple life' that I sought might hurt me anyway. Life is like that. Nothing is easy. Every single choice that we made, will hurt us one day.
Choose one that you think is worth living.
Choose one that you are willing to stick with till the end. 
Choose one that you think is worth fighting for.
So far, the choices I made had hurt me anyway. But this is my choice and I'm gonna stick to this, insyaAllah.

May Allah ease. Amin.

Patiently waiting for the right time,
23 July 2019

To the future me

My dear,

Today your demon is small enough.
You are okay. You are fine.
You.are.enough.

Yesterday it was hell.
The demon got so big it trampled you over and over again. It found a small crack and immediately took the chance to strike.
You cried. You looked into the mirror and felt disgusted.
Again, you hated yourself.
Again, you got hurt.

My dear,

It will happen again. The demon will get way too big again.

It might get bigger than anything you had ever seen before.
Which is why I'm writing this.

When you are in pain, stop and take a deep breath.
I know it hurts. I know you really really want this to end.
You want to end this pain.
In fact, you're tempted to run away.
Stop.

Whatever that you do at the moment, stop.
Stop thinking.
Stop.
Take a deep breath.
Take out your notebook.
Take out your pen.
Write.

Write everything that pains you.
Write the things that made you grief.
Write all the hatred that you have.
Then stop and read them.
Read them again and again.

Then, ask yourself.
Is this really how you feel?
Is this really what you want?
Is this really worth it?

How do you really feel?
What do you really want?

Take a deep breath.
You are okay.
You don't need to be more.
You are enough.
It's okay.

Smile and start your journey again.

😊💪

To my dearest sister

Do you remember when we were young, you taught me how to ride a bike. I didn't know how to stop so you ran around the block just to make sure I won't fall.

At 18, you faced your first failure. I was so sad when I saw how sad you were. But in my eyes, you were still the best.

Later, you further your study in medic. It was difficult for you but you pulled through. I followed your path because yours was all I could ever see back then. You were always there for me.

Honestly, your presence was one of the biggest reason why I could fight my depression.

Winter came to us when Abah passed away. It was a difficult time for us but despite your study, you always found your way home. You don't know how much it meant to me back then.

I remember, you were so stingy back then. You wouldn't share anything with us until one day, you changed. You gave everything that you could. Even when you have so little to begin with.

The day I received a call about you from the hospital, I cried nonstop as I texted you. I cried so much that my throat hurts. I hated myself for letting you dwell in your pain for so long. For the first time ever I felt so helpless.

But we managed to pull through right? 😊

Those hard time had passed.

I'm pretty sure there'll be another in our future but It'll pass.

We'll be okay.

It's your birthday today and I'm glad that you're my sister. You don't know how much your existence means to me.

I love you so much. I hope you know. ❤

Keep going

At the age of 24, I begged 'Time, can you please slow down?"

At the age of 27, I learned to accept things just as it is.

It's been around plus minus 10 years since I start blogging. I made a promise to myself once to blog more but I guess I couldn't. Many of those entries remained as a draft.

After 10 years, I don't think anyone is going to read this anymore.
I used to crave for people's attention, people's acceptance really bad that I hurt myself along the way.

I thought, after years, I no longer really care about those anymore.
But, truth is, I still care.
At times, when it hit me, it'll hit me really bad.
I'm just good at controlling my response better. I'm just getting better at arguing with the demons.

I started my weight loss journey a month ago. So far, I've lost 6 kg. I'm planning to lose 60 kg from my original weight.

Honestly, what I'm doing today will change me many months or perhaps years later. I'll change physically and most importantly, I'll change mentally.

I knew this choice would break me again and again. It’ll stripped all my trust and left me vulnerable. So in order to protect myself I’ll build another wall yet again. I'll wear another piece of mask again. I don't know how but I know, I'll break free again. I wish I could.

I wish people around me could understand. But I don't think they could. Honestly, I couldn't even bring myself to write, let alone speak about it.

But just know that in order for me to do this, it took me a great deal of courage.

I know it's gonna be painful.
I know it's gonna be so lonely.
I know it's gonna hurt.

But even then, keep going Nursyakirah.
Keep going!